She doesn’t say more, and I don’t push. She’ll tell me what she wants when she’s ready.
“He didn’t treat me badly, not in the way people usually think. I just… I didn’t feel like I was being controlled until I was out of it and looking back.”
“And now?” My hand tightens on the steering wheel, the other on my thigh.
She exhales and turns away from the fields rolling by us. I feel her gaze on me, and I wish I could look at her. Tell her she can trust me. I’m on her side. I’m always on her side.
“I wonder if I saw what I wanted to see. Missed the signs that there was something more going on. After he was arrested, I saw some of the evidence… there was a transcript of a phone call he had with one of his associates.” She swallows hard, seeming to gain the courage to say whatever she’s going to next. “Sean was talking about how I had no idea what was going on right under my nose, how Leia and I were the perfect cover for him. It makes me feel angry, of course, but now I’m just—embarrassed.” She shakes her head. “Oh, we’re here.” Her fingers brush under her eyes, and she straightens in her seat. “Look at me, pouring all my problems onto you.”
My hands clutch the steering wheel. What a piece of shit. I park and turn toward her, catching her wrist before she can reach for the door handle. Instinctively, my thumb runs the infinity symbol along her soft skin. “Pour them on me. I want to know.”
She sighs, glancing down at her wrist before looking at the crew unloading behind us. “Even without knowing that Sean was running a high-level drug dealing ring, I just woke up one morning and didn’t know the woman staring back at me.”
I glance at her, taking in the profile I once knew better than my own. She’s carrying something heavy on her shoulders. I thought I understood it, but I realize now that it’s different than what I thought.
“He didn’t see you,” I say before I can stop myself.
She gives me a sad smile. “Maybe not. I didn’t see him for who he was either, though. I probably morphed myself into what I thought he needed me to be. He wanted me perceived a certain way, and I walked right into his trap happily, as if he was my savior.”
She climbs out of the truck before I can say anything more. I watch her walk to the tailgate, pulling on gloves, then she changes into her work boots.
There’s a distance between us, and I realize that I don’t know what to say to make her feel better. I think it’s something she has to find within herself. But maybe I can be here to support her while she does, even if I shouldn’t be.
“You ever think,” she says softly, “how different things could’ve been?”
“All the time.” I meet her eyes. “Every night.”
Silence extends over us.
“He was good to us. Never hit me. Never raised his voice at Leia or me.”
“Why are you telling me this?”
“I just want you to know. I might’ve gotten lost in the smoke and mirrors, but he gave us security and a life I never imagined I’d have. Too bad it was all fake, but I thought we were happy. I thought I’d made the right decision. You have to know that.” Her eyes are imploring me, willing me to understand, but I don’t know why.
She hops off the tailgate and heads toward the workers, our conversation over.
I’m pissed I didn’t say anything back, but what would I say? I’m pissed off that you were happy with someone else. That I should be the only one who makes you happy? So I let my anger simmer inside me. I was the reason she fell in love with someone who wasn’t me. The decision was in my hands.
Delaney walks ahead, boots squelching in the wet grass, her back straight, shoulders tight.
I head after her, carrying the tools, frustration gnawing at me. I should’ve said something.
I catch up, falling into step beside her. “You know,” I say carefully, “there’s still time to become who you want to be.”
She stops and turns. “I don’t think she exists anymore.”
“Then don’t try to find her. Discover who you are now without any restrictions on you.”
Her gaze searches mine. “It feels good to do this. I didn’t realize how much I missed using my hands for something other than folding laundry and braiding Leia’s hair.”
“It’s not like I had a choice. Rosie was adamant.” I smile to soften my words.
“I want to make her proud.”
I step closer, drawn to her as always. “You will. Your talent is going to shine through, and I can’t wait to witness it.”
She smiles, and I tighten my hands around the tools I’m holding to keep from reaching for her.
