Calvin
Mason McKendrick kissed me.
What in the actual fuck?
How did I react? Like a twelve-year-old girl after she got her first kiss. I ran away.
I was a total pussy, and I probably ruined everything.
Goddammit…
I could still feel his lips.
I had run out of the car and drove home as quickly as I could. I couldn’t decide if I wanted to burst into tears or transfer colleges. But no matter how hard I analyzed it, I came across the same hypothesis. Mason actually liked me enough to kiss me out in public.
Holy shit.
When I got home, I noticed that Mason had sent a text.
Can we talk? Are you ok? Sorry but not sorry. I’m glad I did it.
I tried to ignore it, but I kept picking my phone back up and reading it again and again.
Fuck… Why was I being an asshole? This was what I had always wanted. What the fuck was wrong with me? I felt sick. Nauseous and feverish. My heart was hammering out of my chest, and my mind was fuzzy and slow.
Maybe I should face the music. Maybe I should let him know how I had always felt. Maybe try not to sound like a crazy stalker, but… I should text him back.
Tmrw? I need to think.
I saw the little dots on my phone as he responded.
As you wish, Calvin.
Fuck. Did he just Princess Bride- me? I placed my hand over my heart as I thought about Mason. He was frustrating, sure. He was a little full of himself, or at least tried to look that way. He was obnoxious most of the time and definitely knew how good looking he was. Hell, he used it to get what he wanted.
He was also kind. And funny… sweet, when he wanted to be. He was complicated, and that was a good thing. And holy shit… he was fucking gorgeous.
I had to stop myself from texting him back and inviting him over. That would be foolish. That would be dangerous. Mason was an unknown, and that scared the shit out of me. I talked a good game with my friends, but there was a reason I didn’t date very often. There was a reason I never let anyone get close in that way.
Eric. The ex that was never really mine.
Fuck, that boy really messed me up. I still held onto the physical and mental scars from him, almost as if I didn’t want to let them go. If I did, I wouldn’t have the excuse of him any longer. I would have to face the facts and realize that I was living in the shadows of my past and scared to step out into the sun.
Eric and I met when we were juniors in high school. He moved here from Indiana and fell in with my friends and me quickly. It was like he had always been a part of our gang, and we had never known he was missing. He and Chad became quick friends as they were both athletes. Eric was a baseball player, and before long, he was our big man on campus. He was tall and lean and smart as a tack. He and I were in all of the AP classes together, and soon, we were study buddies.
He was straight, and he plowed his way through a large swath of girls quickly. I was star struck by him. He had an electricity to him that made you feel more alive when you were in his presence. Mason reminds me of him in many ways. Maybe that was what scared me the most.
I hid my feelings for Eric. There was no reason to let him or anyone else know the raging fires that were tormenting me with every glance or touch from him. When he cast his attention towards me, I felt like I was the most important person in the world. Whenever I saw him giving his attention to someone else, usually a new girl who he chose for a short time, I felt bereft and depressed.
This went on until the summer. Chad and Mike were at some kind of camp for a few weeks, and Eric and I spent all of our time together. One night, he reached over and kissed me while we were watching Netflix in his bedroom. It was tentative at first. But he knew what he was doing. I kissed him back and allowed him to take my virginity that night. We were inseparable all summer.
‘No one can know,’ he would tell me. ‘I mean it, Calvin.’
I believed him. I had known what it felt like to be without him, and I knew I couldn’t stand for it to happen again. So, I stayed silent. I kept our secret. He had girlfriends all throughout our senior year, and I watched them hold hands in the hallways, keeping my mouth shut because I knew that later in the night, he would find me. He usually did. He told me he loved me. He told me that I was the one, and just as soon as we could get out of here, as soon as he could get away from his parents, from the school, and the church, we would be together.
Every day I pined for him, watching him smile and pretending that I was just one of the guys. At night I writhed underneath him and lived for his kisses and caresses. Chad and Mike started to get pissed that I drew away from them. They didn’t know, no one could know, or Eric and I would be over, and I couldn’t allow that. I needed him. I loved him with everything I had. I lost myself in him.
It was a fucking miserable year, with only a few moments of real joy, and those came from my real friends. I didn’t understand that then. I thought it was all Eric. I lived and breathed him until he was all I could think about. I didn’t see how he was controlling me. I didn’t know that he was causing me mental scars that would last for the rest of my life.
