I waited, and he didn’t ask me why I hadn’t spoken since he first started this long, drawn-out breakup speech. Part of me wanted him to just spit it out and leave, but if I allowed him to take his time, I could savor the last minutes we’d have together in our lifetime.
“I’m sure you don’t want to hear this, but I told you about the mistakes I made too. Doesn’t my unborn baby deserve a chance to have her parents be happy together?”
I shrugged, afraid that if I opened my mouth, I’d tell him exactly how I felt. That people coparent every day and make it work. That yes, it’s not ideal and doesn’t come without a lot of compromise and trials, but everyone would be happier in the end than if he went back to an unhappy marriage. Then again, maybe I had it all wrong… maybe I underestimated the love he’d once had for Kristie. After all, he’d loved her enough to forget about me. The last six weeks, I’d allowed him to convince me it was only me, and Kristie was somehow second prize, but what if I had it all turned around? What if I was always in second place?
“What if we can find our way back to one another?” A squeak leaked out of me, and his eyes narrowed. “Why aren’t you saying anything?”
I shrugged. “What do you want me to say?”
He released my hands and stood, going to the front window, pacing back and forth. “Tell me what to do. I’ve walked more miles this week than the past year, trying to figure out the right decision to make. Whether I should pick us over?—”
I never wanted to be a regret to Bennett. I never wanted him to look at us as anything but perfect, but still, I had to know something before he walked out of my life. “Do you have to pick?”
He stopped and turned to face me, the sun reflecting from behind him through the window. The sun that should be on my bikini-clad body at the beach, with him rubbing sunscreen on my skin instead of doing this. “Kristie isn’t going to make it easy.”
I nodded because I’d gotten that from her short visit, but still, I had a sliver of hope this conversation would be more of a “fuck her, we’re going to make this work.” I couldn’t be more wrong. Now, I just wanted him out of my place and my life because my heart was crumbling in the silence and affirmation that I wasn’t enough to fight for.
“Then you should go,” I said.
He paced, not refuting my words. “I don’t want to end this.”
The longer the conversation went on, the madder I became. “According to you, you can’t have both.”
He stopped again and came over to me, falling to his knees in front of me. “A baby. My baby,” he said it as if he was trying to convince me it was okay that he wasn’t willing to try.
“I know.” My voice was cold and didn’t hold any of the warmth it usually did when it came to him.
He rested his chin on my thigh, his eyes looking up into mine. I weaved my fingers through his hair, knowing it was the last time I’d do so.
“I don’t want to say goodbye,” he said.
He was just torturing himself and me. His decision was made, so I wasn’t sure what he wanted from me. Did he want me to say I’d move to Willowbrook, rent an apartment in Lincoln, and be his little secret so he could have both?
We stared into one another’s eyes for a moment, and I ran my thumb across his cheek. “Go raise your child in Willowbrook.”
His head leaned into my palm as though he didn’t want my caress to end, so I withdrew my hand, and he straightened his head before it fell to the arm of the chair. When he still didn’t move, I slid out of the chair.
“I need you to leave.” I crossed my arms.
He turned around, surprise flaring in his eyes. What did he honestly think would happen here? “I thought we were still talking about this?”
I scoffed. “You’re just trying to make yourself feel better. You’ve made your decision, and I’m not going to fight for you to pick a life with me here or with your child in Willowbrook.”
“I thought we could talk about it, go over our options together.”
If he couldn’t come here and be team us, we had no hope in the future when things got dicey, because of course they would. “Okay, Bennett, what exactly do you want to go over?”
He stood and pocketed his hands again, shrugging. “I don’t know.”
“Exactly. You just want to make this decision guilt-free. You want to walk out that door assured I’m not left crushed and devasted on the other side. Well, I’m sorry, you can’t have everything wrapped with a perfect pink bow. Your decision has repercussions.” He stepped forward, but I put my hand up in the air. “Just… go.”
He hesitated. Even opened his mouth. I thought maybe there was a chance he’d take it all back, but then he turned around toward my door.
His hand was on the doorknob when he glanced over his shoulder. “I love you, Laney. I think I’ll always love you.”
I didn’t say anything. He opened the door and left. I picked up the vase full of peonies he had given me the weekend before and threw it at the door.
The crystal shattered and water spilled all over the front entryway as I sank to my knees and wept.
