She nods. "That's okay. We have all the time you need."
I frown. "I thought these things were on an hourly basis? We've been talking for over an hour already. I'm sure you have other clients."
She smiles, shaking her head. "Well, for one, I'm not charging you. I provide counseling to trauma victims for freeafter the event because they need it. Not to make money off of them. I've blocked off the whole day, Noelle. I'm here for as long as you need me."
"God, really?” She just nods, and I sniffle. "That's amazing. Thank you so much."
She just smiles. "We all do what we can, don’t we? This is something I can do." She clicks the pen again. "So. Your last relationship."
I tell her about Brennan, our courtship, the expectations placed on us by our parents, and then on me by Brennan. Our marriage—how unhappy I was even if I didn’t realize it until after the fact. His infidelity, how I discovered it, and my reaction. Leaving him. Its effect on my faith, and on my sexuality, and on my belief and trust in love.
As it all pours out of me, guided and prompted and nudged along by probing, carefully crafted questions, I find myself admitting things I hadn't even realized myself:
That I had—or have—hangups about sex.
That I struggled with being able to trust myself, and anyone else.
I realize that while I trust Bear on pretty much every level, I've held a certain part of myself back from him. I know I love him, but I've still held back. I haven't told him how I feel. I need him—especially lately, after what happened. I can't imagine life without him, now.
But what Brennan did, along with the beliefs I had drilled into me as a child and teenager…all of that left with me a deeply rooted distrust in and resistance to allowing Bear all the way into my heart.
Which is why I’ve held back from being fully intimate with him, Britt explains. Because there was such a strict emphasis placed on sex, compounded by Brennan's betrayal, even though I am attracted to Bear and feel comfortable allowing us to dosome things together, I've been holding back out of fear. And for me, sex and love are inextricably linked.
I sit in silence, stunned. "How did I not know any of this about myself?" I ask.
Britt flips her pen around her middle finger. "It's not uncommon. We don’t like to examine this kind of thing in ourselves. And when it's so deeply rooted in our childhood and adolescent years, it's even harder to see."
I nod, thinking. "So…what do I do?"
"About?" Britt asks.
"Bear. Our relationship." I swallow hard. "Sex."
She smiles gently. "Give yourself time. Talk to him. He’s waited this long, right? He hasn't pressured you?"
"No!" I say, a quick outburst of a word. "Not at all."
"Then I have a feeling, considering how supportive you say he's been throughout this whole experience, he’ll be understanding.” She pauses a moment. "Do you want to move forward with that aspect of your relationship? Do you want to have sex with him?"
There's no question. "Yes. God, yes."
"Then talk to him. Communication is key, Noelle." She pauses as Bear enters the kitchen through the side door, grabs a bottle of water from the fridge, and goes back outside. “Often, especially in men with…shall we say…well-developed instincts for protection, events like this can make them afraid to initiate sex, even if you may be ready—even if youtellhim you are. He’ll be worried he’ll trigger you. And honestly, he may be right. You have to go slow, take things one step at a time, and give yourself grace if you try and find out you’re not ready. Be patient with yourself. Don’t set unrealistic expectations. It doesn’t seem like this is something you’ll have to worry about, but don’t let him place any expectations on you, either."
We talk about this a little more, and other things—picking apart how my upbringing may have colored my view of sex, and how I can move past that.
Eventually, after more than three hours, the conversation winds down.
“Well, Noelle, I feel like you've made a lot of very important progress today. Would you agree?" Britt asks.
I nod eagerly. "Oh yes, very much so. I can't thank you enough, Britt."
Her smile is bright and warm. "Absolutely—my pleasure. You have my card—please call me anytime. And understand that these things take time, Noelle. It won't be resolved in one conversation. I have room in my schedule—we can get you in for weekly or biweekly appointments. Okay?"
She stands up and gathers her things. She embraces me and takes her leave. Once she’s gone, Bear enters hesitantly.
"Hey," he says. "How'd that go? You guys talked awhile."
I go to him and wrap my arms around his middle. "It was so good, Bear. So good. I have to find a way to thank Sheriff Mannix for sending her to me." I put my chin on his chest and look up at him. "Thanks for giving me that time."
