“What do you think John would have you do?” says Nolan.
“I think John would say that he died. And that his wraith is not truly him. I think he would say—” I pause and laugh softly to myself. “I think he would say that he always told me not to talk to the shadows, and why would I think he’d feel any differently now?”
“That sounds like him, from what you’ve told me,” says Nolan. “But that’s not all that’s keeping you from throwing that thing overboard, And I get the sense that’s not all that makes youwantto throw it overboard either.”
“What are you saying? That this isn’t about the wraiths?” I laugh. “Because you couldn’t possibly be saying that it’s about the fact that within this pocket watch contains… well, me.Or what I used to be. Her,” I say, turning it over in my palm. “I’m me, when it’s closed. When we’re separate, I know the difference as distinctly as if she’s another person. But when I was her, well, you remember.”
“Yes, I must admit that was rather stressful,”says Nolan. “It must be terrifying, knowing that there’s another part of you locked away.”
“Existing—it’s always felt so overwhelming to me. Too much to bear. But I’ve only known twenty-three years. I only spent a few minutes as her. But what little I tasted? Nolan, there are eons of memories. Eons of years she’s accumulated. Countless burdens to bear. And not just my own, but those of so many people, so many mortals who she couldn’t save. WhoIcouldn’t save. And then there’s the question of…”
I bite my lip, and Nolan looks at me expectantly.
When I don’t answer, he says, “May I venture to guess?”
I nod.
“There’s the question of, if you have that much power, what is your responsibility to do with it?”
I nod again.
“I don’t want anything to do with those tapestries,” I say. “Yet it was what I was created for. Every time I think about having to alter someone else’s life, I just think of all the ways I would mess it up. Is it selfish of me? Not to want to take on the burden of every mortal in the world?”
I pause for my husband to answer, but he must think I have more to say, because he holds his peace and allows me to continue. “I have enough for the four of us—for you, and John, and Michael. And on my better days, I think I have enough for Charlie and Maddox too. And if I don’t have enough, I can figure out a way to get it. But the weight of so many lives, it seems too heavy to carry.
“Although,” I continue, “it didn’t when I washer.In the vision I had. There’s a part of me that knows if I took these shadows on, if I took on her form, I wouldn’t be so afraid. That I would be bolder. That life would be something I was used to. Isn’t that strange? To fear being a bolder version of myself?”
Nolan watches me carefully. “You know I will love you, whichever path you choose. And that you are not going to get rid of me that easily. Besides, from what you told of the Youngest Sister’s cottage, it sounds fairly pleasant. And by the way you described the bed—it seemed quite small. Which I don’t think I would mind so much.”
I elbow him in the ribs, and he gasps out a laugh.
“I would miss your eyes,” he says, suddenly serious. “The features of your face. But I figure I’d grow accustomed if that was what you wanted. If that was what you needed to feel whole. But Darling, I don’t know why you think you have to decide today. Or right now. Or in a year. Or in five.”
“It seems like too big of a decision to put off,” I say.
“It seems like too big of a decision to rush,” says Nolan. “What if there was another option? A third you hadn’t considered?”
I work on the inside of my cheek, flipping the pocket watch over in my hand. “I fear that if I take this, I will be immortal. And I don’t want to be immortal, not without you. Not without John. Not without Michael.”
“This responsibility—it tugs at you, doesn’t it?” he asks.
I nod.
“What if you just… decided later?” he asks.
I stare at the pocket watch, thinking.
“I had considered that,” I say. “Living out my life with you. Watching John and Michael grow up. Being mortal. Like she—like I—always wanted, apparently. And then, when I’m old, and alone, and have lived as much as this mortal life has to offer…Well, I suppose I can decide then, can’t I?” I ask Nolan.
My husband smiles.
CHAPTER 65
ASTOR
We’re almost to port when I hear my name—well, not my name, as much as one that has become just as familiar to me.
“Cap?”
