Cara snorted out a giggle before she stifled it. “I’m sorry, Mum. I don’t mean to laugh, but I never thought I’d be having this conversation with you. You’re the least impulsive person I know.”
I groaned. She was right. When I finally did something impulsive—
“Look, I can guarantee that in your vows you promised to love Jacques, not his roommates. They’ll get used to the idea of you being around. It won’t kill them.” She paused for a moment. “Are you safe, Mum? Because if you’re not, if you don’t get a good vibe…. Do you think they’re good people?”
“Yeah, they are. Trav was with us in Vegas, and from what I’ve seen of Lincoln, he seems like a really decent man. I trust Jacques too. I don’t think he’d live with people who weren’t good, you know?”
“I do. As for Sophia and Pierre, maybe give them a chance to get used to the idea. If this can ruin your friendship, then was it as rock solid as you thought? I’m about to send Jacques a ‘welcome to the family’ message.”
“I love you, Cara.”
“Love you, too, Mum.” I could hear the smile in her voice, and it made me happy. “Roe says ‘I love you, Mum’ too.”
I laughed and Cara continued, “I’m sure they’ll come around. Heck, thanks to you, Dad came around to me having two boyfriends. If you can make that happen, you can win back their friendship.”
“Thank you,” I whispered.
My persuading her father had been the last conversation I’d had with him before I’d left. He’d told me he wanted me back, but what he really meant was that he wanted his housecleaner, chef, and personal assistant back. He’d destroyed my trust in him, and even if I could believe him, he never once promised to be faithful. He wanted the best of both worlds, and I wouldn’t make that mistake again. He’d lost me, but I’d let him know that he was also going to lose his daughter if he didn’t pull his finger out. Thankfully he understood how serious I was and agreed to work toward repairing their relationship.
“Mum, I’m proud of you. I could never be ashamed of you. You’re my mum.”
“My life is a shambles.”
“Pfft, you’re human. We all mess up. But the important thing is that the people who love you will always stand by you.”
We said goodbye, and I hung up, grateful for her support. If I did stay here for a year, at least I’d have Cara nearby. I could help her settle into her new place and keep her company when she needed it.
I sighed. How was my daughter more mature than me? My life was a complete clusterfuck. It wasn’t just the past twenty-four hours either. It was the past twenty-two years. I was young and stupid when I’d met David. We’d started dating, then I fell pregnant when he persuaded me not to bother with condoms despite me not being on the pill. Pulling out wasn’t quite as effective a contraceptive as he’d believed.
I would never regret having Cara. She was the light of my life. But falling pregnant before I’d even turned eighteen had changed the future I’d imagined for myself. I thought I’d been happy. I thought I enjoyed my life, but I was comfortable, not happy. I didn’t even know who I was anymore.
I had no regrets with Cara. But now that she was all grown up, I was untethered. I had nothing that was mine. My marriage had fallen apart, and with it, I’d lost the only part of me that I still recognized. I was supposed to be on a quest to find myself. Instead, I’d somehow ended up making everything worse. I was still that stupid seventeen-year-old in a thirty-nine-year-old’s body.
I’d had fun in Vegas. It wasn’t about the shopping or the food and liquor we’d indulged in. It wasn’t even about the sex. I’d felt alive. I’d been free to have fun and break out of the strangling mold I’d voluntarily poured myself into and got stuck inside. I’d been the wife of a CEO, a person who needed to maintain appearances for so long that I’d forgotten how to be young. I wondered whether I’d ever even been young. When all my peers were out making all the mistakes new adults make, I was raising a baby. Vegas had made me feel like I was young again. It was as if I was reliving the youth I’d given up because I was in too big a hurry to grow up.
I just hadn’t expected to regret my attempt to recreate one night of being young and free.
I’d had fun with Trav. He’d made me laugh, and he’d looked after me when I needed it. I’d been scared crossing that stream, but he’d taken charge and shown me I could do it. The sex between us was explosive every time we came together with or without Jacques. I’d genuinely wanted more with him.
It was the same with Jacques this morning. When he’d walked into that bathroom and he’d seen me naked, he’d made me feel beautiful and wanted. He’d made sex about me. We’d both gotten off, but the way he’d taken me there right in front of the mirror was incredible. He lavished me in his touch, and I bloomed under it like a flower reaching up for the sunlight.
Had all of it been tainted? Was everything I experienced just my brain trying to trick myself into thinking I was young and hot and could reel in two gorgeous men? The tenderness in my pussy and ass told me it was real. The sex had happened. Trav was turned on when I’d been with him this afternoon. Jacques was this morning. There was no denying it.
I wanted more of both those experiences.
But not at Lincoln’s expense. He probably didn’t need me to be protective of him, but I couldn’t help it. Cara was the only person who’d said anything to me about her dad cheating. David’s executive assistant, the other managers and even their staff knew he was sleeping around. Not one of them thought about what it would do to me. Lincoln said he was okay with my dating Jacques and Travis, and I believed him, but hurting him like I’d been hurt was the antithesis of who I was as a person.
I heard the sliding door open and close, but I didn’t look up.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Lincoln asked as he rolled up his jeans, sat down, and dipped his feet in the water.
“I was reminiscing about what a mess my whole life has been.” I huffed out a laugh that held no humor and shook my head. “There is so much I regret.”
“Are Jacques and Travis on the list?”
“Yes and no,” I answered. “I certainly regret getting between you guys.”
“You didn’t.”
