"Okay," she whispers.
"I'll tell you a few things. They may scare you. You may not be ready to hear them, but…" I exhale, choosing my words carefully. "I want to marry you. I want you to be my wife. I want to belong to you in every way there is. I'm not sure about kids. But I do think Reninho…" I pause again. "He should know his mother."
"She died. Pugli murdered her."
"No,” I answer, tapping her nose. "He didn't. He deserves to know you. How that looks, I'm not sure. But you're his mother. Beatriz was his mom. She loved him. She gave him the life you wanted him to have—safe, innocent. She's gone now, but he still has you. He just…he doesn't know you, yet."
Her eyes fill with tears and she blinks them away, only to have more take their place. "Ren, god. I…fuck. Fuck!" She covers her face with her hands.
I wrest them away, dip down to kiss her tears. "Don't hide,meu amor."
"I don't know," she whispers. "I don't know. I carried him and I gave birth to him, but…that part of my life seems like a dream…a nightmare, honestly, sort of fuzzy and half-remembered, mainly because I want to forget it. I don't want to remember. I…I don't feel like his mother. I don't…I don't knowhow tobea mother. I don't remember my own since she died when I was so young. What do I know about children, Lorenzo?"
I brush her cheek with the backs of my fingers. "Sophia, darling…I don't thinkanyoneknowsanythingabout raising kids. Everyone is just sort of doing their best and making it up as they go along."
She frowns at me. "That sounds sort of cynical."
I laugh. "It's not! It's hopeful. There's no handbook out there that everyone got except you, Soph. Maybe someone who's raised a bunch of kids already will have some knowledge or advice, but…does it apply evenly to everyone? I don't know—-I don't think so. We’re all different. How someone parents a child is subjective." I rest my forehead against hers. "And I'm not telling you that you should move him in here and have him start calling you Mom. I don't know what you should do about Reninho. I just mean that youarehis mother, and youdohave love to give. It can look however you, or we, want it to look. It doesn't have to be traditional."
She shakes her head. “No, no, no." Rolling away from me, Sophia leaves the bed and goes to the window, breathing in slowly, holding it, and letting out slowly through pursed lips—box breathing, to counteract panic. "It's too much, Ren. Too much too soon. It hasn't even sunk in that Rafael is really dead. That…that it's really over, that I'm really free of that monster." She scrubs her face with one hand, shakes her head again. "I'm really, truly, finally free to make my life look however I want. For the first time in my life, I canchoosemy own future."
I leave the bed and move behind her, frame her with my arms. "Sophia, I only—"
"I know, Ren," she interrupts. "I know what you meant. But you have to understand—as a child, my father determined who I was. I was allowed no input over any aspect of my life. What I wore, who my friends were, where I went, whether or not I wentto school, what I ate, the color of the walls in my room, the cut of my hair—Bruno de Silva decidedeverythingabout me. And then Rafael—as his wife, I had some leeway, of course, but at the end of the day I lived inhisworld. Everyone around me was employed by him and was loyal to him. I was, at best, considered first among equals with the rest of the estate staff. My every movement was watched and reported to him." She clings to my bicep, rests her cheek against it. "Even after I escaped, he still controlled my life to a degree. He was waiting and watching for me to show myself. He never forgot. Never forgave. Never let go. Never stopped looking for me. For Reninho. I couldn't choose my life. I was hostage to him even though I wasn't physically his captive or wife. It is only now that he's dead that I can even really let myself think about…who I am or what I want." She turns in my arms, presses her back to the glass and looks up at me. "I barely know who the fuck I am, Lorenzo. How can I think I could take care of you, be your wife, be Reninho's mother?"
I kiss her temple. “Take care ofme? Soph, I? I don't need you to take care of me.Iam going to take care ofyou.”
"But Ren, you're missing the point. Iwantto. I just…I'm not sure I knowhow." She looks up at me. "I actually feel kind of…adrift. I've spent so long being controlled and afraid and hiding that I don't know who I am."
I pull her against my chest and hug her close. "You have all the time in the world. I am sorry if I overwhelmed you. I just…I suppose I want you to be excited about the future with me, that's all."
She sniffles, sighs. "I will be, Ren. I think I just need some time. There's a lot to process." A long silence. "I would have, back then, you know."
"Would have what, back then?"
"Married you."
"I wonder what our lives would have been, if we had been able to stay together all this time?"
She shakes her head and shrugs. "Who knows? We probably would have been very poor, and we would never have left Brazil." She pulls away enough to look up at me. "I do want to be with you. I want to marry you. Iamexcited about our future together, Lorenzo. I just need time. And, really, I can't marry you until Jakob is back. I owe him so much, and he deserves to be there."
"Of course. I mean, I would marry you right now. Go downtown and have one of those Elvises marry us. Come back here and have a grand party with our friends."
"Family," she corrects.
"Right, yes, family." I kiss the top of her head. "But you are right—Jakob brought us all together. When we marry, he must be there."
She smiles up at me. "You don't mind waiting?"
"Of course not. I have waited for you for years. I have you. That is enough. We can say vows and exchange rings at any time—my love for you and commitment to you will not be changed or lessened."
She rests her head on me again. "I love you so much, Lorenzo Oliveira Araujo."
"And I you, Sophia Bruna Santos de Silva, more than I can ever say."
"Could we…" she hesitates. "Lay down again? I think I would like to try to take a nap."
I laugh, scoop her up in my arms, and carry her to bed. "You're the boss-lady."
