Which meant no, I actually couldnotbreak my mother's heart.
That left me to forge ahead with Audrey and this half-cocked plan of mine. Sure, it would all come crashing down eventually, but my mother had spent the last two years fighting for her life. She'd earned some uncomplicated joy, even if it was built on a massive lie. I'd deal with the fallout later.
But god help me, I wasn't sure I'd survive a trip to Arizona with Audrey. The plan had made sense at first, but even texting with her now was like trying to outrun a serial killer by hiding in a basement. She was going to unravel my every defense and I wouldn't even try to stop her.
That was the real problem—not that she'd break me again, but that I'd let her.
"I don't knowwhat you're worried about. We're gettin' on just fine," Brenda drawled, a pointed stare hiding right behindher smile. "You really didn't have to come all the way up here to check on us."
"I had some down time between meetings," I lied. "Figured I'd swing by."
She packed a dozen different emotions into her quick response of, "Isn't that nice for you."
If there was one person who hated sharing custody of Percy more than I did, it was Brenda. Most of the time, I didn't blame her. For fuck's sake, I was the one-night stand and Penny hadn't gone looking for me untilafterPercy was born. She'd spent the entire pregnancy planning to raise him on her own—same as my mother raised me—and Brenda had been right there with her every step of the way.
Brenda didn't know me, and as far as she was concerned, my involvement here had been a gift granted to me by her daughter, which I'd damn well better remember.
The least I could do was let her resent me.
"It's good for him to be here," Brenda said. She didn't try to hide the defensiveness in her words. "It's good for him to be outside and play like the other kids. He shouldn't be cooped up inside all the time."
Was it possible for my jaw to permanently clench? Could it lock up and stay this way for the rest of my life? Felt like it. "He's not cooped up inside all the time."
"He needs to run around more and spend less time on that tablet," she went on. "All the experts say screen time is terrible for children."
"Unless those children are using the screens as assistive technology," I said, but Brenda wasn't listening to me.
She was as stubborn as they came. Set in her ways to no end. I didn't know how much of that was a coping mechanism, like she'd frozen in place when the worst happened and was stillthere. But it was as though she was on fire and couldn't bring herself to let me hose her off.
Percy wandered toward us from across the grassy yard, his feet bare, a bucket hat hiding most of his face and a worn hardcover book tucked under his arm. He walked straight into me, his little face mashed against my leg and his free hand curled around my belt.
"Hey, man," I said, rubbing his back. "I'm digging this hat. Good look for you."
He tipped his head back, his eyes wide and owlish behind his glasses. Passing me the book to free up his hands, he signed, "Are you taking me home?"
One thing that'd blindsided me in this parenting journey was the brutal pain of watching my child struggle and not being able to do anything about it. He loved Brenda and he generally liked visiting her but the transition here was always tough. Getting out of step with the preschool schedule, his regular therapies, and the routine we had at home didn't make this any easier.
I cut a glance at Brenda. She'd dropped into a rocking chair on the porch, her face pinched and her gaze fixed on Percy. But she only knew the bare basics of ASL. She'd tried to learn when we realized this was more than a speech delay but she never got the hang of it. And since he had communication tools on his tablet, it didn't seem like a major issue to her.
"I'm just dropping in for the night," I signed, "And I'll straighten things out with Grandma."
His shoulders sagged. "Nothing's ever straight with Grandma."
I had to swallow a laugh at that. He was a cranky geezer with a soul as old as dirt in the body of a four-year-old. "We'll figure this out," I signed. "And we'll get the good waffles too."
He tugged on my belt and I scooped him up. His arms went around my neck and his head settled on my shoulder, and I finally exhaled all the way.
"We went to the playground this morning," Brenda called. "Did Percy mention that? He madetwonew friends."
"That sounds fun," I said to him.
"All they did was run around and scream," he signed.
"They played a game foran hour," she added. "All three of them together."
He rolled his eyes. "The rules didn't make any sense and they forgot all about them after five minutes."
"That's what kids do," I said. "You know that. Because you're a kid."
