Ellen closed her eyes. “I can’t,” she said again. “It’s too much. I don’t know how to... I thought I was better, but I let down my guard and look what happened. I’m no good at being... with someone.”
“The mugging didn’t happen because you let down your guard!” he exclaimed. “Are you blaming yourself again? Fuck, Ellen, I thought we’d been over this.”
She shook her head. “I know. And I don’t think I’m going to change. That’s why I’m going. You deserve better.”
“Better? Jesus.” She turned the key in the lock, and the door opened, but he put out an arm to stop her going in. “Don’t,” he begged. “Don’t give up on us.”
She shook her head again. “Not on you. Just me. You can find someone else.” She pressed a hand to her cheeks as the tears spilled over.
His heart was being ripped out of his chest, but he had to say it. “I’m not in love with someone else.”
“Don’t say that!” Her tear-filled eyes met his. She sagged against the door. “Don’t say that.”
“Too late.”
“I’m sorry,” she said, crying hard now. “I love you too. Don’t,” she said when he moved closer. “It doesn’t matter. I don’t think I love you enough, because I can’t do this.”
He hadn’t realized until now that he had tears on his own face. “How can you think of going back?”
“It’s the only way I can stay sane.”
He didn’t have the words to make her stay. The breath he took got caught in his throat. He was really going to lose her. The only woman he couldn’t stand to lose, and he was going to let her go.
When he lowered his head to kiss her, she sobbed deep in her chest, and her lips trembled against his. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I wish I’d never met you.”
“Me too,” he murmured back. “I love you.”
She mouthed the words back at him, unable to speak, and closed the door.
