“No, thank you,” Jane replied, her voice sounding as if it was coming from very far away.
She turned, the room growing a little blurry. Her mind became dizzy, but she would not faint. She would get to her room and shut the door, and she could shut out the world with it. She pressed her hand to the doorjamb to keep her steady, and then she took her first steps out into the passage.
***
Jane did not have to send for Margaret to know that she would come. In a few hours, there was a soft knock at the door, and a maid came to announce that Lady Margaret had arrived.
“Send her in,” Jane told her. Margaret rushed into the room, the paper in her fist, an angry face at the ready.
Her curls were bouncing her fury. “How dare he?” Margaret cried, pacing around in front of the fire. “It is enough to sicken me,” she said, continuing to pace, but she paused to turn to Jane, who was still tucked under her covers in bed.
“Dear Jane, my friend Jane, are you alright? I am outraged for you, and I wish there was something I could do to help you. I know this is so much worse after what you told me yesterday.”
Jane let out a long sigh. She threw the covers from her legs, and she slid out of bed, going to the window, and looking down on the street below. The world had not ended, even though in some ways it felt as if her own had. But everyone else would go on just as they had.
She turned to Margaret with a weak smile. “It seems I am a poor judge of character, old friend. It is a lesson that I will take forever with me wherever I go.” She lifted her chin. She had spent many hours wallowing in her sadness, but she would not any longer. No longer would she play the fool or let Nathaniel think that he had won.
“Perhaps, Jane,” Margaret said, coming a little closer. “You could take a little time and travel away from London for a couple of weeks until everything blows over. Soon enough, there will be another scandal to take over the scandal sheets. There always is.”
“No,” Jane said, determination in her tone. “I have been opposed to joining society ever since I was young with my travel desires so deeply seated in my heart. And even though I've been forced to join it, I will not let it dictate my life or my happiness. There is a ball this evening; I saw the invitation a couple of days ago. Lady Danver’s ball. I will go and show the world that I do not need Lord Nathaniel Balwood to be happy.”
Margaret's mouth fell open. “By God, you are an empress, Jane! A fierce goddess! To be so bold as to go where those dare not tread! To a ton ball after all that’s been in the scandal sheets. Incredible. I commend you.” Margaret curtsied.
Jane let out a small laugh, and she turned back to the window. The world did not stop with her sadness, and she would not hide away from it. It was time to face it all.
Chapter 35
Nathaniel went to his sideboard and poured himself a whiskey. It seemed in the past hour his mother had not stopped talking to him. Emily was there too, and they all sat together in the study, not one big, happy family.
He couldn't believe it. The scandal sheets had come out that very morning. It seemed someone had overheard him at White’s spilling the truth to Thomas and decided to give the information to the newspapers for some unknown reason.
Who could be so terribly cruel as to drag two ladies’ names through the mud?
Nathaniel tried to wrack his brain for people who might think of him as enemies, but he had none. It was enough to drive a man mad.
“Did you tell anyone of your plans, Nathaniel? Someone who has betrayed you and put the truth in the papers? Someone who wishes to benefit from our demise?” His mother asked him desperately.
He could have sworn she’d asked him that already so many times, but perhaps she hadn’t. Or perhaps he hadn’t given a satisfactory answer. He didn’t know. Nathaniel rubbed a handthrough his hair and took a sip from the whisky before he slowly turned around.
Emily was pale, sitting in a chair, not saying anything but staring into the fire in the grate. His mother's cheeks were red from irritation and nervousness, and she was wringing her hands, unable to sit.
“I've told no one but my dear friend Thomas, whom we all knew would never say anything. I told him yesterday as well as explained mytruefeelings for Lady Jane.”
“Oh dear,” his mother said, waving a hand in front of her face and starting to pace. “We are ruined. There is a ball this evening and yet, can we go? Emily’s season is surely ruined as well.
“I do not care about that,” Emily said suddenly, her tone sharp. “I am only angry that my own family did not tell me the state they were in, instead, spending lavish money on my coming-out.”
His mother started to cry. “You know you must make a good marriage. We wanted to keep you safe from all this. What good would it have done for us to tell you of such terrible things? It is hard enough that your father is ill, and I know the stresses of having your first season,” their mother said through her tears.
Emily began to cry too, but her tears were of fury. “I am not a child any longer, Mother. I should have been told. But you mustnot think for one second that Thomas betrayed Nathaniel. He is a good man.”
His mother said nothing, but he knew what she was thinking. Nathaniel sipped again. The house was in turmoil while his father lay ill upstairs in bed, avoiding it all. He knew it was wrong, but in so many ways, he wished he could rouse his father by shaking him and yelling at him, blaming him for everything that had come to pass in their family. Would it ever be repaired again?
“I will set things right, Mother. We are not ruined. It only appears unseemly. We are not the only noble family whose financial state is in tatters, I can assure you. We will still be invited to balls, and there is one tonight, as you said.”
His mother dabbed at her cheeks with a handkerchief. “Yes, Lady Danver’s ball,” she said shakily, still wringing her hands. “I have said yes to the invitation, and Emily's dress is ready.”
“Then it is important that we go and show that we are not cowed by the gossip column. There have been many families whose names are mentioned in the scandal sheets, and they still appear at social functions. Surely something will come to replace our little scandal soon enough.”
