Just in case it's the last.
Fourteen
My body is exhausted, but that doesn’t mean my mind can switch off. Benjamin didn’t seem to have the same trouble, as if just by being back here, a part of him can finally relax. He's slept better than he has in all the years I’ve seen him try without his pills.
A milky light creeps into the kitchen area as it rushes over the ocean. I’ve been curled up on the small sofa with a throw wrapped around me, staring at the paperwork Benjamin handed to me yesterday and twiddling my ring on my finger. It's still on the kitchen table, ten feet from where I am now. Haunting me.
It’s everything a girl like me could dream of. My version of a knight, picking me up and allowing me to live the life I’ve grown accustomed to. But he’s assumed that I don’t need anything else. He’s assumed that, other than money, my life is perfect. It’s not. He doesn’t know that hate and revenge fuel my motives, and that a war is raging in my chest—a war I don’t know how to win without losing a part of me.
The discussions with Cane, his plans, even this, it all ties Benjamin closer to Quinn and Nathan. Hurting one without betraying the other, or possibly risking Benjamin’s life, isn’t just a fine line to balance; it’s the murkiest water I've ever dared to tread, impossible to navigate.
My stomach grumbles as the sickening feelings of guilt and nerves coil around my insides and squeeze. It’s getting tighter and tighter with each passing hour, worrying me into wondering whether I’m doing the right thing. I always learned, from a young age, that you have to make the best out of life for yourself. The world won’t give you handouts—that was plain from the way my mother taught me. Everything was a struggle back then, a hardship. It made me who I am now, hardened me along with the hatred she bestowed. Is the choice I have in front of me just more evidence of how there’s never a clear path in life, that no matter what you choose, someone will end up hurt?
“What are you doing sitting on your own?”
I jump up from my spot and attempt a bright smile, startled by Benjamin, and terrified he can read my guilty thoughts. “I couldn’t sleep. This place is so peaceful. I wanted to soak some more up before we have to head home.”
“You want to leave now?” he asks as he stands naked for me to gaze at. I trace the ink with my eyes, drinking in the flow of the patterns and wondering why he's so relaxed here. It's as if he woke and needed to find me immediately, not caring for clothes or guns. At least, that’s what my romantic heart would say. A small piece of that heart crumbles in my chest, desperate to find a balance in all of this.
I nod at him. Leaving is best. Here is something I can't deal with. He's more here—different, honest, something I'm certainly not.
“Okay. Get dressed,” he mutters, turning away. “We’ll beat the rush of traffic into the city.”
It’s a long two hours back into the city, and there’s tension in the air. Like we’re both preparing for something that the other can’t see. It’s disconcerting and only adds to the knot in the pit of my stomach. The name Annalise Johnson rings in my head. It’s a get out, one that Benjamin has given me entirely for my benefit. Up until now, everything I’ve had from him has been in the guise of business—an expense account, because I need to play the part. None of it has been out of kindness or compassion. But now…
My heart expands in my chest at the thought that everything I feel for Benjamin is reciprocated. The possibility that love might have snuck in and formed a connection between us, bound us together with something other than mutual attraction, is overwhelming.
The towering skyscrapers signal our homecoming, and I pine for the rustic beach house that, according to Benjamin, is now mine. Thoughts of morning runs along the beach fill my imagination, and I feel a shift within me, a softening of something that always gave me strength.
“I’m going to call Emily, see if she’d like to go to the Guggenheim or perhaps a photography gallery.” My words sound whimsical to my ears, as if they haven’t been spoken by me at all.
“I’ll tell Quinn to bring her. We’re meeting today. You two can occupy yourselves.” His words are said as a dismissal. Gone is the man who took me to his mother’s house, hidden away from the world. The closer we get to the city, the fiercer he becomes, wrapping himself in the armor he’s hardened in the furnace of New York for years.
He drives into an underground garage and parks next to a line of cars, all of which I recognise, although I’ve never been down here. The engine cuts and he turns to me. “Keep the keys on you. The access barrier code is the same for the elevator.” He doesn’t say anything further and exits the car to head across the space to the elevator, leaving me to follow.
It’s nearly lunchtime before Quinn and Emily arrive. “Come on in,” I greet warmly.
Emily once again seems a little timid, and Quinn’s grip on her hand seems possessive and tight. He gives me a fleeting sneer as he passes, whispering something to Emily as they enter the lounge, and then takes himself off towards Benjamin’s study. Asshole mood seems to be in place. Not surprising given he is one. I stare at his back,a slight scowl dropping before I mask it, and watch his fingers play with the dice that he seems so attached to as he goes.
“It’s so nice you could make it, Emily,” I finally say,stepping into the room with her. “I thought there might be an opportunity to go out. Perhaps the Guggenheim or a photography gallery that isn’t far from it? It’s a bright day. We can walk across Central Park, get something to eat?” I lay out the idea I had this morning and hope it’s something she’ll be happy to do.
Her face lights up at the mention of the photography gallery. “That sounds perfect. Thank you, Hope. Honestly, shopping isn’t my idea of a good time.” Her cheeks flush.
“No problem. Let me get my jacket, and we can head out. You don’t mind a walk?” I glance at her shoes and see a sensible pair of flat boots under her colourful skirt and coat. Odd dress sense. She’s wrapped up as if it’s the middle of winter, but I guess New York can be a little cold at this time of year. Still, Chicago is, too, from what I’ve heard.
I walk past the office, and the door is ajar, so I slide inside. “Boys, we’ll be heading out. Quinn, I promise to take good care of Emily.” I lick my lips as he looks at me, a sexy gesture aimed to provoke, but he merely smirks back at me. This game I’ve been instigating since Benjamin first asked me to is growing both tiring and ineffective. Not to mention the obvious skin crawling side-effect. Maybe I need to tell Benjamin that it won’t work; whatever underhand plan he’s thinking of needs to change.
“What are you doing later, Hope?” Benjamin asks, not bothering to look up from his phone.
“I’m not sure. It depends how Emily and I get along today. Let me know what you need.” He looks up at that, eyes fixed on me.
“I need you both to be here. Have a girl’s fucking day or whatever the shit you do, but you get back here for five. And don’t think Torino won’t be about either.” His order is so stern, I feel like I should salute him. Of course, I don’t.
I know why he wants us somewhere safe. My breath catches as I think about what tonight might bring. What will the Yakuza do with the information I’ve provided? Will they go after Benjamin as well as Cane? Too many questions.
“Hope?” Benjamin looks up, questioning why I’m still in the room. Truth is, I don’t want him to go. Quinn and Nathan don’t need him. Not tonight. But there’s no way I could possibly explain that.
“Yes, very well.” I leave and grab my coat, frustrated with his easy dismissal and lack of courtesy. It’s all I’ve been used to, but not what I want in the future. Now I’ve seen the Benjamin from the beach house, I want that, but I have no right to expect anything. Tonight is a night I want to be well away from anything Benjamin has planned given what I’ve done.
