Swoon worthy.
Guitar riffs surround us as the intro to a familiar song sounds. I can’t quite place it at first but it doesn’t take long for me to know they’ve created their own acoustic arrangement ofNumb Little Bugby Em Beihold and my heart sinks into my stomach. This song took TikTok by storm and when I first heard it, I couldn’t help feeling like it was the most relatable song I’d ever heard. I mean, I tend to do that a lot with songs, but this one hit really close to home and to know these guys felt the same way all this time tears at my soul irreparably.
Tears are welling in my eyes and by the time they reach the chorus, I’m praying that my waterproof mascara is doing its job. There’s a weight on my chest and my vision goes a little hazy as they sing about numbing their pain with drugs, losing touch with their friends, and trying to find understanding in wanting to let go because they stopped caring so long ago, but not wanting to give up on the idea of finding happiness somehow. It hits me straight in the heart, their agony resonating deeply, and that’s the last thing I feel before everything goes dark.
Chapter Seventeen
Ainsley James Dylan
“Igotyou,Ains.Hold tight, baby.”
I hear Ezra’s voice talking to me, but I have no idea what’s going on at first. A cool rag touches my forehead, then pats gently down my temple and further to my neck.
“What—” I blink my eyes open and see we’re in the dark lounge that I’m remembering now. My heartbeat starts to pick up at a rapid pace when I remember the beautiful song being sung, and how much it hurt my heart. It was powerful and almost too relatable, so much so that I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t handle the truth. I hurt them so badly and I’m too pathetic to even face it.
“I think you had an anxiety attack and blacked out, love” Cyan’s steady cadence calms me just enough to start pulling myself together, enough so that I know exactly how embarrassed to be right now. Mortified might be a better term, honestly—amongst other things.
“Sorry. Oh man, this is seriously humiliating.” I bury my head into Ezra’s chest. He smells good and I want to stay here forever.
“Can you handle another few songs or do you wanna bounce? Maybe it could help to get up there and sing it out for yourself.” Rebel asks. When I turn to finally face him he looks me over, infusing some of his strength in me with just one look.
“Why don’t you guys go first and I’ll pick a song in the meantime. I’ll be okay, I’m apparently great at helping other people face their problems but shit at doing it myself,” I huff a small self-deprecating laugh, looking down at my fidgety hands.
“It’s okay, we’ll get through those hard parts together. For now let’s change it up a bit. I’ll go next.” Dexter cups my face, turning to look me in the eye when he speaks, punctuating his statement with a lighthearted kiss.
His whole demeanor is relaxed, like he’s in his element. Whether it’s being around me or the music, maybe both, I’m not sure, but something peaceful seems to have settled within him and I find myself envious of how self-assured and content he is right now. How did that happen within the span of a single day? It was only this morning that I saw him for the first time in eight plus years, right? So much has changed and it’s happening too fast for me to thoroughly process.
I watch him walk up to the stage with more swagger emanating from him than I’ve ever seen in one person. He speaks to a DJ that’s sitting off the side of the stage, who nods enthusiastically. Then he quickly sets up his mic, testing it by talking to the audience. His voice drops low, seductive even, and something clenches tight in my belly. I squirm a little and realize I’m causing a really large issue for E.
“Don’t stop on my account, pretty girl,” he whispers into my ear.
I swear these guys are all so overstimulating, I can’t focus on anything for too long. It’s so distracting and everything I was afraid of. When I hear what Dex says next though, I’m fully committed to hearing every word that passes through his lips.
“This song is basically how I’ve felt for the last eight years. Now that things are finally falling back into place, I couldn’t be happier. Hopefully, this will be hello to new adventures and goodbye to all the things this song represents.”
The intro starts and I place Justin Bieber’sGhostimmediately. This time when the tears come I’m smiling because I know exactly what he means. I felt it too, and I think I’m finally ready to say my farewells to settling for the ghosts of these past years alone. I’m ready for them to be my present and my future. At least, I hope I am.
“…Your memory is ecstasy. I miss you more than life. I miss you more than life.” The final words of his JB cover ring out throughout the surrounding room. Girls are at the front of the stage swooning. People that have been singing along are cheering. His smile is wide when he leaves the stage, and I can see the final weight has been lifted. He knows what he wants and what he wants is me.
***
Rebel ended up singingBack To Youby Selena Gomez and Cyan joined me onstage to duetMeant to Beby Bebe Rexha and Florida Georgia Line, then last second all the guys joined us on stage with instruments and mics in hand to wrap up our little set list with an impromptu cover ofBrokenby Seether. Luckily, I knew Amy Lee’s part well enough for it to be decent since I wasn’t ready. Clearly they’d preplanned it though, so it all came together as it was supposed to I guess.
Not only was it fun, but it gave us the perfect outlet to express ourselves. They haven’t outright said it again but based on their demands for me to be a part of their band previously, I imagine the goal was to remind me of what we could be together. Honestly, it may have worked. Tonight has been cathartic—everything I didn’t know I needed.
I’d never have done this myself, so I’m glad they pushed my boundaries. I know we need to have real conversations about everything but it was truly the perfect way to break the ice after years of me essentially going into hiding.
Now we’re all sitting around eating cheap bar food and laughing at Rebel’s terrible sense of humor. It’s proving to be a blast and the tension I’ve held onto for the last twenty-four hours is dissipating. The drinks are helping too, even if it’s awkward that I’m the only one actually consuming alcohol.
“I think women are straight lady bosses. They’ve basically got Hiroshima between their legs after having a baby.” At our looks of confusion, he elaborates. “You know that shit gets bombed real hard, then makes a mad comeback and leaves them with an awesome story to tell, plus all that creating life shit. It’s impressive as fuck.”
“For real Rebs, I think I can appreciate the sentiment but your mind is legit just insulting to the rest of humanity,” I tell him after listening to him tell a story about some TikTok he saw about a guy complaining about his wife after she’d just given birth. Admittedly that man is an asshole because women are goddesses that come in all shapes and sizes—fight me if you think I’m wrong—but Rebel didn’t have to take it that far in her defense.
“She’s not wrong, man. Sometimes I worry that you’ll give my brain erectile dysfunction with that shit that comes out of your mouth,” Ezra says with a strange look on his face.
It’s like he’s still fighting his laughter but is also immensely offended by the picture Rebel painted and can’t decide which emotion to land on.
That’s when I lose it entirely. That damn face and the warm buzz I’m living for are perfect when combined. I can’t remember the last time I laughed this hard. If I had to take a guess, I’d venture to say it was probably one of the last times I was with one of these guys—or all of them.
