Lux has busied herself pulling up Chalkboard on her laptop so we can get this thing submitted. She taps away at the keys, finally hitting the submit button. Once she’s done, she glances at me from the corner of her eye. “You know, it seems like you’re doing well in the sciences, too. What are you planning on doing?”
“Probably going into physical therapy or something like that, unless I get picked up by the NFL.” I shrug. “I’m a little undecided, but it’s a plan, anyway.”
“Gotcha.”
“Hey, guys,” comes a quiet whisper from behind us, interrupting our conversation. When we turn around in our seats, Matty and Ryleigh are standing there, smiling at us and waving.
Lux stands, her face lighting up at the arrival of the happy couple. Matty mentioned at a recent practice that he’d had an opportunity to introduce Ryleigh to Lux at the dining hall and it seemed to him like the girls hit it off. Ryleigh goes to hug Lux first, then Matty does, too, wrapping his arms around her body, resulting in a squeak.
I shoot out of my seat, bristling a bit at the idea that he’s touching her. I’ve wanted to hold her for several days now, and— My jaw sets. I’m being an asshole again. Lux deserves to have friends—people who care about her. The hug was completely platonic and… I’m a dick.
Speaking of friends, I’m sensing from Kellan, and even Maddox, that they are tiring of this entire charade. They want to support me, have my back, but they don’t understand. They couldn’t. And I’m so, so tired of all of it. I simply don’t know how toendit, how Lux and I will ever be able to move on from here.
I’m so caught up in my thoughts, I don’t see Ryleigh coming at me until she’s already in the process of giving me a squeeze. “Hey, Gage, how’s it going? I haven’t seen you at all since the semester started.”
On autopilot, I hug her back. And then it sinks in… she just called me Gage.
“Gage? What’s wrong?” Ryleigh tries to pull away from me, but I’m frozen in place. “Gage?”
Oh, fuck.I feel each distinct beat of my heart. Every breath. Shame washes over me. And then my gaze meets Lux’s, and my entire world stops. And then it implodes.
Lux’s face drains of color.Oh, shit.My chest clenches hard, and the look in her eyes makes me ache with regret. She blinks a few times, as if she’s processing what just came out of Ryleigh’s mouth.My name.That’s all it was. Such a small thing, but for Lux, the meaning must be like a cannonball to the stomach. She lifts a hand and captures a few strands of hair between her fingers, unconsciously fidgeting. I’ve seen her do it before when her anxiety is high. She backs away from me, her gaze locked on mine. “Hawk, why’d she call you Gage?” I can see it in her eyes—she’s fighting to comprehend and coming up without any logical answer.
In my peripheral vision, I see Ryleigh looking back and forth between us, and with a quick glance, it’s obvious from the confusion sliding over her features that she knows what she said has upset Lux. And she’s such a sweetheart, she immediately tries to make things right. “I’m so sorry. I can’t stand the way the football team all call each other by their last names. I’ve always called him Gage. I didn’t know it would cause a problem.” Ryleigh covers her mouth with her hands for a second, like she’s embarrassed about a little faux pas or some shit like that. She and Matty exchange a look. I can see the what-the-fuck-are-we-missing in their eyes, but I have to ignore it. The only person who matters here is Lux.
Her steely gray eyes remain pinned on me. “Landon, why does she think your name is Gage? Who the hell is Gage?”
My throat is dry, the lump in it, enormous. How the fuck do I fix this? How can I make her understand? My eyes slam shut for a second. I should have told her. And now it’s too late. Self-loathing creeps in. Disgust. Shame. Guilt.
“Fucking answer me.” Her chin wobbles, and I swear to God, I would give anything to not put her through this. Quieter now she heaves out, “Fucking. Answer. Me.” A tear slides down her cheek.
Blood pounds through my head.Fuck.My throat feels raw when I force the words out. “Landon Hawk … was my twin.”
Confusion clears as understanding dawns in her eyes first, then shock, and her mouth drops open. She stares at me, hardly moving a muscle—not even her eyes to blink—for at least ten seconds. When she finally speaks, her tone is biting. She’s so upset, she stutters when she speaks. “T-tell me it’s not t-true. How could I not know Landon had a twin? Tell me you haven’t been fuckinglyingto me all this time. You made me believe you were him. You made me think I was going crazy!” She draws in a shaky breath. “And not just because I thought my boyfriend was back from the dead. You can’t even comprehend how fucked up this is. You have no fucking idea!” Her entire body quakes with anger and her lips tremble as she finishes.“Landonis dead. But you aren’t him. Oh my God, I’m such a fucking idiot!” Her glare is so fiery, it could rival the heat of a thousand suns.
