"Maybe not, but it still applies to you. See, you may not be addicted to meth or coke or booze or whatever, but youareaddicted to something else."
Sophia frowns, puzzled. "And that would be what?"
"Thinking the only way for you to be safe is if you push everyone away and keep them away." Towering over her small, slender frame, Chance exudes compassion, resting one giant hand on her shoulder, staring down at her with obvious affection. "Everyone in your life up, until you met Jakob and the rest of us—everyonebetrayed you. Hurt you. You suffered unimaginable pain, emotionally, mentally, and physically. The only way you could survive was to shut everyone out and become hard and cold. It protected you against the world, which you understandably see as brutal and violent and full of pain. I turned to drugs. Annika turned to drugs. Kane turned to booze. The others did like you—built up walls and turned into turtles, living inside their shells and pretending they didn't need or want anyone to ever get close."
Sophia blinks, refusing to meet his gaze. “You're not wrong about that, I suppose. But how is that an addiction?"
"Drugs didn't fix my problems. Booze didn't fix Kane's problems. Isolation didn't fix Solomon's. But even though it was obvious that what we were doing didn't do anything but fuck us up worse, we kept doing it. In my case, it nearly killed me. Isolation may not kill you physically, but it ain't healthy. Andyouareaddicted to it, in a way. Different kind of addiction, but addiction nonetheless."
Scarlett nods. "He's absolutely right, Sophia. I'm still working on it. I have to fight the urge to run all the time—literallyrunfrom how Sol makes me feel. It's fucking scary. I’d rather face a dozen armed tangos with my bare hands than be vulnerable with him, most days.Still. Even though I know down to my goddamn bones that Sol is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Letting him love me is the hardest fucking thing I've ever done. Showing him my broken, shitty, weak, selfish, pathetic self is absolutely terrifying. It would be easier and seem safer, emotionally, to go back to my handler at the CIA and ask to be put back on a team. That's where I'm comfortable. Iknowthat world. I know how to navigate the toxic fraternity bullshit as a woman. I know how to…inoculate myself, I guess, from the guilt of doing morally gray shit for morally gray reasons. Just obeying orders, right? I know how to pretend I'm okay with going back to barracks alone, or a cold empty apartment, alone."
Sophia turns away, shoulders rising and falling rapidly as her breathing comes fast and ragged. "Stop—just—just stop."
Scarlett circles Sophia and grabs her face with rough affection, refusing to let Sophia hide. "No, hon, I won't stop.Every fucking day, multiple times a day, I have to let Sol see therealme, broken and fucked up and scared and drowning in PTSD. It feels like standing in front of a firing squad without a blindfold, Soph. But I'll tell you this: it's worth it. Because Solgetsit. He getsme. When I try and fail to be open for him, he doesn't get mad. He gives me space to figure it out. He loves me. He accepts me. And nothing—nothingin this world feels better than letting someone see the worst of you and being totally loved anyway. It's better than any high, better than any win, betterthan sex, better than medals or money or whatever else there is in the world."
Annika moves up beside Scarlett, and Naomi takes the other side. "You think you're not sweet or whatever because you've never felt safe enough to let yourselfbesweet," Annika says.
"Same with kindness or displays of affection,” Scarlett says. "It feels like weakness to be those things because in the life you've lived up until recently, they were. But they're not anymore."
Naomi leans forward and kisses Sophia on the cheek, softly, sweetly. "That's where Chance is right about addiction. You're not addicted to a chemical, you're addicted to thinking the only way to survive is being tough and alone. And that's just not true anymore. What we’re saying is that it will take time and consistent effort to move past that."
Sophia nods, letting out a shaky breath. "You're all right. I know you are." She turns to me. "All I can promise you, Ren, is that I'll try. I do love you. I do want a life with you. I don't have a clue what that's gonna look like, but I want it with you, whatever it looks like and however we get there."
A burden falls from my shoulders, a weight sloughing off my back. I pull her into my arms and crush her against my chest. "That's all I want, Soph. It's all I care about. Let me love you. Let me see the real you. I don't care what comes next, as long as it’s with you."
She literally, physically seems to soften in my arms. Tips her head back to look up at me, chin on my chest. "God, Ren." A sniff. "You need me to love you, too, though. It's gotta go both ways."
I smile at her. "I absolutely need you to love me. And you do. You will. I'm not worried."
She presses her forehead and nose against my chest, breathing in deeply, holding it, and letting it out slowly. She steps back, and I see her reach a decision. "Let's go home."
17
THIS ENDLESS HEAVEN
INEZ
Rev, Myka, Kane, Anjalee, Chance, Annika, Saxon, Terra, Silas, Naomi, Solomon, Scarlett, Lash, Tatiana, Taj, Toro, Fonz, Lorenzo, and I stand in a wide semi-circle outside Club Sin.
The scene has been cleared. Black and yellow crime scene tape still criss-crosses the opening of the door down to the Arrows' quarters. The grenade caused pretty significant damage, but not as bad as I'd expected—the core structure of the stairwell is intact, but the door was blown off its hinges by the detonation, and the stairs, walls, railings, and drop-tile ceiling are all badly damaged. Some of the infrastructure above the drop-tile has been damaged as well, meaning the quarters are without lights and plumbing for the time being—the plumbing being damaged means flood damage, with water ankle deep throughout the lowest floor. The electricity has been shut off to the whole building. The SUVs have been removed, and the bodies. The side of the club is bullet-riddled, as is the interior.
"It's a fuckin' miracle you all made it out alive," Rev says. "Fuckin'thirtyof 'em? And it was just thefiveof you?"
Lorenzo and I share a look. Ren nods. "They came in arrogant. They expected the women to be alone andunprotected. Figured they would just waltz in, kidnap the girls, and get away clean. They also assumed they'd be backed up by the element that was supposed to have arrived from Mexico, which Sophia and I, um…eliminated."
Rev shakes his head. "Respect, ya'll." He scans the dozens of bullet holes in the side of the club. "So, big-ass fuckin' firefight, automatic gunfire and fuckin' frags and flashbangs…plus we all obviously know about the security footage. How are we not wanted by the cops?"
I shrug. "Jakob has long had an understanding with local law enforcement."
Rev frowns at me. “A look the other way sorta deal?”
I shake my head. "No.” I pause, shrug, tip my head to one side. “Well, sort of. First, the club is one of a very few legal, licensed brothels in the state of Nevada, so that part of the business is unequivocally legal. The understanding is that Jakob, through you seven, enforces rules and laws meant to keep our patrons safe. The girls in Hel are protected. Our clients and customers are safe. And unless we call them, law enforcement leaves us alone to take care of our business our way. In this case, we were defending ourselves. Any footage from the security system will confirm this. The weapons we used are, technically, not legal for civilians to own, but none of us are exactly normal civilians. We are all highly trained professionals. Additionally, the men we killed are all criminals wanted in several countries for a wide range of violent crimes."
Rev laughs. "I see. That's pretty thin reasoning. What it amounts to, far's I see it, is that Jakob shelled out a certain amount of grift, and in return, the law leaves us alone as long as we don't cause problems and keep the people inside the Club safe."
I snort, nodding. "That's about it, Rev. If you would like to contact law enforcement on your own behalf, be my guest, but I would request you leave the rest of us out of it."
Rev chuffs a sarcastic laugh. "Not fuckin' likely. I'm perfectly happy with the arrangement. Just wanted to be sure I understood how shit stands."
