When I pull my head back so I can see him better, something odd flickers in his eyes that I can’t quite figure out. Putting some space between us—because my heart was about to accelerate and break out of my chest—the words rasp, unwelcome, from my throat. “You made me start to fall in love with you. And then you—” On a sob, I cover my mouth with my hand as I stare into his eyes. “They told me you were dead. And I really wish you were. For everything you did to me. I. Hate. You. I hate you!” I turn and streak up the stairs and down the hall.
“Yeah, I fuckin’ hate you, too,” he growls low from somewhere behind me. He’s moving at a much slower pace, and it almost feels like he’s stalking me, simply watching me go. Like he’s the predator and I’m the prey. And he knows where I live.Shit.
I keep going until I’m in the suite with the door locked behind my back. Not that it matters that it’s locked—not that it fucking matters at all. My body is seized by uncontrollable shaking, and I can’t move from where I stand. My ears are buzzing, so I slam my eyes shut and let the door hold me up for a long time. My heart. I claw at my chest with both hands. It’s breaking all over again. I can’t believe he’s doing this to me. How can he blame me?
Once I’m steady enough to get to my room, I fish through my bottles of anxiety meds and find the Xanax. I just need to sleep. I need this day to go away. Everything I’m feeling has me so close to the edge, I don’t know how I’m not completely losing it.
I spoke to my dead boyfriend. This has got to be the most fucked-up day of my entire life.
* * *
My eyes aregritty when I pry them open the next morning and my mouth is a dry, disgusting desert.
A knock sounds on my door. “Lux? Are you in there?” That’d be Raven. I recognize her voice easily now.
Then, “Hey, we just want to know… um, just if you’re okay or whatever.” And I can tell from the way she phrased her thoughts that the second person is Star.
Which, I mean… it makes sense, seeing as how we’re living together and all. They’re nice, normal people who have no idea of my past trauma or that it’s come back to haunt my present.
I work my tongue around in my mouth, trying to find some wetness. My words come out a croak, “Yeah. I’m here.” I slowly sit up, putting a hand to my head. It aches, and I don’t know if it’s from the meds or from everything I’m dealing with. Stress. It could definitely be stress—from the newness of living on my own, to classes starting tomorrow, but more than likely, it’s a reaction to Hawk. That bastard. How dare he come at me like that last night?
Climbing out of bed, I walk groggily to the door, unlock it, and pull it open. On the other side, both Raven and Star stare curiously at me.
I hold my finger up and walk into my bathroom, splashing some cool water over my face. Staring into the mirror, I take a minute in an attempt to figure out how to explain my words and actions to these girls.
I roll over everything in my mind, and it all sounds completely insane, so I squeeze some toothpaste on my toothbrush and jam it into my mouth. Returning to my bedroom, I see my suitemates have taken it upon themselves to get comfortable—Raven sits on the end of the bed, and Star has taken my desk chair, turned it backward, and is straddling it like she’s riding a horse. Her arms rest on the back, her chin propped on top.
Star shrugs. “I think we should get the doozy out of the way first.”
Around my toothbrush as I continue to brush, I ask, “And what’s that?”As if I don’t know.
While Star stares at me, incredulous, Raven murmurs softly, “Um. Your dead boyfriend. I think that’s what she means.”
I shrug my shoulders, then hold up the pointer finger of my free hand. Back in the bathroom, I spit and rinse, then rejoin them. “Yeah. So, long story short, the night of his prom, we were in a horrific car accident. It left me in a coma for a couple weeks. I had a long recovery physically, but it was the anxiety that left me… crippled, in a way. I don’t know if that’s why my parents told me he was—” My face crumples.
“Whoa. Wait. So you’re saying your parents told you Hawk was dead when he wasn’t? But why? Shit. I thought I had problems.” Star winces.
“That’s the million-dollar question. I have no idea. I was… I was in a pretty bad state when I came out of the coma. They allowed me to do remote learning through my junior and senior year, my recovery was so rough. And on top of all that, I remember thinking how everyone was going to hate me. The most popular boy in school died in a car with me.” A whoosh of air leaves my lungs.
“Why would they hate you? Was it somehow your fault?”
I squeeze my eyes shut. “No. I mean, not really. But clearly, he blames me. I just don’t know how—” I sniffle, then wipe some wetness from under my eyes. “Can we not talk about this right now? Last night, he—”
“He what?” Star chews on the corner of her lip, her interest level clearly piqued.
My heart twinges in agony. “He got in my face last night. He blames me. But I don’t—” A sob gurgles to the surface, but I squash it down.
The growl that rumbles from Raven’s slim body almost makes me laugh, but she seems serious enough when she says, “That ridiculously hot asshole is going to get a knee to the junk if I have anything to say about it.”
“Sounds like he deserves worse than that.” Star grimaces, shaking her head.
Seeing the uncomfortable look on my face, Raven is quick to change the subject. “Well, don’t worry, we have the perfect day ahead of us. That’s partly why we wanted to talk to you. We thought we could go grab lunch, walk around campus—”
“Make sure we know where the hell we’re going.” Star laughs. “My schedule sucks, by the way. I’ve got an eight o’clock history class, three days a week.”
Raven wrinkles her nose. “Thatdoessuck. But we’ll make sure you know where the building is, and then tonight we have Royal Revelry.” She grins, glancing from Star to me.
My brow furrows. “Wait, tell me what this is again?” I feel like I’ve missed something major, which isn’t surprising—not with the way things have been going since my arrival.
