“Yes. Of course. Go to him but return to me.”
* * *
Oliver
I’m shaking. I should stop, I should stop, I should stop. Do I though? No. With my heart hammering so hard that it might burst through my chest, I keep going.
Oliver was still crying. With less force now, but loud enough to hear through the door. His baby sobs broke me. I froze before going in unsure if I could handle what I saw. I knew I had to, so I took a moment to prepare myself. The last thing I wanted to do was upset him further by crying too.
Like he knew I was there, he patted on the door. I could imagine his toddler-sized palm slapping against it. “Baba. Baba. Oli can come out now? Pease. I’mma good boy.”
I opened the door carefully so he wouldn’t fall and scooped him up.
“Baba,” he croaked. He was too little to have a voice rough from crying.
“You’re the best boy.”
Aleksander’s words stuck with me. I was doing everything I knew to do for Oliver, but it was true that I was young and ill-equipped for fatherhood. Was I being selfish by keeping Oliver? Was I what was best for him?
“Where’s your bunny?” I said.
“Bunny’s over there.” He pointed.
I snatched the bunny up and squished him into Oliver’s waiting arms. The bunny was an immediate favorite of his. “Hug him tight, okay? We’re going to lie down for sleeping now.”
“Kay. What’s his name, Baba?”
I smiled. “The bunny?”
“Yeah. What’s bunny’s name?”
There was a cartoon Mama and I used to watch when I was little. Not about a bunny, but a mischievous squirrel called Brix. It used to make her laugh. “Brix,” I said.
“Brix,” he repeated. “Love you, Brix. Love you, Baba.”
My eyes filled with tears. “Love you, Eaglet.”
I held Oliver and hummed to him in the dark, inhaling his baby scent. He shook and trembled like a leaf until he finally nodded off.
Aleksander had waited outside the door for me. He sat, head against the wall, legs extended and crossed at the ankle, eyes red from crying. I’d forgotten he was capable. “You’re pathetic,” I said.
“Only for you, Silas.”
“Never fucking do that again.”
His rib cage shook with sobs. “Never.”
I extended a hand to him and as soon as he was up, his hands were on me.
Conflicting emotions were at war. I hated him and I loved him. I was scared and he was the only safety I’d ever known. I needed him and I wanted to drive a nail through his eye.
But nothing compared to how much I hated myself. Darius was on my mind. I’d left him to fend for himself. Oliver was withering. The confusion was stifling. The stack of heavy emotions was suffocating.
I went with the one thing I knew would make me feel good. “Make me belong to you, Aleksander.”
Silas
Our passion—sick and twisted by society’s views—was blue hot flames and while I could never be as callous as he was about the nature of our relationship, once I began, I was as powerless as he was to deny that for some fucked up reason, we had chemistry. That night I let it all go. I didn’t give a fuck about biology.
