A few minutes later, we were surrounded by the comfort of his apartment. The sounds from the party were still there, but they were muffled. It was something I was used to by now.
He stopped short at the side of the couch. He dropped down onto the arm and pulled me between his legs. His eyes held a hint of concern as he looked up at me.
“Tell me what’s goin’ on, Pet.” His tone was soft but also told me he wasn’t going to let it go.
I let out a short sigh and smoothed my hands down my dress.
“I don’t know,” I told him.
There were things going through my head but I knew I wouldn’t be able to find the words to describe them.
“You overwhelmed?”
I swallowed thickly, my mouth suddenly feeling as dry as brick dust.
“Yes,” I admitted.
“Is it too much?” His eyes spoke the things his statement hadn’t.
He was giving me a chance to walk away. To tell him that I couldn’t handle all of this and that I didn’t think I could be the woman for him.
The thing was, I understood how much his world meant to him.
Until now, I hadn’t really stopped to think about how I would fit in with these people. I never cared. Perhaps, cared wasn’t the right word but I couldn’t tell you what would I have used instead. But I knew that I wanted to be more to Iron than someone that came in and out of his life whenever the need hit me. Perhaps now, I also wanted to be someone that all these people saw as a person they could say they knew. And not in the way that I was known simply by my powerful name.
“Pet?” He sounded patient as he said my name but he also sounded… sad.
“I’m trying, Iron. I am. I don’t know what more you want from me. I came here tonight because I wanted to get to know these people. It is obvious how much they mean to you.”
“But you’re not ready to handle all of this?” he asked and I could tell that I wasn’t explaining it very well.
He wasn’t mad, I could tell. He was trying to understand and be an adult by talking about it. I was good at explaining what I wanted, what I expected from people. And when there was a problem I had to deal with, I confronted it head-on.
But this was different.
With another sigh, this one longer, I turned on my heels and took a few steps away from him.
I needed space. Somehow being so close to him was clouding my brain.
All I had to do was open my mouth and tell him that wasn’t it. That I wanted to be able to handle it but it was too much.
It wasn’t that I didn’t fit in here, not at all. In fact, I knew I had more in common with these people than what was probably healthy. I understood them and I didn’t look down on them for who they were. So this should have been easy. None of us had to hide, yet we didn’t have to voice all of those things either.
But it was hard because I was so used to being on top. That meant that I did a lot on my own. Maybe I’d become too isolated in my world. But then again, it had been a long time since I was normal. Since I felt like I could be easy going around people.
I could make it simple for both of us and simply walk away. He was giving me an out, only I wasn’t so sure that I wanted to take it. I also had no clue how to tell him that.
I heard him rise but I didn’t turn to face him.
“Hands on the counter,” he said, his voice was low and held a deadly edge to it. “Now.”
My spine lengthened and my mind bucked while my body wanted to give in.
“I won’t repeat myself,” he said and I felt him closer now.
My steps were hesitant and the air felt thick around me.
Click.
