She finished wiping her fingers, then she surprised him by leaning into him resting her head against his shoulder. He felt a warmth fill him that no sun could ever compare to.
He waited a few minutes, letting his mind settle, knowing that what he was about to say could bring back bad memories for her.
It wasn’t going to be easy to talk about his past with her, but he wanted her to feel at ease with him, and he couldn’t expect her to open up and share with him if he wasn’t willing to do the same.
“There is a reason that I was so invested in bringing down Ernesto. On saving you. When I was five years old I was sold to a cartel by my father.” She gasped softly, and he wrapped his arm around her, pulling her in tighter to him.
“He was in deep with them for gambling. Hundreds of thousands of dollars. It got so bad that we couldn’t even keep food on the table. It was just bad all around.”
“So when they came looking, he sold the only thing that had any value.”
“Oh my God,” she muttered, her body trembling next to him, and he wondered if she was strong enough to hear this.
He wanted to tell her about his past, didn’t want to hold anything back from her, not anymore, but he didn’t want to do something that was going to put her in a bad place.
“How long were you with them?” she whispered as her hand came up to grasp his.
“Two years. For the most part they used me as a look out for their meetings and drop offs, but when I turned seven there was a guy that was really into little boys.” He paused when she gasped. “After he abused me, he would beat me.Bad.”
“I’m so sorry Mark.” She was crying, her tears falling and hitting their joined hands, as he wiped it away with his thumb.
“He went too far one time and it landed me in the hospital. A nurse there called child services and they put me up in foster care. Tried to help me. But ever since then, I haven’t been able to handle anybody touching me.” She jerked her hand back, withdrawing from him, but he grabbed her wrist, halting her.
He leaned his head down so that he could see her eyes, gently grabbing her hand he flattened her fingers and brought her hand to his chest, holding it there with his own.
“It doesn’t hurt?” she whispered, her words garbled through the tears flowing down her cheeks.
“No, little bird. Nothing you could do would ever cause me pain.” She started sobbing fully then and he couldn’t take it.
He couldn’t take her pain.
He wrapped his arms around her pulling her so that she was surrounded by him, curled up between his legs, his arms wrapped around her and he pulled her in tighter.
He hadn’t ever wanted to push her into a physical relationship between them, it was something that he knew from experience was hard. But right then, sitting with her, he was grateful that she wasn’t pushing him away.
He needed the feel of her right then.
He needed her.
“Could a doctor help you?” she asked quietly a few minutes later, after her sobbing had died down.
“No. It’s not a physical thing. It’s a mental thing. The foster families figured I was just like that because of my past. Sergio tried taking me to doctors too, but by then I was old enough that it didn’t really matter. They said it was my brain, and a coping mechanism or some shit.”
“How old were you when Sergio found you?”
“I was seventeen. I didn’t live with him long.”
“I’m so sorry Mark,” she whispered again, her hand clenching his, as if she was trying to hang on to him even tighter.
“I didn’t tell you this to get your pity little bird. I told you this so that you would know that you are not alone. That fear that you carry around with you that tells you that you aren’t good enough because of what happened to you, not only is it not true, you’re not the only one that hears it. What happened to you doesn’t have to define you.”
He lightly brushed his nose against her hair, her light flowery smell making him feel like he was home.
“It’s always there telling me that I’ll never be the same.”
He paused thinking on her words.
“No, you won’t be the same. But you will be something better. Look at you right now Winter. A year ago you could hardly walk out of the cabin, and now you are sitting in my lap.” She blushed and looked away.
