SIXTEEN
I don’t see what any of it has to do with me.
More than anything, John wanted Brett by his side right now, not just as his lover—as the person who had made John think that it might be possible for him to have a future with someone who loved him—but as his best friend.
Because this, John acknowledged to himself, as he stared at the plain, unassuming medical building, this was nothing short of the most terrifying thing that he had ever experienced in his life. And he could really use someone by his side, someone other than the woman who was pretty much a stranger to him.
But Brett had made his choice. Brett had made it very clear what he wanted, and it wasn’t John. Maybe things could have worked out without this baby, but if this baby was his, John wasn’t going to deny responsibility. Why should a baby be raised by strangers, when she already had a parent who wanted her?
There were logistics, of course. How he was going to care for a baby, pay for her things. But that could be worked out once he knew if this was, in fact, his child. So, squaring his shoulders, he walked into the building, right into the elevator, to the fifth floor, just as the website had directed him.
Madison was already there, pacing back and forth in front of the door, and for the first time, John let himself wonder what this must be like for her. Yes, she had made her decision about giving the child up, but she was still the one who was going to have to give birth to her and then hand her to someone else. She was concerned about her future, but from this brief, unguarded look into her face, this wasn’t going to be easy for her, either.
Who was this woman? He really barely knew her, and the moment she saw him there, she was back on her guard, looking at him warily. What a weird situation, for both of them. Probably for Brett, too. And what about Madison’s parents, did they even know about the baby? Was she going to tell them?
“I didn’t really think you’d show up,” Madison told him, her tone brisk like she wanted to make it very clear that she didn’t care either way, that she would be fine. She was a tough woman in an incredibly hard position, and he wanted to hug her suddenly. But since she was really just as nearly a stranger to him as he was to her, that would probably not be all that welcome.
“I’m here. Let’s do this,” John told her, giving her a smile that he hoped was encouraging. She seemed to soften a little bit, not smiling back but her shoulders were a bit less tense, her body a bit more relaxed.
Together, they walked through the door into a waiting room, with John holding the door for her so that she could enter first. She went up to the desk to check in, and John sat down and started to rifle through a magazine, not because he was interested in it but because it gave his hands something to do other than sit there in useless lumps on his lap.
“Okay. They’re running a bit behind, but she said it should be only about ten minutes,” Madison informed him, settling herself into the chair beside John in that particularly awkward way that he had only seen from very pregnant women. Stomach clutched in one hand, the other steadying herself on the arm of the chair, she gave a sigh of relief once she was actually sitting. “I’ll be so damn glad when I can just sit down like a normal person,” she muttered as if to herself. “When I can walk like a normal person. Wear cute clothes. Not have to pee about a million times an hour.”
John looked over at her, fascinated. This was really his only intimate experience with pregnancy, the only time that he had ever been involved at all, and whether this was his child or not, he found the whole thing interesting.
“I didn’t mean for this to happen.” He tried to explain. He somehow doubted that he was the first man who had said those words to a woman in this condition. “I’m sorry.”
Something in her face went blank, and she just looked at him. Then she relaxed, and a wry little smile touched her lips.
“I don’t think you were the only one there that night,” she told him. “Just relax. I don’t blame you any more than I blame myself.”
He nodded, and there was a shift between them, they had both felt it. Before, they had been relatively unknown to each other, besides that one night that they had spent together. Now, there was a rapport between them, and they weren’t in love, nowhere close, but they were in this together.
And it was then that John knew that she had been telling the truth—that he was the father, the only one who could be.
“I was wondering,” he spoke suddenly, maybe encouraged by the new understanding between them, “How you found me. Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad you did, but—”
“Really?” she cut him off, with an amused little glance at him. “Are you really glad?”
“Yeah,” John replied, and he meant it. “Look, I guess I always wanted kids, you know? Without telling myself.” And most recently, he had hoped that he and Brett might raise this child together. But that was demonstrably nothing but a pipe dream.
“Okay,” she said like he had passed some sort of test. “To be honest, I hired a P.I. to track you down. I thought about just contacting an adoption agency, but I thought you at least deserved the chance.”
“Oh, Jesus,” John muttered. “You hired a …” He took a deep breath. “And you still want me to take your kid, with everything you know about me?”
That seemed to interest her, and she tilted her head to the side and surveyed him thoughtfully.
“What do you mean by that?” she asked, and John gave a sharp little laugh.
“You know who I am. I’m a broken man with no one and nothing,” he informed her, and now that Brett was gone, now that John had spent the night in his own solitary bed instead of wrapped around Brett for the first time since they had started sleeping together, he felt like it was really true.
“You served your country, got hurt protecting us, and you wonder why I wouldn’t mind the thought of my kid with you?” she asked, one light eyebrow raised. “I can’t think of anyone better than someone like you. I can leave her with you and know that, no matter what, she’ll be taken care of. Protected.”
It had literally never occurred to John that someone might see things that way, and he shifted uncomfortably. Luckily, she kept on speaking.
“Besides, you don’t have no one. What about that guy you’re seeing? The cute one?” When he looked at her disbelievingly, she shot him a grin that was almost impish. “I saw pictures. Are you worried that I won’t approve or something?”
“No,” John said, and he lowered his gaze away from hers. He wasn’t sure why they were having this conversation, but there was definitely a bond between them, and maybe John had just been desperate to talk to someone about this. “It’s not that. It’s just that I don’t think we’re together. Maybe we never were.”
