My hands are shaking, and my heartbeat is racing at the same pace as my thoughts. I could no longer push down my emotions, so I let them flow freely through me. For the first time in a long time, it wasn't unbearable to feel the pain. It's actually freeing.
My sister was too young and deserved so much more from her short life. I don't think I'll ever be able to rid myself of my guilt about Natalie. After all, I made a promise to her that I was never capable of keeping. I couldn't even protect myself. The guilt may remain, but the burden of it doesn't feel as heavy.
After a few moments, I start to settle. It's not until then that I hear her voice. "Via,"
"Mhm," I murmur, wiping away the last of my tears.
"I am so incredibly proud of you. After all of these years, you finally got off your chest what you've been holding on to."
Dr. Carr reaches her hand out to mine, pulling me up off the ground and gently hugging me. This gesture probably crosses many lines, but it's exactly what I needed at this moment.
"How do you feel?" She asks as she releases me, and we make our way out of the cemetery.
I let the question mull over in my head a few times before rushing to answer.
How do I feel?
I feel like I get a second shot at life. I have the opportunity to live the life I've only dreamed of. I feel guilty for that. Also. . .
"I feel reborn and refreshed," I say, with a genuine smile pulling at my mouth.
She returns my smile with a nod. "Good."
"I can't believe this is it, Iz," I say as I glance around, taking in our home with all my belongings packed in boxes.
I've lived with Izzy my entire adult life, and officially moving so far away from her feels weird. She was the one to help me to pick up the pieces when everything around me shattered. She's been such a magnetic force in my life, and the thought of not being only one bedroom away from her is hard to fathom.
"It?" She scoffs. "Bitch, this is far from it! This is just beginning for you, V. You're not getting rid of me that easily." Her laugh is deep and wicked, and I can't help but chuckle.
"Anddd, we have tonight! Girls' night with wine and greasy ass pizza. You're so going to fucking miss me!" She coos as she runs into the kitchen to grab our cheap bottle of Moscato and two glasses.
"You know I'll miss you," I say as she approaches me, handing over my glass that is filled to the brim.
"I know," she smiles sarcastically and playfully frames her face with her hands. "How could you not?"
"Seriously, though, Iz," I pause, sipping my wine. This may be the cheapest Moscato on the shelf, but it's delicious!
"I'm really worried about you. You've been so off lately. Now you'll be here all alone. I don't get why you won't move in with Maverick. The man is nuts about your crazy ass…"
"Are we seriously going to do this tonight!? Don't be a damn buzz kill!" Izzy rolls her eyes and lets out a huff. I can tell she's suddenly uncomfortable and, as usual, trying to avoid this topic.
I don't speak; I just nod and give her a pointed stare, standing my ground with her for once.
"I just want you to know you can talk to me. What kind of shit friend would I be if I saw you falling apart and didn't voice my concerns. You know damn well you wouldn't keep your mouth shut if it were vice versa."
"That's the thing; it was vice versa for so long. I sat back and watched your whole life crumble around you while you were barely treading water to stay afloat. You rarely, if ever, let me in." She takes a breath, shifting onto the floor in front of the couch, leaning her head back on the cushions, and looking up at me. "Maybe we are more similar than we realize. There are just some things I need to deal with on my own, too, V."
I slip off the couch and sink onto the floor next to her. Once our eyes connect, I reach out for her hand, and she obliges. I give her hand a soft squeeze like she always does for me when I start to get anxious. I always found this to be the kindest gesture she could provide. It was always a tiny physical reminder that I'm not alone. I can only hope she takes the same from it now that the roles are reversed.
Izzy huffs as she shakes her head and then lets her head fall back to the couch again, looking up at the ceiling intently.
"Fuck it, let's get into it." Her voice is soft as she speaks, and I know that her agreeing to talk about whatever is going on is a big deal for her, and I need to tread lightly.
She's still focused in on the ceiling above us and can't see me, but I nod in return. We sit there in the buzzing silence for a few minutes before she speaks up.
"I can't move in with him." She pulls her hand away from mine, running both of her hands back and forth over her face. I stay quiet, giving her the space she needs to process her thoughts and letting her take the lead.
"I love him, and I hate hurting him. He's so good to me. Too good. I don't deserve it, V."
