“No. I don’t know anything about that.”
They took a detour and drove out to the coast. Didrik challenged Bente to take a dip in the sea; he didn’t think she would do it, but she made it clear that he had underestimated her, and she even managed to persuade him to do the same. He bought two blue-and-white-striped beach towels from a tourist store, then they returned to the deserted shore and ran laughing into the water in their underwear. It was absolutely freezingcold. Afterward they wrapped themselves in the towels and held each other until they were warm again.
Back at the hotel, they lay down on the bed in Didrik’s room and gazed up at the ceiling fan as it spun around and around. They’d hung the towels up to dry, and they flapped in the breeze from the open balcony door.
Didrik listened to the sounds of the city. The unmistakable sound of a French traffic jam, a cacophony of car horns. Laughing children on the way home from school. The scrape of chair legs on the concrete slabs outside the café down below.
He reached out and took her fingers in his.
“What cold hands you have,” he said.
“What warm handsyouhave.” He could tell that she was smiling, and he turned his head and looked at her.
“This is a very different work trip.” He stroked her cheek and laughed. “My best work trip ever.”
“All work trips should be like this.”
He thought about all the times he had traveled for work, conferences at other universities, guest-lecturing overseas, filming in Sweden as a guest on various TV shows. At first he hadn’t minded the traveling; it had been an exciting aspect of his career. Then he had found it boring being away from Lovisa. What would life be like in the future? What would a life with Bente look like?
“What are you thinking about?” she asked.
He smiled. “What my life is going to be like. What do you expect your life to look like in ten years’ time?”
“I’ll be doing a job I’m passionate about, possibly running Rendezvous, which by then will have become a fantastic wine bar. Imightalso be making the odd appearance on TV, but I’m absolutely not interested in fame.”
“And family?” He couldn’t help noticing that she hadn’t included him in her dreams.
“I don’t know ...” She gazed at him. “I’m not sure if it’s right for me. Having children.”
When he saw her uncertain expression, his mind began to spin. Could he go through this again? With someone who wasn’t sure? Investing all his emotions in a person and a relationship that didn’t lead to where he wanted to go.
“So family life isn’t for you?”
Bente shrugged. “I just don’t think it’s my thing.”
He nodded slowly.
“Is that a problem for you?”
“No. Or rather, I don’t know. I don’t even know if I can have kids, but there are other ways to build a family.”
Bente didn’t say anything.
He wasn’t sure why he felt so awkward about the whole thing. Maybe it was because he had always imagined the future so differently. Was he ready to let go of the dream of a family?
“Why haven’t you told me this before? That you don’t want kids.”
“What do you mean? It never came up until now, when you started pushing me for information, as usual.”
“‘As usual’? I think I took a clear step back, and I’ve given you every chance to tell me.”
He took a deep breath. Tried to slow his racing heartbeat. This was stirring up his emotions. Once again he felt shut out by Bente, excluded from her thoughts and innermost feelings. It was as if she had suddenly become a different person. He couldn’t help wondering what she really wanted. Did she even want to be with him?
“It’s just that I devoted several years to a marriage with a person who didn’t know what she wanted, or at least wasn’t honest with me,” he said eventually.
“But Ihavebeen honest.” Bente propped herself up on her elbows, looked at him. “I’ve been honest all along.”
“I don’t know if I have the energy to fight for it again.” He was thinking out loud.
