“Yeah.”
“You’re tired,” I said. “Did I call too soon?”
“No, you didn’t. I was just napping because apparently doing almost nothing takes up all my energy now.”
I could hear the frustration in Declan’s voice and my heart went out to him. Before I could dig into that, though, he suddenly said, “You got home early. You must have run out of the office.”
“I did! Greg had to chase me into the street to invite me out.”
“Oh? Are you going out again then?”
“Nah, I’m going to talk to you, silly. I need someone to keep me company while I cook dinner.”
“You didn’t want to hit the pub with the rest of the office?”
I changed my phone from one hand to the other so I could fight my way out of my coat one sleeve at a time. “No, why would I want to do that when I can be here with you? I’m so excited about getting to visit. We haven’t been to your parents for Christmas in years. Does your mum have the tree up yet?”
He gave a snort. “Went up on the first of December.”
I laughed. “At least your house will be full of festive cheer. I’m going to soak up all those good Christmass-y feelings.”
I’d thought we were talking about Christmas trees, which is why I didn’t follow the sudden conversation u-turn when Declan asked, “Are you sure you didn’t want to go out with Greg?”
“Dude, if I wanted to go out with Greg, I’d have gone out with Greg. I wanted to come home and talk to you!”
Something in my chest tightened as I said it. I’d always been very clear to Declan about how much I cared about him. And then, when he’d been in hospital, laying in that bed with those white sheets pulled up over him and those bright lights turning his skin a sickly grey, I’d blurted it out again.
Only, I’d blurted it out in a way he couldn’t mis-understand. The words, “I love you, Declan,” were hard to mis-understand, right?
I wasn’t sure whether I was glad or disappointed that he hadn’t heard me. Or he’d been so out-of-it that he hadn’t understood.
And it had never been the right time to say those words again.
The problem was, I wanted to say them. With every fibre of my being, I wanted to wrap my arms around Declan’s neck and hold him tightly to me and whisper in his ear over and over again how much I loved him.
Why hadn’t I? Well, because it was unfair to do it while he was recovering. He’d been in hospital. Then he’d gone to his parents’ house to recover. And I hadn’t seen him since.
It was like having part of me cut away, and I knew that was a terrible metaphor under the circumstances, when Declan reallyhadlost part of his limb and it was difficult and he was struggling and I hated that for him but also… having him gone from my life had made me feel like I was missing some vital part of myself that I couldn’t name.
I realised neither of us had spoken for a while and I cleared my throat. “I can go out with the office any time I like.”
“You know Greg wants to go out with you, right?”
“I know. I literally just told you that. But I didn’t want to, I can see everyone in the new year.”
Declan snorted. “No, Sonny, I mean he wants togo outwith you. Like, be your boyfriend.”
I made some gagging noises down the phone and spluttered, “What, Greg? Ew, no thank you,” until Declan gave a reluctant chuckle.
To be honest, Greg was fine. He wasn’t a terrible person or anything, he just wasn’t my type. I was not interested in the slightest. And I needed to make that clear to Declan so that when I told him that I loved him, he’d believe me.
My heart started beating faster, afraid. But I really did need to tell him. Because I couldn’t let him slip through my fingers again, not after he’d almost slipped out of our lives completely.
Would he love me back?
“Alright, alright,” he said at last. “Greg is not the one for you.”
“Nope, he isn’t. Anyway, do I get to open a present when I get there on Saturday?”
