“Maybe it’s time to start learning new strategies, then.” He smiled. “You can practice on me.”
“Why?”
He rolled prosciutto up with a slice of cheese. “Because you’re better than that. You’re worth more than that.”
“Says you.”
“Yeah, says me.” He handed me the rolled-up cheese and meat. “Would you agree I know you as well as if not better than anyone else?”
I ate it, not looking at him. I nodded, eyes downcast. “Yeah, at least as well as anyone else I know. Weird, considering how brief a time I’ve known you.”
“But we’ve spent every single moment of that time together, waking and sleeping.”
“You say you know what you’re talking about when you tell me I have to face my demons.”
“Because I do.” He paired cheese with a strawberry. “I’ve got my own demons, and I’ve had to face them so I can be a whole person.”
“Like?”
He sighed. “This is what you call being open and vulnerable, so pay attention.” A pause to chew and to think. “My mother abandoned me. Gave me mommy issues. Trust with women issues. Why do you think I’ve never had a real relationship? I don’t trust women to care, to stay, to be trustworthy, because the one who should have, didn’t. I already told you the closest I ever got to a real relationship with a girl was Britt Aubrey, and I know she wanted it to be something. She said as much. It freaked me out. I ran so fast I left tire tracks. It just scared me. She wanted more. She wanted it to be something besides a hookup at a festival. I was honest and said I didn’t think I was ready for that, and it wouldn’t be fair of me to pretend I was, because I didn’t want to hurt her. But the reality—the truth was, I was too chicken back then to face—that Ididwant more with her, but I didn’t trust her. Didn’t trust her motives. Didn’t trust that if I put my heart into something with her, that she wouldn’t crush it when she got sick of me, like my mom did.”
I wasn’t sure what to say to that, so I said nothing, just listened.
Also, why did my heart feel weird at the knowledge that he’d been in love with Britt Aubrey? Why did that make my stomach flip? Why did I not like the idea of him wanting something with someone else that he claimed to want with me?
“I loved my dad and my grandpa, but I didn’t exactly have a normal or stable childhood. I’m more at home in a dive bar than I am a house. I’ve never had a home. Dad rented an apartment month to month when he wasn’t touring, and when he went on tour, he let the apartment go and we lived in his van. And then I lived with Crow, but that wasn’t really my home. And even then there was a lot of moving around. I’ve always just been a vagabond, you know? So that’s issue number two—I got no clue what a home is.” He let a silence breathe between us. “I don’t trust women, I don’t understand love and don’t know what it’s supposed to look like, and I ain’t ever had a real home. Grew up wandering and ain’t ever stopped, and I ain’t sure I know how. Those are my demons.” He fed me a blueberry. “I’m choosing to trust you, which, I gotta be honest, you’re not makin’ easy. I’m choosing to believe that loving you will be worth it, that I can figurehowto love you, and what that looks like. An’ if you and me can figure this thing out and our future takes us to a point where we’re ready to decide on a home, I’ll figure that out too. It’s all scary as hell, Lex—but to me, you’re worth the risk.”
“What if I’m not?” I whispered.
“My decision, and I think you are.” He held my gaze. “Make no mistake—you have the power to totally crush my heart, Lexie. But I’ll take that risk.”
I blinked hard. “Don’t put that on me.”
A laugh. “Too late, sweetheart. It already is.”
I shot to my feet and stalked away, around to the backside of the hut, facing the island. I breathed hard. His heart…was in my hands. He couldn’t have been any more open or direct about that.
If I didn’t have the courage to deal with my shit, to become the woman he needed and wanted me to be so I could love him…I’d crush his heart.
Fucking enormous burden. Thanks, Myles.
I heard and felt him behind me. He didn’t say anything, just stood and waited.
“This is a fucking lot for day one, Myles.”
He sighed. “Yeah, you’re right. Let’s just take today and shelve the whole conversation.”
“And do what?” I asked.
“I can think of a few things,” he said, smirking.
My instinct was to reach for him, but I didn’t. I couldn’t even smile. “Normally I’d be all over that. But…you’re right. We have to—Ihave to tackle the shit I’ve been avoiding for years. And I can’t do that if I’m letting you distract me with sex.”
He chuckled. “Ifyouletmedistract you with sex?”
I gestured at him. “You, all naked and sexy and tempting and coming at me with innuendos.” I sighed, rubbing my face with both hands. “Just don’t even know where to start.”
“Today, you relax. Swim. Read a book—there’s a shelf of paperbacks in there, and I brought my e-reader which has all sorts of stuff downloaded on it. There’s a basket of assorted magazines in the bathroom, too.” He gestured at the island. “We can swim over there and explore the island. Or you can just sit and do not a damn thing at all. Sun yourself. Get a tan. Sleep.”
