"How does this end?" I asked, my throat suddenly tight. "Or have you failed to mention that we're actually faking it for the rest of your mother's life and therewillbe a wedding at some point?"
He cocked his head to the side as if he hadn't thought that far ahead. "We'll realize we want different things come September," he said, eyeing me with a bit more attention than necessary. "Or maybe you'll run off on me once again."
My entire adult personality was a carefully stacked tower of bad decisions, the foundation built on falling in line because my parents said so, and the mortar a mixture of grief and regret. I drifted off to sleep every night replaying my most painful moments and rehearsing new, less disastrous versions of them.
So I knew what it looked like when I was staring down a dark, thorny path that would inevitably drag me to hell and back. I also knew Jude Bellessi didn't want anything to do with me. If not for that deathbed promise and the miraculous events that followed, he never would've spoken to me again.
And I knew I'd do anything for him. Always. Even if it broke me in the end.
chapter seven
Jude
Today's vocabulary word: transition
I could admitwhen mistakes were made.
Returning to Hartford, showing up at that reunion, asking Audrey to help me out—I knew I was chasing trouble going in but the enormity of it didn't register until her first series of panicked texts came through.
Audrey: I'm sorry but I still don't understand how your very observant mother is going to believe that we've reconnected to the point that we're ENGAGED.
Audrey: When did this relationship occur? How did it happen? Are there stories to tell? Photos to share? Anything?
Audrey: I don't even know where you live!
Audrey: How are we supposed to get the story straight if we're pulling it out of thin air?
Audrey: We'll screw up and she'll know!
I glared at my phone as I shuffled through the rental car line at Detroit Metro. I had a drive ahead of me to Brenda's place up in Saginaw and I'd planned on making the most of the time I had before seeing my boy. First, I was going to rant at my attorney about the custody agreement. It wouldn't solve anything other than adding an hour to my tab but there was no one else willing to listen while I complained about a grieving grandmother.
Then, I'd run some mental lock-picking drills on how I intended to fake loving bliss with Audrey next week. She was worried we wouldn't be able to pull it off. I was worried I wouldn't be able to stop.
She was the reason I'd wasted the entire flight from Hartford. I'd sat down with the intention of clearing out my email inbox and then returning to my research into private schools for Percy in the Alexandria area. But then I blinked and the wheels touched down, and I'd lost that time to replaying every minute I'd spent with Audrey, examining every inch of the woman she was now. Of how she felt against me. Of how difficult it'd been to watch her walk away.
Jude: Don't worry about my mother. She's been too busy getting well to be observant these past 2 years
Audrey: Right, about that: how does this make any sense? Your mother goes through CANCER treatment, almost DIES, and I don't check in on her even ONCE? She must think I'm a horrible, callous person
Jude: You have a problem with people thinking that now? Wouldn't have guessed that about you
I knew better than to take a shot like that, but knowing better had always been my problem when it came to Audrey Saunders. Sense and self-preservation had never stood a chance when she was involved.
Jude: I live in northern Virginia. Alexandria. Outside of DC.
Audrey: …okay?
Jude: you said you didn't know where I lived. I'm telling you I live outside of DC.
I watched the screen for a minute, waiting for a response, but nothing came through. I probably deserved her silence. At least I had a reprieve from more questions I couldn't answer. Those questions were why I'd put this off for months and they were why there was no way we'd make it through a full week together without some fatal wounds. Not when those careful, studious glances of hers had felt like she was peeling back my skin and finding all the rotten and hollowed-out things inside me.
And that was my problem. I had all the years and miles and scars separating us from the past, and the most raw, fragile parts of me—the ones that fucking knew better—still ended up leading me back to her. It was wrong but that old, reckless streak of mine still believed there was no one safer to claim than the one person who could actually ruin me—and had done it twice.
For a long time, I'd nursed an unhinged little theory that I could put all the things that'd broken between us back together if she'd just let me get close enough to pick up the pieces. To show her that there was nothing we couldn't fix together. Anothermistake, but that hadn't stopped me from circling the wreckage when I wanted to remind myself of the damage she could do to me.
And here I was, waiting in line for more.
As I saw it, my options were limited. I could break my mother's heart. I'd considered that more than once, and every time I'd tried to walk back this phantom love story, she'd make an offhand comment about how thrilled she was that I'd found Audrey again. How excited she was for us to get a fresh start. After "all that mess." How much she wanted to throw us forty different parties to celebrate. How she'd wanted this for me, and now Percy too, for so long.
