Another fantasy I shove down in order to continue our conversation. “I’m only working a lot right now because I’m proving myself. Once I become a partner, things will slow down.” Before I even finish saying the words out loud, my mind outs me as the liar that I am. Becoming a partner means more money but definitely not less work. “Until then, my only focus is on my career.”
“Well, I guess that’s good for me.”
“Why? Because I’m never home?”
“Nah, because you’re obviously too busy to have a boyfriend.”
I can’t stop my smile. “Worried you might be too jealous?”
“No, worried he’d come beat the crap out of me when he finds out we’re living together.”
“You don’t have to worry about that.” I highly doubt Hess could get the crap beat out of him. He’s probably 6’2”, two hundred ten pounds. I’ve seen enough of his arms to know he’s definitely strong enough to hold his own, but I give him adifferent reason why he shouldn’t be worried. “I’m not the type of girl who has boyfriends.”
“Because of your work schedule?”
“That, but also, I’ve never felt gaga over a man or a relationship.”
“Gaga?”
“You know, I just don’t really care about love. I can take it or leave it and be fine on my own.”
“Maybe you’re dating the wrong guys.”
“No.” I shake my head. “I’ve dated a lot of men with the same results every time. It’s a recurring pattern in my life. I start dating a guy, things go well for a while, and then I lose interest and move on.”
“So you get bored?”
“Sometimes, or other times the guy does something that turns me off. There’s a name for it now. When people say, ‘He gave me the ick.’ That’s what happens to me.”
“Really?” He smiles, amused by this fact about me. “Name the last ick you experienced.”
I laugh a little. “I was at a guy’s apartment, and his bathroom was right off the kitchen. He went to relieve himself. I stayed on the barstool eight feet away. And then I heard him urinate.”
“Come on. You cannot be that superficial. Everybody has to go to the bathroom.”
“It wasn’t just that he was going to the bathroom. It was the excessive volume of the flow. It sounded like he was a racehorse or that he was using a hose to fill up the toilet.”
He smirks. “Maybe he was.”
“You’re such a man.” I suppress a laugh. “I heard every splash. Every slosh. I don’t know.” I shiver in disgust. “I just had to get out of there.”
“That does sound gross. But still, peeing is a normal human thing. I’m sure you’ve heard me pee.”
I think about it for a second, and actually, I have, but for some reason it didn’t bother me.
“Okay,” I continue, “what about the guy who constantly licked his lips? And we’re not talking in a sexy or demure way.”
“Is there a demure way to lick your lips?”
“Maybe. But that’s not what this guy was doing. After every three words, I’d see his tongue come out and swipe. And he was a big guy, so his tongue was grotesquely large.” He laughs, but I keep going. “Then there was the guy who tried to lean against the wall casually but missed. He stumbled back, and it was awkward, like arms everywhere. I knew I’d never get the visual out of my mind. Or the man who slurped his cereal bowl from the side, and a little droplet of milk rolled down his chin.”
“I do that.” Hess emphatically points to himself. “I drink the last of my cereal milk from the bowl.”
I know. I’ve seen it. And it wasn’t bad.
I lift my chin, masking my true feelings. “Told ya this marriage was doomed from the start.”
“Apparently so.”
