“Good pup,” I reiterated, unable to say much more. I needed to talk to them, but first I needed to get my emotions under control. Swinging from panic to frustration and fear without being able to catch a breath was going to make me pass out.
“Come,” I commanded quietly as I headed for the sunroom, using the wall for support. My yoga mat was spread out on one side of the light-filled room, Zeus’s bed right next to it. But he didn’t climb on. He stayed close, always touching me.
I slumped onto my mat, and Zeus laid across my legs, one hundred pounds of Staffy acting like a weighted blanket.
I sucked in a lungful of air, finally able to breathe. But all it did was raise all my fears again.
Was Jacques coming back? Was Travis?Insecurity plagued me. My mind raced, conjuring up every worst-case scenario. But there was really only one—one or both never came back.
I needed to center myself, to work off the disquiet that had burrowed inside me. I needed to slow my heart rate and even out my breathing. I started counting backward again, but my mind jumped straight back to Jacques and Travis.
Sex between us was incredible—hot, rough, and tender. Travis and Jacques loved being with women too. It had been a while since they’d indulged, but I would never stop them. I wanted them to have everything they enjoyed, and it had the added bonus of keeping the media off Jacques’s tail.
Butmarriage?
I’d assumed we’d always be together. Jacques getting married to Carina likely meant the end of us. A wedding meant monogamy. It meant staying faithful to your spouse—Carina. Where did that leave me? Would Jacques walk away? Would Travis and I stay together? Could our relationship survive it?
I could share—I did share—but what if Jacques didn’t want that anymore? They were supposed to come home tomorrow. Were they still coming? Or were they going to jet off somewhere for an impromptu honeymoon?
I hadn’t even heard from them. Was that a cue, a hint? Was I supposed to make myself scarce? Did she even know about me? About us?
The thoughts were running through my head at warp speed. It was like the intro song toThe Big Bang Theory—images flashing before my eyes at a million miles a minute. I couldn’t keep up. My chest tightened again, and my hands shook. I dropped my phone to the floor.
It landed face up, and I swiped it open. Hearing their voices would help. It always did. I rang Jacques, but the call went straight to voicemail. He’d turned it off. Travis had done the same. My gut sank.
We rarely called each other. They knew I wouldn’t telephone them unless it was an emergency. They’d better have a good excuse for not answering. They’d better call me back.
They will.
At least I hoped they would.
Zeus shifted, sitting up and using my leg as a paw-rest. He had no concept of personal space, and I wrapped my arms around his muscly body and held him close. He licked my cheek, and I held him tighter, listening to the steady beat of his heart.
He leaned against me, letting his weight drop until I was fully supporting him. It was exactly what I needed.
“You always make me feel better,” I whispered. I loosened my grip and petted his back, then scratched behind his ears. It earned me more licks.
I inhaled slowly, holding it for a three count, then exhaled. I tensed every muscle in my body, then conscientiously relaxed each one from my scalp all the way to my toes. I breathed in and out, petting Zeus the whole time. I concentrated on the blue of his hairs, and the way his own muscles tensed and released when I scratched him in a spot he loved.
When Zeus sensed I was calm enough, he shifted and stretched out on the mat next to me, rolling onto his back so I could scratch his belly. He was spoiled rotten, but he was worth it.
I worked my way through a seated yoga session, rarely taking my hand away from Zeus. I stretched and held each of the more and more complex poses until my muscles shook. I gradually came back to myself. My thoughts slowed and turned from dark and foreboding to something lighter. Stronger too.
I needed to focus on the positives, the certainties of how our relationship worked. I needed to expel the negative energy and focus on us. All I knew was that I wasn’t giving them up without a fight.I’d understand if Jacques wanted to end things between us. I’d hate it, I’d be fucking crushed, but I’d understand. He was still in the closet after all these years. I wanted more, but I didn’t have a way to get it until Jacques came out. Maybe not even then given we hadn’t told Jacques’s parents because of Travis. He’d begged Jacques not to risk their disapproval.
I just needed to talk to them. Whatever the future held, I knew that if I could get them to talk to me about it, we’d be okay. We didn’t play games with one another. We communicated. We didn’t leave the others hanging. Until now. But I had to take it as an exception rather than the new state of being.
I was exhausted in an agitated kind of way. I needed to create to remind myself that there was beauty in the world—inmyworld. I dressed and slipped on my steel-capped boots before making my way over to my shed. Zeus was on my tail the whole time.
I flicked on the overhead lights and went to my latest creation, a six-foot long and three-foot wide tree trunk that I’d turned to create an amphora-style pot, minus the handles. The timber was full of knots and color variations ranging from blond to the deepest mahogany. Once I applied the wax, it would be stunning. It was already one of my favorite pieces.
I picked a fine grade sandpaper and sat before the pot, losing myself in the repetitive task of smoothing every small bump.
My hands were cramped when I heard the car roll up into the drive. I shook them out and stretched out my neck and back. I was stiff from being hunched over, but panic attacks—even mild ones—always left me achy. I walked to the shed door, watching as Jacques flew out of the car, leaving his passengers in it, and raced inside the house. My heart tripped, beating harder and faster with the knowledge that he’d come back to me.
twelve
Jacques