I reach for her, but she shrugs out of my hold, looking at me with wounded, fierce eyes. The damage I’ve brought down on her is painful. Piercing. Excruciating. Raw. It's eviscerating me. “Lux, you’re right. I shouldn’t have let it go on like—”
A disturbed, almost maniacal laugh explodes from her, startling everyone in the vicinity. “How could you let me think this entire time that you were Landon? Back from the dead. Never fucking dead in the first place. And ‘Look, she’s so messed up in the head, she has to pop pills just to get by, but I think I’ll fuck with her a little more.’ You were probably laughing every time I let you touch me. Like, ‘What’s wrong with this girl? She thinks I’m the guy who died next to her. Holy shit, she really does think I’m Landon.’” Her eyes flash. “Well, you don’t even know thehalfof it,Gage.” She says my name like she’s spitting it.
Ryleigh’s eyes widen, her fingers only partially concealing her shock as she covers her mouth. She glances up at Matty, but his gaze is pinned on me, jaw tense. He cocks his head, looking at me in disbelief. He opens his mouth to speak, but I hold up a hand, and he clamps his lips shut.
My gut twists and curls into knots.Fuck.It cuts me so deep to see what I’ve done to her. And the thing is, every word Lux has said is the truth. I did all that. I’ve never felt so fucking low in my entire life. Because she’s right. I messed with her head on purpose. At the time, I thought she deserved everything I slung her way. “You don’t—” My jaw locks for a second. “If you’d let me explain— I don’t want to do it here,” I grit out, looking down at my feet.
“You don’t get to decide that.” Out of nowhere, the open palm of Lux’s hand meets my cheek with a resounding smack. I flinch, shocked at the heat spreading over my skin. I blink hard and have lifted my hand to probe my cheek when she strikes the other cheek. And then she’s whaling on me, her hair flying wildly about her face. It’s intense, the fury she brings down on me, her blows surprisingly strong for someone her size. But the physical pain is nothing compared to what we are going through emotionally at this moment.
Through the blazing fury of the slaps that she lands, I don’t see the tears streaming down her face until Matty and Ryleigh catch her arms and stop her, physically restraining her. Those tears sink directly into my soul. I did this to her. I’ve torn her apart. I put that sadness in her eyes. I made her face look like this.
“Let her go,” I growl as tears prick the backs of my eyes, unbidden. My heart is being ripped to shreds, seeing firsthand what I’ve done to her. “She deserves to come at me with everything she has. If she wants to hit me, she can. If she wants to yell, she can.” My face is flaming hot, both from the force of her slaps and from embarrassment that this is happening publicly.Fuck.And maybe I’m simply mortified at the way I’ve treated her. I’ve been trying to figure out how to gently break it to her that I’m Gage, her former boyfriend’s twin. But as it became clear that there’s more to their story—a lot of things Landon definitely didn’t tell me—I hadn’t been sure how to handle it. Well, my problem is solved now. She knows. Only now she fuckin’ hates me for it. And that makes me want to die.
Reluctantly, they let her go. Lux comes toward me again, only this time, it’s actually worse because the fight has gone out of her. She’s crying hard, trying to hide her misery behind the curtain of her hair. But I see it. I see her. And every tear she sheds makes my heart ache. She stops in front of me and clutches at my shirt. She lets go of the fabric and pounds half-heartedly on my chest. The sobs that rip from her throat are rough and horribly sad. They pierce my soul again and again until it bleeds. I regret every fucking awful thing I’ve done and said to her.
We’ve got an audience at this point—one that’s getting bigger and bigger by the second. Curious onlookers. Ticked off librarians. And our friends who are so confused they don’t know what to do.
I wrap my arms around Lux’s shaking body, pulling her close, and tuck my head down next to hers. “I’m sorry. I should have told you. It shouldn’t have gone on like this.” I lift her in my arms, and her legs wrap automatically around my midsection. That one tiny instinctual response from her gives me hope.
I meet Matty and Ryleigh’s concerned gazes and rasp, “Could you hand me our bags?” Lux clings to me, her silent sobs and the trembling of her body is worse than all the slaps and anger. Matty collects both, and I hold out a hand, taking them from him.
No one says a word as I turn around and walk out of there. Her chest heaves uncontrollably against mine, and it occurs to me that this is exactly the type of situation that she’d usually use her meds for. The revelation of my identity has been too damn much for her to take. We stop at a unisex bathroom near the entrance, and I duck inside with her. At the counter, I set her down, continuing to stand between her legs because she has a death grip on my shirt again.
