"That's totally normal and understandable," she assures me. "It's good you have a loving and supportive boyfriend."
I realize he is my boyfriend only when she says that—we never talked about it or put labels on things. But I realize I like it.
"I really do." I reach down and scratch Panzer's ears. "Two of them."
Britt laughs, her gaze searching me as the laughter subsides to professionally assessing concern. "So, Noelle. How are you feeling about things?"
I sigh, considering. "I…I'm not sure. Mixed up, I guess. I'm having nightmares every night. I couldn't even leave the house until just the other day. I couldn’t handle seeing anyone but Bear—not my family, not my best friends, no one.” I swallow hard, a hot lump forming in my throat. "I…I feel sort of…guilty?” It comes out as a question.
Britt hands me the box of Kleenex from the coffee table. "Guilty about what?"
"I mean…" I try to swallow but can't. My words tumble out, hesitant and awkward and stilted. "I just—nothing—nothing happened. You know? Like…yeah, he hit me. Hurt me. Threatened me. He would've…he was going to—but he didn't."
"The more you avoid the words you fear most, the more power you give them, Noelle," Britt says, her voice low and smooth and comforting.
"Duane didn't rape me." A sob escapes. "And I…I feel like I shouldn't be so…so upset. Like, nothing happened. But I'm…I'm reacting like it did."
Britt toes off her shoes and tucks her feet under her thighs. "Noelle, somethingdidhappen. You wereattacked. Your attacker may not have sexually penetrated you, but it was sexualassault all the same. He violated your autonomy. He took away your choices. He hurt you." Her eyes go to my throat, to the scabbed-over cut. "Will you tell me what happened?"
I recount the assault for her, hesitantly at first, and I have to pause a few times to catch my breath as sobs rip through me. I go through piles of Kleenex. When I start crying and shaking, Panzer sits up and burrows his head onto my lap, and I curl around him, rocking as I work through the event for Britt.
By the time I'm done, I do feel lighter.
Britt spends a few moments thinking when I'm done. "What you experienced, Noelle, was a horrific and traumatizing event. You absolutely shouldnotfeel as if you're not allowed to be traumatized by it just because it wasn’t fully rape. It was still sexual assault, full stop. No matter what you may be feeling, it's valid. The first thing you need to do is give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel."
I nod, sniffling, dabbing my nose as I scratch Panzer's ears. "I guess that makes sense."
She gestures at Panzer. "Use him. He's clearly very empathetic, and he obviously brings you comfort. Let him.” She smiles as the dog nuzzles my palm before settling onto my lap again. “I’m not a vet, obviously, but I think the experience was hard for him, too. Not being able to get to you? For a dog bred and trained to protect, he probably feels some canine version of guilt that he couldn’t get to you sooner."
Tears start again as I realize how right she is, and it makes sense of why he's been so clingy ever since. I curl over him, kissing his fuzzy forehead. "It wasn't your fault, buddy. You saved me, didn't you?" He whines in his throat. "Yes, you did. You're the best boy, Panzer."
Britt clears her throat, and I focus on her again. "Where are you with Bear?"
I frown. "What do you mean?"
"I mean in terms of your relationship. Events like this can have an impact on romantic relationships, especially newer ones."
"Oh.” I shrug. "He’s been amazing. He takes such good care of me."
"But you, Noelle—how areyoufeeling about things?"
I sigh, allowing myself to fully examine my feelings for the first time. "Conflicted, I guess. Or…maybe confused is a better word."
"How so?" she asks. "Why? Can you explain?"
I shrug. "I…well…" I shake my head. "It's a lot. And it's not all necessarily to do with the…with my assault." It's a little less hard to put the words to what happened now. “We, um…I don’t know how relevant this is, but we actually haven't…um…been intimate."
She frowns a little. "So it's really new, then."
I shrug and nod. "Yeah, I guess. I mean, no, not really. We've been together, sort of, for several months."
"But you haven’t had sex?"
I shake my head. "Not yet, no. We’ve done…other things a few times, but we haven’t had sex yet.”
"Itisrelevant, Noelle. Would you mind elaborating a little?" She has a yellow legal pad and a pen and has been taking notes while I talk. Now, she clicks the pen to retract the point and focuses on me.
"I'd have to go back and explain my previous relationship for it to make sense,” I say.
