I won’t lie to him, but this is a lot to take in and I don’t want to give him the wrong impression. Yes, I share adult content, but plenty of it is PG-13. Some of these guys just want someone to talk to and others are perfectly happy to watch me study or clean my apartment in my underwear.
“Yes, there is adult content on my channel.”
The color drains from his face and I curse my pre-date jitters.
If only I’d packed up. Or reminded him the bathroom was on the left. Then I wouldn’t be in this mess.
“I really didn’t see this coming,” he says, scrubbing a hand over his face.
That makes two of us.
What started off as the perfect date is starting to feel like a runaway train and I have no idea how to get it back on track, or if it’s even possible.
“I’m sorry. Maybe I’m being thick here, but this is all new to me.” Brady scans the room as if he’s searching for the right words. “I don’t understand why you would do this? Sex should be meaningful. An intimate act shared between two people who care about each other deeply.”
I’ve never viewed sex through such rose-colored lenses, but I’m not about to knock his beliefs because they’re different from my own. Our experiences have shaped our world views, so it’s hardly a surprise that he places high value on intimacy while I’ve been trading it like a commodity.
“Not everyone feels the way you do,” I say quietly.
“I know.” He throws up his hands. “There are plenty of people who use sex as an outlet for stress relief or self-care or hell, even self-discovery. I’m just not one of them. I’m not built that way.”
It’s not the revelation he thinks it is.
I knew from the moment we met that Brady’s values were old school.
It’s one of the things that first attracted me to him, but it’s also one of the most frustrating.
Because even though he’s not trying to throw shade, his words sting.
“When I applied to Waverly, I was granted an academic scholarship.” I lean against the doorjamb and fold my arms tightly across my chest. “It was only a partial, so I had to work part-time to cover room and board. Still, I was thrilled. I’d worked throughout high school and it was never an issue, but it turns out college is harder than high school. The long hours I put in tutoring at the academic center caused me to fall behind in my classes, and my grades slipped. I knew my scholarship would be at risk if my GPA slipped below a three-point-five, but I couldn’t quit tutoring. I needed the money for food and incidentals.” Add in the fact that studying in the dorm was nearly impossible because my neighbors were always partying and yeah, it wasn’t a great situation. “By the time I went home for summer break, my scholarship had been rescinded for failing to maintain academic excellence,” I say, throwing up air quotes.
“Jesus.” Brady shakes his head in disgust. “They expected you to work and maintain a three-point-five GPA? That’s brutal.”
“Tell me about it.”
“Most guys I know are lucky to stay above a three-point-oh.”
“That wasn’t even the worst part. When my mother found out I’d lost my financial aid, she was thrilled.” I laugh bitterly. “I’ve never heard such a gleefulI told you soin my life.”
My stomach churns at the ugly memory and I want to stop talking, but I can’t. Brady needs to hear it, if only to understand why I’ve made the choices I have.
“Most parents want to see their kids succeed, to have a better life, but not Nora. She reveled in my failure, secure in the knowledge that I was no better than her.”
Talk about a one-two punch.
That it came from the one person who was supposed to love me unconditionally was the least surprising, but most damaging of all.
“Nora wanted to see me brought low, but the joke was on her because every snide comment she made fueled my determination to get back to Waverly and prove her wrong.” I sigh. “I couldn’t get student loans because I didn’t have a cosigner and working for nine dollars an hour at the local grocery store wasn’t cutting it. I’d blown through my savings by that point, and I was desperate. That’s when I turned to camming.”
The first time I stripped on camera, I was terrified, but over time, I came to love it. Camming’s helped boost my confidence, strengthen my body, and broaden my horizons. I never would’ve started taking pole classes if it hadn’t been a tax write-off for my business.
“I know what it’s like to feel desperate. To feel like your back is against the wall.” Brady takes a step forward, but then seems to think better of it. “You shouldn’t have to do this to get an education.”
Irritation flares deep in my belly at the insinuation that there’s something wrong or inherently dirty about camming, but I tamp it down.
Lashing out won’t get us anywhere.
“No one is forcing me to do it. It’s my choice.” Everything that happens on my channel is my choice. That’s what makes it so empowering. “Camming allows me the flexibility to set my own hours and the money is good.”
