“Fight?”
“Yes—I don’t know if I can do it.” He suddenly felt incredibly tired. Should he really have to fight like this for love? Shouldn’t it be simpler? If two people were meant for each other, surely that relationship developed spontaneously? Everything went smoothly, and you just knew. Wasn’t that what happened with true love?
“Are you trying to break up with me?” Bente’s expression was serious.
“I don’t know, but ...” He took a deep breath. “I’m not sure if this is what I want.”
There it was again: a sense of constantly being changed by someone else. It seemed to him that he had found a new side of himself, something that Bente had helped him discover. Yet at the same time, he didn’t want to give up on other dreams. The dream of marriage and a family.
All his life he had tried to fit into a template that someone else had created for him—starting with his mother. He had always made an effort to fit into her image of what her son should be like. It had been the same in his marriage—Lovisa had been opposed to the person he was, to the person he became. Of course Didrik realized that everyone has to compromise within a relationship. But ever since the breakup with Lovisa, he had realized that their compromises had been about his entire personality. About the way he wanted to live. This business of children and a family—could he really walk away from all that? He didn’t want to change yet again within a relationship. He wanted to be himself, 100 percent.
“I don’t get it. What do you mean? Are you trying to find a way out of this?” Bente looked searchingly at him, her eyes burning into his.
“No, it’s not like that. I’m just questioning what we both want, wondering if our goals are too different.”
She nodded. “It’s fine. I understand if this was just a way for you to move on. To get over your fantastic ex-wife.” She got up off the bed.
“It’s absolutely not about that, and you know it.” He reached for her, but she pulled away.
“Oh, I know it, do I? Then why are you determined to invent some kind of conflict? This issue shouldn’t be a problem—you’remakingit into a problem.”
“So my dreams of a family are invented?”
She rolled her eyes. “Don’t twist my words.” She sank down onto the bed, put her head in her hands, then looked up at him, her eyes shining with tears. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe we’re too different. Maybe we need time.”
His stomach contracted. Was she right? Did they need more time? Didheneed more time? Was Bente right? He had no idea. He was completely confused. Why did love—life!—have to be so demanding all the time?
“I think we do,” he heard himself say. “I need to give this some thought.”
“And what about the summer party?” Bente said. “Are we ... are we still going together?”
“The party?” She was asking him about a fucking party? They were in the middle of breaking up! “Why bring that up?”
“It’s not important, I was just thinking about the show. It will be good PR if we go, and—”
“How can you think about TV24’s summer party right now? What upsets you the most—the fact that we won’t be seeing each other anymore, or that you’ll be missing the party?”
Unbelievable. He’d thought that he had finally found his way to the person Bente really was, had gotten her to open up, to let him in. And now this.
He gazed at her in silence for a few seconds. “Like I said, I need to think. And maybe you should think about why you want to be with me—if you even do.”
Bente looked shocked, as if she couldn’t believe he was capable of raising his voice. But he was, and he had—and he had no intention of giving in. He wasn’t going to let anyone walk all over him again.
She simply nodded slowly.
“I’ll go back to my room,” she said quietly as she got to her feet.
36
1944
The evening air was oppressive, suggesting that a thunderstorm was on the way. Sven headed for the village, hoping to catch a late train. He didn’t meet a single car as he walked along the main road, which was something of a relief.
The soldiers were sitting in the restaurant as usual. They were eating and talking loudly, but there was no sign of any of the villagers—surely the curfew hadn’t yet gone into effect? It was too early. There was a strange atmosphere; he thought he saw the odd movement at a window, as if people were on the lookout. Something was happening.
Then he saw. Several buses were parked on the square, and there was feverish activity outside the town hall. German soldiers were going around with lists, talking with each other about something, leafing through documents. One of them was directing a group, although Sven couldn’t quite see what they were doing. He didn’t want to stare—this was not the time to draw attention to himself.
A young woman hurried past, keeping her head down. Sven stopped her with a gentle touch on her arm. “What’s going on?” he asked quietly.
