Five
Logan
June passed, and then July, and even August was nearing its end. Logan tried to ignore the time passing as best he could, and when that wasn’t possible anymore, he told himself that he still had a whole month left. And then half a month.
A few weeks, that was all that he had. He would lose Derrick completely after that time, he knew it. Derrick seemed to, too, because they got bolder, kissing, groping, touching each other every chance they got. Their kisses, their stolen caresses, their orgasms, all took on a sort of desperate edge, as Logan tried to tell himself that it was for the best.
He was getting too attached. That was what it came down to. He was going to be devastated enough when Derrick left. Until the light bulb went on over his head and he had a sort of epiphany.
What if Derrick didn’t leave?
He wasn’t stupid enough to think that Derrick would give up on his dreams of going to school. It was completely clear to Logan that Derrick wouldn’t really be happy unless he was exercising his mental muscles. The guy was cerebral, the oddball of the family. Not that anyone in the family was stupid, but none of them were as staggeringly brilliant as Derrick was.
So Derrick would have to go to school, but Kansas had schools. Even if Derrick lived in the dorm, he could come home more often, couldn’t he? Weekends, maybe? Maybe Logan could subtly suggest that he wouldn’t mind seeing more of Derrick. Drop that in his ear. Any school would jump at the chance to have someone like Derrick, Logan knew it.
It was a foolish hope, maybe, but it was still hope, and it made Logan feel a little bit better about his own feelings. It was mid-August, though, and he found himself increasingly aware of every hour that passed.
If he wanted to suggest this, he was going to have to do it now. Or else he was going to have to accept that it wouldn’t happen, and just sit back and watch as Derrick left him. Of course, Derrick might leave him anyway, but at least he could tell himself that he had tried.
Why not go for it? Worst case scenario, he made himself look like an idiot, and he had to spend a week or two avoiding Derrick. The question was, did he want to try to make something work with Derrick? And the answer was very clear when he thought about it. Yes. He wanted Derrick, he wanted something more permanent, even though it would still likely have to be their secret. They had kept it between them so far, and it seemed fair to assume that they would keep on being able to do so, at least for a while.
It was late now, and though Derrick sometimes made his way into Logan’s room, Logan had never quite been brave enough, or willing enough to risk Derrick not welcoming him, but they still spent their days together more often than not, even if they took care to ride out separately and at different times.
Tomorrow was soon enough to ask. He could think about it tonight, decide what the best words to say would be. But then, as he glanced out at the big yard, which was painted silver with moonlight, movement caught his eye. His room happened to be located right at the exact perfect angle to watch as someone crossed the yard, heading for the barn.
The way that the person, a man, moved, Logan knew very well who it was. He would recognize that smooth grace anywhere, not to mention the sweep of shaggy, golden-brown hair. How sad was it that even at this distance, on the second floor and from so far away, that he could recognize Derrick? He really had fallen for the man, as stupid as it was.
He took a deep breath, then let it out slowly. This was it. The chance that he had been waiting for. It would be better to have the conversation out of the house since whenever they were together inside, they had to be so quiet so that no one would hear them. So Logan, glad that he hadn’t undressed for the night yet, slipped into his shoes and walked silently through the house, holding his breath as he eased the front door open. It squeaked, but not too much, and then he was free to follow Derrick into the barn.
It was a quiet night. No sounds of traffic marred the silence, only the sound of wind rustling through trees, and, as he got closer, the soft exhalations of the horses, stabled for the night. Logan was able to hear Derrick’s voice, though at first, he couldn’t make out the words. He was probably talking to the horses. Logan didn’t think that Derrick knew it, but he had a habit of speaking to the animals when he didn’t think anyone else was listening.
There were so many of those little things, Logan thought with a smile that he couldn’t even help touching his lips. Just these small habits that he had noticed that Derrick had had. He had been observing the other man so closely, and he felt like he was finally getting to know him. Maybe it was just wishful thinking, but he didn’t think so.
“Yeah? Really?” Derrick’s voice sounded hopeful, and it didn’t seem like he was speaking to a horse after all. “I mean, I felt like we broke up for good reasons. It was your call. Remember?”
How little Logan knew about this man who had been sharing his bed, who had been giving him so much pleasure. Derrick rarely spoke about himself, and when he did, it was to talk about what he was taking in school. Logan listened to the words as closely as he could, although their content was far beyond his own high school education.
But Derrick was talking to someone that he had broken up with. Who could it be? No one whose name had come up in conversation, that was for damn sure. It hadn’t even occurred to Logan to think that there could be someone else, a rival for Derrick’s affection. It was jealousy which froze him in place, standing just outside the barn door, the sound of Derrick’s smooth purr of a voice coming easily to him in the silence of the night through the cracks.
“I haven’t changed,” Derrick said to whoever he was speaking with, while Logan silently cheered inside. Whoever it was, Derrick seemed like he wasn’t interested in being with them. Maybe it had nothing to do with Logan, but a guy could hope, right?
There was a long silence then, and then Derrick gave a soft sigh. Logan heard it loud and clear, and he realized that Derrick must be standing right on the other side of the door. He struggled not to hold his breath, not wanting to miss a moment of this conversation. He was eavesdropping, and he even felt a little guilty about it, but not enough to stop.
“Jessica, are you sure you want to try again?”
That didn’t sound too good, and Logan closed his eyes and took a slow, quiet, deep breath before taking a step away from the barn. It sounded like Derrick was at least considering it. This Jessica, whoever she was, was trying to get Derrick back. And who could blame her? If Logan got Derrick as his boyfriend, rather than the sort of fucked up friends with benefits thing that they had, if that was the best way to describe it, he wouldn’t let go of it, either.
And Derrick hadn’t just said no. He hadn’t blown the girl, whoever she was, off. And that was a whole new complication, one that Logan couldn’t deal with right at the moment. So he took another step back, and another, until the distance between himself and Derrick muffled the actual words that Derrick was speaking.
For a moment or two, Logan just listened to that indistinct voice and tried to figure out just what the hell he was going to do about this newest development. Was he just going to let Derrick go after all? For the first time, it occurred to him, though it should have before, that Derrick would have friends at his current school. He had obviously had a girlfriend. Maybe he wouldn’t be open to leaving that all behind.
On the other hand, maybe Logan shouldn’t make that choice for him. Derrick was an adult, perfectly capable of making his own choice. He didn’t have all of the information yet, though. He didn’t know that Logan had feelings for him, and that he was willing to try. Maybe it wouldn’t matter to him, though. Logan probably couldn’t compete with this Jessica person, whoever she was.
But he could let Derrick tell him that. So, once more, he walked toward the voice, which grew clearer again as he got closer.
“I’ll call you soon. Okay. Bye.”
Then a moment of silence, during which time Logan took a deep, deep breath and closed his eyes. He could still back out. He wasn’t even sure how to define his own feelings for Derrick at the moment, and he would really be asking for a lot from Derrick, assuming a lot.
