Our kisses were powerful and sweet. He pressed one into every crevice of my body. I returned each one, sucking his skin like it was nectar. I couldn’t get close enough to his heat. I was alive and content and loved as he moved with me.
“You’re my butterfly,” he said. “First and always. You belong to me, Silas.”
“First and always,” I agreed.
Silas’s Journal
Aleksander shook me awake. “Silas? You’re going to have a crying babe soon.”
I spared a groggy glance at the clock. The red numbers said five thirty-six. Close. Oliver was always up at six am without fail. I stumbled into my robe and kissed Aleksander. “Thank you, Mister Randall. I’ll get breakfast started.”
“I loved waking up with you in my arms. I hope we can have that someday,” he said.
I laughed, the nightmares of yesterday forgotten. “It’s not forever. We’re attached, but even we’re not that bad. I don’t imagine myself co-sleeping with him when he’s in elementary school.”
When I opened the door to our room, Oliver was already awake. He stared at nothing, one hand on Brix. He’d found his soother and was idly sucking it. He cried silently, tears running like waterfalls from his blue eyes until he saw me.
“Baba,” he croaked.
What had I done?
“Oh, sweet boy. Everything’s okay.” That was bullshit.
When I lifted him, I saw that he’d wet the bed. “We’ll get you all cleaned up, okay?”
Oliver hated being “ick” as he called it. “Kay.”
He was four now. It was a lot harder to cook breakfast with him clinging to me, but I managed. He didn’t say a word.
Aleksander sat down. I served him his coffee. “What’s wrong?”
“I don’t know. He’s not okay.” I didn’t know what to do. “Should I make a doctor’s appointment?”
That wasn’t something anyone did—even Mama—without Aleksander’s permission and approval, unless it was an emergency.
“I’m a doctor,” he reminded me. “I’ll look at him before I go in.”
I thought Oliver would scream, but he didn’t. His eerie silence continued. “He’s fine,” Aleksander announced. “He’s in a fright from last night. He’ll be all right in a day or two.”
I nodded and gathered him to me. I was still in my blue silk robe. Oliver clung to it.
“Take the day off. The chores can wait,” he said. “I’ll bring home takeout.”
For a second time, I nodded, adopting the same vow of silence as Oliver. I couldn’t speak. Oliver was getting heavy though. I’d been holding him all morning, so I sat him on the couch with his bunny, in front of a cartoon, sucking his soother.
Walking Aleksander to the door, I saw him off. “He’ll be all right. I fucked up, okay? I see that. We’re going to fix this together. I promise.”
“Together,” I agreed, but my stomach was filled with rocks.
“Come kiss me like you belong to me, butterfly.”
I wrapped a leg around him and curled a hand around his neck. I kissed him with all the love I ever had for him. He inhaled me. We stared at each other for longer than we usually did whenever I saw him off to his workday. He planted a final kiss on my forehead before he was out the door.
Things were … things were going to be fine.
When I turned around, Oliver was standing there, soother still in his mouth. He’d left the bunny on the couch. He quaked; his tiny body unable to handle the vibrations of his nervous system.
I knew what was wrong. Everything. Aleksander promised this wouldn’t happen again, but I didn’t trust him enough to keep that promise. Oliver would get worse each time. I couldn’t take the chance.
