“Darren. No, not yet. I’m not sure that I should.”
“That’s… Why wouldn’t you tell your mate, Thomas?” Doc’s calm voice made me pull my feet underneath me in my chair. Talking to him was like therapy sometimes.
“The same reasons I tried to stay away from him at first, Doc. I don’t want to ruin his life. I don’t want to trap him in something he’s not ready for. I mean… Shit… Am I even ready for this? I don’t know.” There it was. The thing I didn’t want to admit to myself. “I’m so fucking scared.” I sobbed.
“Take a deep breath, Thomas. This is… It’s going to be alright, kiddo. You aren’t in this alone, you know. That’s what fate has done for you. It’s given you someone that will always be there for you – always. I’d think that Darren would want to know. I would. I bet he’ll be happy about it.”
I chuckled as I wiped the tears from my face. Crying and laughing at the same time hurt. “He’ll take it in stride, Doc. He’ll do whatever he has to, so it will be fine. I know that. But we’ve talked about this, and he agreed that it would be better to wait for us to have a baby. His parents will lose their fucking minds, I think.” That thought had kept me up at night. Having to face his mother and father after our last conversation about waiting… It was a mistake. A stupid mistake.
“So, is this about them or you and Darren?”
“Both, I guess. I just don’t know what to do. Do I tell him, and if I do, I know what will happen. We’ll become parents, and he’ll shoulder his part of the responsibility as he tries to captain the soccer team and finish school – or he’ll think he needs to stop school and take care of us.” I sniffled. “I’m… torn, Doc.”
“What’s the alternative, Thomas? You can’t keep this a secret forever. Eventually, he’s going to know. I’m surprised he doesn’t already.”
“I’m not showing, and I never brought up that my last heat never came, so…”
“Alright.”
I forced the words from the dark place they had hidden in my thoughts. “I could not have it and never tell him, Doc. In my brain – it seems so simple and the right choice. But my heart… My heart tells me the opposite. My soul tells me that I want to be a father, and I want to be a father right now to this… little monster that has made me start eating anchovies on barbecue pizza.” I sounded so pathetic. I felt it too.
Doc sighed. “When I first met you, Thomas – one of the things I noticed first about you was how big your heart was. Your capacity to love and care is something that I have always admired about you. When you first met Darren, it was your head that drove the ship. Fight or flight - and your head said one thing and your heart another. Which did you listen to in the end?”
“My heart,” I whined.
“I think you know the answer. I just think you’re just terrified, kid. But you’ve been fated to someone that will ride and die with you to the end. It’s the way you both were created.”
“So, I should tell him?” I sat up and leaned against my desk to stop the rumbling in my stomach that I knew wasn’t gas.
“I’m not saying that. I can’t tell you what to do, Thomas. This is a decision that you have to make. Sorry, but that’s the way it has to be. You are the one that would have to live with this secret for the rest of your life. I’m just telling you to listen. The essence of who you are – your heart, your soul, and your brain, will eventually tell you all you need to know.”
“How are you so wise, Doc?” I whispered.
“Trust me, I have no idea. Besides, dealing with your problems takes me away from my own.” His voice sounded heavy. “If it were me. I think I would tell him. But it’s your body, Thomas. The decision is yours.”
I wished I could say that he helped me feel better. I mean, he did in many ways – but I had a big decision to make. I now needed to decide if I had to make it alone or not. It wasn’t just me I was thinking about. It was Darren too. He was young, and did he even really know what was best for him?
But was that my decision to make?
My head spun, and my heart hurt.
I just had to find the balls to do what I knew I needed to. What I truly wanted to.
I already loved more than I had ever dreamed.
But I knew my heart had already expanded.
I just needed to get to the end of the semester. If I could do that – I would know what it was I should really do.
15
DARREN
It has been a very strange couple of weeks. Thomas has been acting strange and distant, and when I ask him about it, he just says that he has a lot going on at work and I shouldn’t be worried about him.
He’s not making it that easy.
I’m worried. As we cuddle in my bed or on my couch, I feel him slipping away to somewhere else. I try to get him to talk, and he just kisses me and tells me that it’ll be alright. He just has stuff going on, and he has to work it out on his own.
