“Do you have a plan of what we’re going to do?”
“No.”
“Benjamin.” I pull the covers back and twist so I can get in front of him. “Talk to me. Please.”
“What do you want me to say?”
All of the scenarios and possibilities that crossed my mind while hiding out here and now, I'm at a loss for what to say. Or I'm too scared to push my luck any further. But, if I'm going to return, still going to be with him, everything needs to be on the table.
“I can’t take the hot and cold. One minute I’m at your side, the next I’m shut out, or worried about what you’re doing or how I should be acting. Things are different now. At least for me.”
He pushes out of the bed and strides to the French doors without answering, opening them to get away from me. I follow him out onto the balcony, wrapping the sheet around myself. “Please, Benjamin. I can't…” His hand comes up, stopping my mouth instantly.
“You were the one person I thought I could trust,” he says, still staring away from me. “Don’t think, for one fucking second, Hope, that you can walk your sweet ass back into that position quickly.”
“No, I know. I have to prove myself to you.” My fingers dare reaching for his face,gently tipping it back towards me. He stiffens but does finally look at me. “And I will. I want to. But I won’t be shut out. I want to live my life for me now. And that means I choose you.”
The flick of his cheek out of my fingers proves that this is far from complete. He scowls and tries to move away from me again, but I get in front of him before he gets a chance. “Not just because you are a means to an end, but because I love you, despite everything. Being there for you is what I want. To be who you need me to be. For us. Including all the mess that comes with it.”
I hold my breath and wait for his response, no understanding of how this is going to play out. If this had been before Cane and all that's happened, I’d have held all of that inside, asked what Benjamin’s plans were and then made arrangements to support him in whatever way he needed. Stayed quiet, accompanied him, been seen with him, or let him use me to get the information or access he needed, but not now. I won’t be left out on the details around his life that affect me anymore. Maybe this new me is a huge gamble, one I want to pay off more than anything else. Regardless, I just hope that with my confession out there now, Benjamin might find the capacity to forgive. The question of how the Canes will fit into all of this is left on my tongue. There’s too much between us to resolve before pushing for further answers just yet.
He doesn't reply at all. Nothing. He just stares until it becomes uncomfortable again, his eyes boring into mine.
“Have you had anything to eat?” I ask, not knowing what else to say.
“No. Could use some coffee.”
“It’s the afternoon?”
“And I’ve still not had a fucking coffee this morning.” The comment is aggressive, angry again.
I shake my head and move away from him to slip on my clothes and head downstairs. He's still so angry. I can feel it in his body language. And in the light of the day, as I turn into the lounge, I can see the carnage that Benjamin unleashed last night. It looks like a storm blew through the house. There’s a table overturned, a smashed mirror, remnants of vases and pictures scattered on the floor. Such chaos. Not unlike us at the moment, I suppose.
I pick my placement carefully to avoid cutting my feet further than I scraped my knees last night and make it to the kitchen to set the coffee up. Last night is a haze. I remember Benjamin being furious, being shocked and… hurt. I tilt my gaze around the room. It could so easily have been me on this floor, broken and left in shattered pieces for someone to sweep up. It’s a sobering thought.
Before I pour us two coffees, I sweep up what I can from the floor. The broken furniture will need to be replaced. I hope Benjamin didn’t break anything that’s been in his house since childhood. The things from his past should be protected. Cherished. I have nothing from mine. I grab out at some old shells that were on the side, carefully putting them back where they were,and then twist the ring around on my middle finger. I’ve got no photographs, no possessions other than material items such as clothes, that are really mine. I'm empty of cherished memories. Desolate without the love my brothers must have had. And now, after what I've done, I don't even know if the life I'm in is secure.
Sadness swallows me, as if the darkness I’ve been fighting to keep away from suddenly breaches my defences and rushes to the surface to pull me under. For a moment I’m consumed with the grief of my mother, of the childhood that Cane denied me, of a family they denied me.
“I’ll be back later. What’s the problem?” Benjamin’s words stir me, lifting me out of my sadness. “We can meet next week, Quinn. There’s no rush now. The Yakuza aren’t a threat. They'll back off. Your problem is taken care of.”
I listen and take all the information in, noting how Benjamin isn’t hiding any of the words or details. “She might not. She’s got nothing. Nothing, Cane. I don’t care who she is. She’s not going to rise from the fucking ashes. Not after the message I've left for them.”
I move to the kitchen and pour the coffee I came down here for, trying to stay out of his way.
“Shut the fuck up, Cane. We’ll deal with Hisa. But I’m not doing it today. I've got other shit to deal with.” The last of the words sting, but at least I mean more than they do.
He throws the phone onto the chair and comes to fetch his coffee.
“Trouble?” I ask, thinking about the mess he was in the previous night.
“No. Cane getting his panties in a twist. Needs to calm the fuck down.”
“Will you tell him?”
“About?”
“Me. Being their sister. And about. . .” My words trail off.
