The next morning I woke feeling a bit more sluggish than I was used to. I honestly could have rolled over and gone back to sleep for another few hours but I was ready to run from the compound and get back home.
Mouse’s words and actions replayed in my mind as I went into the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth. I might have felt a little hazy but I remembered the entire night quite clearly. He bruised my heart. He did. And I could feel the sadness gripping me tightly. I remembered pushing him away and for the first time, really standing up for myself. I found a broken kind of pride in that. I hated that it was Mouse that I’d had to stand up like that to. But I refused to let him do that to me. One minute he was spouting words about how I didn’t know what I was feeling and that I was just holding on to a girlish dream, and the next, he looked terrified and was crushing me into his chest.
Oh, how crazy the night had been.
A birthday I wouldn’t forget, that was for sure.
I still couldn’t believe that I was twenty now.
Then the images of him touching me flooded my head. I could almost hear my own voice as I practically begged him to keep going. Well, there was no practically about it. I had been shameless and couldn’t even think of anything else at that moment because the more he touched me, the more I felt alive. How could one man make me feel so good and cherished one minute and then tell me it didn’t mean anything the next? I didn’t understand what was going on in his head and I suspected that I wouldn’t unless he told me.
There were many talks with Dr. Walsher about what had happened to me. Many, many talks. Though I hated reliving it, I was smart enough to understand that I couldn’t move forward with my life unless I got it all out and worked through the mess in my head.
I didn’t know what was happening to me when Timothy took me to his bed. All I knew was that it was an honor to be chosen. I was a girl and it made me feel like I was special for some reason. That feeling didn’t last long. Each time he took me to bed, the more the special feeling slipped away. I didn’t know that it was wrong at the time because I’d grown up being taught that it was the right way. That it was what I was supposed to do.
Dr. Walsher helped me to see that what I felt in my heart was really the right thing. I knew that what was happening to me was wrong but it wasn’t like I could do anything about it. I thought it was me, that maybe I wasn’t truly worthy of what I’d been chosen for. The fear that I’d be cast aside if anyone found out the mistake was the reason I kept my mouth shut and held on.
While I knew I would never forget how it made me feel, I’d learned that I could move on from it.
I had a right to not want a man’s touch. As a human, a person, it was okay for me to stand up and sayno. She also taught me that it was okay to sayyestoo. It was okay to have feelings and wants and desires.
I’d never said yes before.
I’d never really held such crazy driven desires before.
But I did last night.
I wanted my Malcolm to touch me. I wanted him to show me what it was like to feel good and not be ashamed. I trusted him not to hurt me or take me without any care. The thing was, I’d been right. He might have acted a little off, I guessed that was from the smell of alcohol on his breath, but he seemed like he was desperate to touch me just as much as I craved him to.
I knew I wasn’t alone in my feelings.
Then it was like he became scared.
He lied to me. I knew he had.
Sure I was sheltered and still pretty clueless about a lot of things, but not that. When he looked at me, it was like he was opening up his soul to mine. There was something between us and I knew it would take time to grow and blossom into something that would be.
That was until he lied to me. That moment it became clear that he’d cut the life from our spark. He stopped breathing air into us and I had no idea why. So he had been right. I had feelings for a man that wasn’t real, at least not anymore.
No matter how much he wished he could take those words back, I wasn’t going to roll over and let him. That was, if he did want to take them back. The crushing embrace he held me in made me think that he might.
As I drove back home, I told myself I was going to do my best to let it go. I mean, in the way that I would try my hardest to not let the tension and hurt show. Mouse was Chris and Ky’s friend. He was part of this extended family that had pulled me into their fold. I wasn’t close to all of them, and I figured that Mouse would just become like one of them.
“Did you have a good night?” Chris asked once I walked into the house.
I smiled and told him that I had. Then he made me breakfast and I told him all about my time with the girls.
I wasn’t ready to talk about what had happened with Mouse. While I knew Chris would listen and give the best advice, I felt a little strange talking about it with him. Plus, the feelings that I’d had when Mouse touched me were things he didn’t need to hear about. On top of that, how was I going to explain that I’d never had anything like that before? I knew Chris wasn’t dumb, he more than likely knew all about what had happened to me and how I ended up pregnant at seventeen. That said, I didn’t exactly want to talk about it and explain how and why Mouse’s wanted touch meant so much to me.
The more I thought about it, the more I saw that putting distance between myself and Mouse was for the best. The thought alone hurt me and I hoped that I would be strong enough to keep it up. I knew I deserved more than the way he had treated me. And if he really cared about me then he wouldn’t have lied to me just to hurt me.
A week went by and I avoided the compound at all costs. I knew Chris could tell that something was going on but he remained silent, letting me work things out for myself. I could tell it was hard for him but I respected him so much more for it. When I told him that I wanted to keep Chry at home as much as possible, he nodded and worked something out between Laurel, Ky, and himself. I think he caught on to the fact that I was trying to avoid Mouse, or at least suspected something was wrong.
But then again maybe not because I’d heard Ky on the phone saying that Mouse had gone on some kind of ride or run or something and he would be gone the rest of the week.
Despite the fact that I was trying so hard not to think about him or care, the fact that he seemed to have taken off like that hurt me a little.
The next week went much the same with the schedule for Chry, and then the one after that. And a few more slipped by just the same. I stopped avoiding the compound because Cami and Laurel often asked me to meet them there to hang out. And I loved eating dinner with them and everyone there when Chris and Ky had to work. I was determined not to let my hurt and anger toward Mouse force me away from the things I loved. But that didn’t mean that it wasn’t hard. Whenever we were in the same room, I always felt his eyes on me and it was all I could do not to turn my head and give in to the urge to see him.
