Mybreathcaughtasthe back door slammed closed and I heard Rusty’s footsteps. I’d seen his clothes by the front door and knew he’d heard what I’d done. When I didn’t find him in the sunroom, I headed for the shed, but he’d beaten me back to the house. I dashed across the family room just as he turned the corner to enter the kitchen. My heart tripped, beating double time at his slim figure crossing the threshold into the room.
I didn’t slow my steps, throwing myself at him the moment I was close enough. A cloud of fine sawdust billowed from his T-shirt as I wrapped my arms around his shoulders. He smelled of timber and fresh sweat, and I held him tighter, never wanting to let him go again.
“I’m sorry,” I gasped, blinking back tears. “I didn’t mean to cheat—”
“Woah, who said anything about cheating?” he asked, pulling back to meet my gaze.
I dropped my hands to his waist and tugged him closer, eliminating the space between us. Rusty furrowed his brow, his lips turned down as he assessed me. His green eyes were wary but still filled with the warmth I’d always known from him. I didn’t know whether that made things better or worse.
“I got drunk and got married,” I huffed. It was self-explanatory, wasn’t it? I was so fucking ashamed of myself. We’d agreed to an open relationship where Travis and I could sleep with women, but we’d never talked about anything more. Married was a whole lot more. “How is what I did not cheating?”
“You sailed past every boundary we set, but I don’t think you cheated.” Rusty ran his thumb along my cheek tenderly. “We’re in an open relationship. Cheating would be going behind my back, hiding a relationship from me. Intentionally hurting me. You didn’t do that.”
“No, but—"
“What did you think of when you sobered up?” he asked, threading his fingers into my hair and nuzzling my cheek with his temple.
Shame coursed through me again. “Sex,” I whispered and watched as he pulled back and swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat. “I thought of sex. Ihadsex. But then I saw the rings and realized what I’d done. I needed to get home to you. I needed to talk to you. We got on the first flight out of Vegas.”
I rested my forehead against his and breathed him in. “You’re too calm. Why aren’t you angry at me?”
Zeus jumped up, one paw on me and one on Rusty. It was his way of getting a hug when we were giving them. I absently petted his head, knowing he would stick close to Rusty, always loyal to his dad.
Rusty huffed out a laugh, but it didn’t hold any humor. “I heard it on the radio in Travis’s truck a couple of hours ago. I was going to church, but then I had a panic attack. I got scared. Really fucking scared.”
I opened my mouth to apologize again, but he pressed his finger against my lips, silencing me, and Zeus leaned harder against our legs.
Rusty having a panic attack because of me was my worst fear come true. My heart shattered into a million pieces at knowing I’d hurt him and impacted his mental health. My actions were unforgivable, especially when I’d known he was staying home because he didn’t feel strong enough to come with us. My gut rolled. I was responsible for his panic attack. My behavior had triggered it. I wanted to be sick.
“I’m okay,” he continued. “Zeus was with me, and he helped.” He dropped one hand and scratched our pup’s head, giving him a fraction of the loving he deserved. “It wasn’t a bad attack—spiraling thoughts, shortness of breath, that sort of thing.”
My gut sank even more. Fuck me, I wasn’t even here for him. He’d gone through it alone. Thank fuck Zeus was by his side.
He carried on, saying, “The whole time, though, I was worried you weren’t going to come back. I thought we were over.” He shook his head, and his eyes turned glassy before he slipped them closed. On a whisper, he added, “Then I realized you weren’t like that. You’d come back. You’d talk to me. We’d work things out. Even if it meant we were over, we’d still talk about it.”
Self-loathing hit me hard. I’d done that to him—I’d made him second-guess what he meant to me. I’d put those destructive thoughts in his head.
“I don’t want us to be over,” I murmured, praying he wouldn’t insist on it despite what he’d already told me. I wasn’t too proud to beg.
“Neither do I,” he responded and tilted my face to his. He captured my lips in a soft kiss—chaste and gentle—that rocked me to my core. When he pulled back, he added, “But you fucked up.”
“I did,” I agreed, nodding before I dropped my gaze. Shame at how badly I’d fucked everything up coated my insides with toxic, suffocating goo like an oil slick on the ocean.
It was supposed to be an innocent weekend away. I’d shamelessly flirted with Carina—I wanted to make her feel good, and it was teenage me’s dream come true to be able to—but then drunk me had been in charge and made decisions that had wide-reaching consequences. I could handle the shitstorm that was about to erupt with the Seals. My agent was going to have a fit. But none of that mattered when I considered how much I’d hurt the man in front of me. It was the worst of my offences by far.
“When you didn’t answer….”
I snapped my head up and watched as he shook his and his eyes slipped closed. “Christ, I—” Out of everything, that was the last thing I thought he’d be the most upset about. But I should have known better.
“Please don’t do that again,” he murmured. “I get it. You were probably in the air when I called. But I need you to talk to me.”
“I will. Fuck, I… I was in such a rush to get back that I didn’t slow down to think about what it would do to you if you heard the news before we got back. It was inconsiderate and fucking stupid of me. I should have called. I should have told you we were on our way home. I didn’t want you to doubt what you mean to me, but I made you do exactly that.” My explanation fell from my lips as fast as I could formulate it. I hadn’t wanted to tell him over the phone, but I should have. If nothing else, he wouldn’t have been blindsided. “I’m so sorry I hurt you.”
He pressed his lips together in a small smile. “I forgive you.”
I kissed him again, desperately needing to be closer to him. It wasn’t sexual, but I did need him. I slid my hands up under his shirt and laid my palms on his abs. I moaned, and he spun us around, dislodging Zeus and pushing me up against the counter. He deepened our kiss. His grip was sure as he took what he needed and left me spinning. When we finally broke apart, I gasped for breath, and Rusty reached down to adjust himself. I groaned and rested my forehead against his once more.
Laughter sounded outside, and Carina immediately popped into my mind. It was as if Rusty and I were thinking the same thing when he said, “I’m guessing the beauty outside is Carina.”
