She didn’t want to admit to it, even though it was obvious, and shook her head.
“Where are you going?” she asked, chest tightening. Would he still be here when Yat-sen’s plan unfolded?
He sighed, long and hard. “Bohai hasn’t been particularly thrilled at the prospect of me guarding you. He thinks I have too much potential to simply be a bodyguard. There are too many threats to the throne right now for me to always be by your side. Though this is where I’d rather be all day.” He pressed a kiss to her forehead, reverently, gently—and something cracked in her chest at the tenderness. “I’ll be up north.”
“North?” Biyu’s breath wrenched from deep inside her. That was where most of the rebel forces were—in the coldest part of the country, where the harsh climate made it harder to face them. If he was going there, then that meant he would be in battle, fighting against the rebels. She tasted ash on her tongue. Bitter and hard to swallow. “You’ll be going to fight?”
“Only for a bit.” He tucked her hair behind her ear.
“No. You have to refuse.”
His eyebrow lifted and amusement flashed over his face. “Worried about me?”
“Nikator, you’ll be going into battle.” She pushed herself into a sitting position. “It’s dangerous?—”
“I’ve been in battle before.” He crossed his arms behind his head. All the scars littered over his body seemed to testify to that statement. In the dim, flickering lighting, they appeared silvery. “Biyu, I won’t be long, and when I’m back, I’ll be with you once more.”
“What if you—” Her voice cracked and she couldn’t finish the sentence. What if he never came back to her? What if he died while fighting against the rebels—the very people whose side she was supposed to be on?
“I’ve lived through the worst of it,” he said with a chuckle. “I’ll be fine.”
Yes, he had been through various battles—the battle for the throne, the usurpation, the fight against the rebels who wanted to put Yat-sen on the throne. But back then, she hadn’t cared if he lived or died. Now it was a different matter.
“What will you be doing there? Something dangerous?” Biyu’s throat constricted at the thought of him being in the thick of battle. Of the soldiers that would fight against him to the death. Of the bloodshed that would inevitably be spilled—his and theirs.
Nikator’s deeply blue eyes shifted from her to the ceiling of her bed. His muscles flexed as he closed his eyes, as if bracing for her reaction. “I can’t tell you that.”
Biyu flinched like he had struck her.
She didn’t know why it hurt so badly—especially since he was right, hecouldn’ttrust her with that—and yet it made everything between them feel less real. She couldn’t hide between the pretty words, the connection between their bodies, and their passionate kisses. All of it masked the truth that she had been trying to conceal from her heart. They were enemies, and he wasn’t fooled by their lovemaking. He didn’t trust her.
They were still enemies and no amount of kissing would change that.
“You can’t tell me?” The backs of her eyes burned and she pulled the blanket up to her chest, no longer comfortable being so vulnerable and scantily clad in front of him. She was being unreasonable. She was going to betray him—she already had by giving Yat-sen the spell—but hearing the truthhurt.
She was a hypocrite. She could break his trust and betray him, but he couldn’t do the same? She realized the flaws in her logic, but it didn’t change the pain.
“Biyu …” He pushed himself upright and reached for her, but she scooted away, tears rolling down her cheeks.
“I’m worried about you and you—” Her words were hollow and she couldn’t stop from feeling like a fraud; she couldn’t get mad at him for rightly not trusting her.
“It’s not …” Nikator raked a hand through his hair. “It’s not like that.”
“Then what is it like?”
“It’s all confidential. You should understand.”
She should understand, but she was being unreasonable. Biyu sniffled and turned her back to him. She brought her knees to her chest and wound her arms around them. She hated theconflicting emotions warring inside her. She was going to be hurting him much more in a few weeks when the plan came to fruition, so why make a big deal over something like this? She didn’t trust him, so how could she expect him to do the same?
“Biyu.” Nikator’s fingers trailed up her spine and she shivered as he ran a soothing hand up and down. He played with her hair gently, distractedly. “Come here.”
“No.”
“Sit with me. Please?”
She cast a furtive glance over her shoulder. “What is it?”
He snaked a powerful arm around her waist and yanked her onto his lap. She yelped, her hands splaying on his chest at the unexpected contact. He wrapped his arms around her and tucked his chin over her head.
