I didn’t know anything.
That summer, a couple of weeks after we graduated, he told me he was leaving. I thought that meant we could finally be together.
I was a damn fool.
He told me that it had all been an experiment and that it had meant nothing to him. He called me names and hit me, his class ring ripping into my cheek. A scar I still have to this day. The names he called me were the worst. The disdain and disgust he made me feel for myself. The anguish of knowing that I wasn’t worthy to him.
I wasn’t thinking. I know that now. He had turned me into a victim, and his mind games had broken me. I didn’t really want to die. I know that now. I just needed someone to help me, and this was the only way I knew how at that time. I was broken.
It took me months to come back to myself. I had to beg my parents to let me start school in the fall. It was all I had. The counselors had helped me to see over the summer that what had happened to me wasn’t really my fault. I was a victim of someone who used me for their pleasure, sexual, and mental.
The power he must have felt. My subservience, my groveling like a dog for the scraps of affection he threw my way, makes me sick now.
I will never be that person again.
When Mason crossed that table tonight. I went right back to the person I was.
Now, I had to figure out what that meant.
I didn’t see him that weekend. I made up an excuse and told him I would see him on Monday. I avoided Chad and Mike. I ignored texts from Gina, Billy, and Gwen.
When Monday came, I didn’t have an excuse.
It was my job, and Mason had to pass his test. As I walked down the stairs and saw him sitting at the table waiting for me in a sleeveless shirt and gym shorts, my heart started thumping out of my damn chest. I was into him. I couldn’t deny it.
All weekend long, I thought about him and the possibility of us.
I was tired of hiding. Hopefully, he was too. Because I would never go back to that again.
Mason had to show me that he was different from Eric. He had to show me that we could live in the night and not hide in the darkness. What saved the possibility of there being an us, was that kiss. It wasn’t demanding and needful. It was hopeful.
It was in public.
That made me think that maybe I should see where this goes. I was tired of being alone, and hell the dozen times I masturbated thinking about that damn kiss…
I didn’t see how I had a choice. I owed it to myself and that pathetic boy I was to see where this might lead.
I cleared my throat as I approached the table, and he turned his head to stare at me. He had dark circles under his eyes. It looks like he was thinking about what happened all weekend too.
“Hi Mason,” I said cheerfully as if there wasn’t a raging vent of emotion threatening to break free.
He stood up and flailed his hands for a second, trying to decide what to do. I walked over and hugged him. He put his arms around me and sighed, his nose tickling the top of my head.
“I was scared you weren’t going to show up,” he said under his breath.
“Dude, I need my paycheck,” I laughed lowly. “I pay my own way through school, you know.” I let go of him and stepped back. “Hi, Mason… Sorry, I was an ass all weekend. I had a lot to think about.”
“My fault?” he asked, a sly smile pulling at the corners of his mouth. He was an arrogant ass, that was for sure, but there was so much more there. I had seen glimpses, and I wanted to know how deep those glimpses actually were.
“Partially,” I nodded. “But it wasn’t all you. My past… well, let’s just say that I will tell you when we are done studying, okay. Study first, and then we can talk about that kiss.”
“You want to talk about the kiss?” he asked, I swear I could see hope spring into his face. It confused me and delighted me and was going to make actual tutoring a bitch.
“I have many questions. It… was a very nice kiss, if that’s what you’re wondering.” I sat down and set my backpack on the floor, unzipping it and pulling out a quiz. “Did you study over the weekend?”
“Well, I googled the shit out of you. I had no idea that you were a national finalist in debate. Figures…” he shrugged. “I now know to never argue with you.”
“That’s a step in the right direction, I suppose.” His flattery was intoxicating. I could get used to that.
