“You are not your mom. You’re going to be every damn thing she wasn’t. You already love that baby more than anything. You’re fighting for her. You’re planning for her unexpected presence amongst us in our lives and making shit happen. Hell, you’re already ten times the girl you were when we were walking down the halls of our high school a few months ago. You’re stepping up and growing into the woman you need to be to care for and protect your child. I’m so fucking proud of you.”
“Thank you. I just really hope I’m making the right decisions…”
Nine
The truest love never dies
My love,
Hello beautiful! I can’t believe we are on letter twenty seven and only a week away from you coming out here to see me. I miss you so much, it hurts to even think about you. I’ve been thinking so much about how beautiful our daughter will be since you sent me that last ultrasound picture. She’s going to look just like you, I can tell. How did they get such a good profile view of her? And those 3D images are insane! I know I didn’t do much and that creating a human being can’t be easy, but she’s just perfect and I owe that all to you. I’m so thankful for the opportunity to love you both. I don’t know who I’d be if not for the two of you. You’ve made me the best me I can be. Thank you for that. I’ve got a whole day planned for us after the ceremony. I know you aren’t thrilled that my family is coming with you, but I promise that we’ll get some alone time. We get a full day and a half leave after the ceremony so I made sure to book a room just for us. We deserve some alone time after these months apart and I can’t wait to hold you in my arms again.
We went through the gas chambers yesterday and I thought it would kill me for sure, but then I thought of you and our princess and pushed my way through it in record time. I won’t lie though, that whole activity really messes you up. There isn’t a single place on my body that didn’t burn after it was over. I swear, the gas burned through my combat boots.
My letter won’t be a long one tonight because I’m running on fumes right now. I’m so fucking tired tonight that I could fall asleep writing you. I’ll try to give you a call in a couple of days to make sure my mom is giving you the money she’s supposed to be. I’ve been checking the account and the money is going out, but every time I ask her if you’re eating well she laughs it off and changes the subject and it’s making me nervous that you aren’t getting what you need for the baby. I know you’ve been working your ass off for that housekeeping company even though I told you not to. You’ll have to quit when I get back and let me handle things. I’m sure your stubbornly independent self is fine for now, but I don’t want you to do anything but focus on you and our daughter. Plus, your online classes take time and effort too. I just want you to be taken care of, okay?
I’ll see you soon and hopefully hear your voice sooner! This may be our last letters to each other, so I’ll end it on a good note. I love you.I fucking love you. I never thought I’d be able to say that to you without fear of rejection. Thank you for letting me love you and finding it in your heart to love me too.
Love,
Benj.
Ten
What is love though?
Aria
August 2017
Summer in Kansas is no freaking joke. It’s hot and it’s humid. Even if I weren’t more than halfway through a pregnancy, I’m not sure I’d be handling it well. I’m used to the wet and cold with random bouts of warmth depending on the season.
We are at the tail end of summer, it’s almost fall according to my planner, so it really shouldn’t be this muggy and gross. Yes, I have a planner. I have a ginormous planner that has everything I’ve ever needed to know and every little thing I’m supposed to do in it. I laughed when my doctor told me I had what’s called “mommy brain”. I made all kinds of jokes about my forgetfulness, only to find out it’s a very real thing that happens during pregnancy. And it sucks. I was starting to think I was going through some sort of early onset dementia or something until my doctor corrected me, but it had me really freaked me out for a minute.
Anyway, Kansas. I’m here and it’s beautiful, nothing at all like I’d expected from watching the Wizard of Oz as a kid. If it weren’t so disgustingly hot, I could imagine myself living here. Except now that I’m looking in a mirror, I see that my hair and this humidity are not friends. My long blonde hair has doubled in size, and that’s after I flat ironed it to smooth it down. My attempt to make myself cute has fallen flat. My too big for my face, blue eyes look tired, turning my most pronounced feature look haggard and puffy. The ‘beach ball under my shirt look’ that I’m rocking, has pretty much ruined it for me. My makeup is sweating down my face, my whole body feels sticky, and none of my clothes fit right. It’s enough to give a girl some really fucked up self-esteem issues, but it’s a small price to pay for the sweet girl growing inside of me.
If not for the sweet letters, phone calls and emails Benji has sent me, I’d really be worried that he’ll find me lacking. I don’t know when I began to care what he thinks, but the idiot has really done it. I finally believe that he’s in this for the long haul. The changes in his personality are like night and day.
At first I was skeptical, but it’d be a mighty big show to put on for this long and the more I thought about things, the more I realized that he has no reason to be bullshitting me. Though, after a lifetime of being let down I’m playing it safe. I’ve been setting more money aside than he knows about, and I’ve been working my ass off to build up a savings just in case things go badly. I also graduated early and he’s under the assumption that my online classes are for high school instead of an associate’s degree in my chosen trade. I’m starting on as a low level tech, but my bosses have been so helpful and I’m breezing through the training program because I’m genuinely enjoying learning the job. Demi, Tate, and my little brother, Niko threw me a small party of us and my little princess to celebrate all of my accomplishments. I feel sort of like an asshole for hiding so much from the man I’m trying to build a life with, but life has taught me not to underestimate how quickly things can go bad. I’m proud of myself for working hard and setting myself and my daughter up for success no matter what. At least if this doesn’t work out with Benji, I’ll have enough security to land on my feet with my little princess.
For now though, I’ve allowed myself to fall for him again. In the back of my mind, I’m always aware of the subtle red flags and his past behavior, but I’m putting a lot of faith and trust in Benj for now.
I’m trying to love him. Idolove him. Maybe I’m not in love with him, but my version of love might just be different because of my baggage. At least that’s what I tell myself. If I keep trying then it’ll become easier with time. Because I love that he’s willing to try. I love that he loves my daughter when he could have walked away. I love that he seems to care about our wellbeing, even if he tries to control things a little more than I’d like.
So I’m trying. I don’t exactly have the best examples of love in my life so I don’t really even know what that means. Maybe I am in love with him. I know that I care for him and I am now to the point that I can see us creating a life together. I’m still incredibly attracted to him. He’s never made me come though, so that’s a problem I’m not really willing to deal with for a lifetime. I hope he’s less of a selfish lover with this whole experience. He’s putting the baby and I before himself and that’s huge for him.
Oh god, am I the selfish one? Should I be more invested? I am such a bitch. Even after all this time and him joining the freaking military for me, for us, I’m still struggling to let him have all of me. I’m ten minutes from walking out the door to go to his graduation ceremony and I’m here thinking about this shit? What is wrong with me?
I need to see him. That’ll help. It has to. The letters have been amazing, but I need to see him do all these things and act this way when we are together. That has to be it. This is nerves. I love him. I do. I am falling in love with the father of my daughter. This is our life and we’re going to make it the best one we can.
Eleven
Bootcamp and bitches apparently make a man a soldier
Aria
August 2017
“There you are beautiful! Holy fuck, I’ve missed you!” Benji runs up to me, and I do my best not to waddle towards him to meet him in the middle.
