My affection for Alistair is growing by leaps and bounds.
“I have to get Cyril to tell the truth,” says James.
Then he turns to me. “You will go to Oxford.” His voice is firm, like he has no doubt that his words are true. “Whatever I have to do to get you there.”
I look at James, who is staring at his friends over my head.There’s gratitude in his eyes, and I can practically feel the bond between them, built up over their years of friendship. The four of them exude confidence and an absolute team spirit. And suddenly, my situation doesn’t feel quite as hopeless as it did a few hours ago.
James
The throbbing in my temples has intensified in the past few hours. Not even the tablets that Alistair dug out of his mum’s medicine cabinet for me have done any good. Far from it. I feel like my headache is getting worse and worse the longer I’m on my feet.
I can hear Lydia’s sobs ringing in my ears.I don’t want to go.The echo of her words has been following me for hours.Don’t let him send me away, James.
I press my fingers to the bridge of my nose in an effort to ease the pressure behind my eyes. But that doesn’t work either.
I’ve failed. Totally failed. As a brother and as a boyfriend. If I could, I’d go to Beckdale in Lydia’s place. And if I could, I’d let Ruby take my place at Maxton Hall so she can do her A levels. But wishful thinking isn’t going to help this situation.
“James,” Ruby whispers.
“Yes?”
“I’ve been suspended.”
I lower my eyes so I can look into Ruby’s face. The streetlights are bright enough to show her huge pupils and bright red cheeks. I asked Percy to drop us off at the edge of Gormsey, in the hopethat the walk would sober Ruby up a bit. If I’d taken her home in the state I found her in at Alistair’s, I’d have been in her parents’ bad books for all time, I’m sure.
Her body trembles slightly. I don’t hesitate, just slip off my coat and wrap it around her shoulders. I don’t have words. All I can do is rub her arms and try to warm her up.
She makes a sound that might have been intended as a giggle, but then turns into a sob halfway through. “Me. Suspended. Kicked out of school. Can you believe it?”
My chest tightens. No. I can’t believe it. I don’twantto believe it. Any more than I want to believe that it’s all my fault. Will Ruby ever be able to look at me again once she’s slept it off and realized that it was me who caused her all this heartbreak?
“I just don’t know what I’m going to do,” she whispers. Her voice is muffled. “With this on my record, no other school will take me. And I can’t go to uni without A levels. I’ll have to get a job so as not to cost my parents money.” She blinks rapidly, but it’s no good. The tears run down her cheeks. Ruby takes a shuddering breath, and I can feel every bit of her pain.
“I’m so sorry for letting you down again,” I murmur urgently. I stroke a strand of hair out of her eyes and tuck it behind her ear, then I rub my thumbs gently over her cheeks, wiping away her tears. “I meant what I said at Alistair’s. I’ll do whatever it takes for you to go to Oxford. I promise you.”
Never in my life have I meant a promise as seriously as I do this one.
My feelings for Ruby developed slowly, and then broke over me like a storm. There are no masks or façades when I’m with her; she’s the only person I give my whole self to. And that’s terrifying.I couldn’t deal with losing her again. Not after we’ve got over such huge hurdles. Not now I know that she’s the best thing that ever happened to me.
“Since I met you, my life has been so fucked up,” she croaks. “I don’t know how I’m meant to believe it.”
My hand on her cheek shakes. “I understand that. But I’ll believe it for both of us until you get there.”
Ruby swallows. And then, in slow motion, she lets her head sink onto my collarbone. She takes a deep breath, and at the same moment, her hands slide to my hips. She holds tight to me, as though at this moment, I’m all she has to cling to. I don’t know if she really believes my words, or if the whisky has just made her sleepy. But I lift my hand and stroke the back of her head.
When Ruby is this close to me, I stop feeling like I’ve got the weight of the world on my shoulders. It feels more as though I’m holding the entire world in my arms.
5
Ruby
I’m woken by a gentle snore. Heavy limbed, I roll onto my side and see Ember lying next to me. She has one arm stretched out over her head, and her mouth is open slightly.
How did she get into my bed?
I can’t remember the last time we shared a bed. When we were younger, we often had pajama parties at the weekend and fell asleep without brushing our teeth, surrounded by potato crisp crumbs and lying half on top of each other.
For about thirty seconds, I’m in that blissful state where you’re awake but not yet conscious, and so reality hasn’t caught up with you yet. But then I suddenly notice the stale taste in my mouth, and all at once the memories of yesterday rain down on me with full force.
