She held out her hands to greet her friend, who clasped her fingers tightly in return. ‘How lovely to see you,’ Emily breathed.
‘It is wonderful to see you too.’ Eloisa looked full of joy, as if all these people weren’t crushing in around her. Perhaps it was just Emily and her thoughts. ‘Marriage is clearly agreeing with you; you are glowing.’
‘I am afraid that might be perspiration.’ Emily’s palms were clammy beneath her white gloves and sweat was gathering along her hairline.
Eloisa laughed, squeezing Emily’s fingers once more before dropping them. ‘Whatever it is, you look incredibly beautiful and it is wonderful not to find you hiding behind a plant pot. You deserve much more than that.’
Emily didn’t want to point out that she wasn’t skulking behind a large floral arrangement because she hadn’t found one yet. She was married now; she did not need to worry about making conversation with men she didn’t know in order to attract them into asking for her hand in marriage, even if she didn’t want to marry them. There was certainly no need for the sick, swirling sensation in the pit of her stomach.
Eloisa stepped closer. ‘I know I should wait to ask you this, but we haven’t seen each other in an age and I am desperate to know.’ Eloisa shot a furtive glance around them both. ‘Is it true? Is it like a horse?’
Emily laughed, her first bubble of enjoyment since she had arrived. ‘No, it is truly lovely.’ She thought back to this afternoon; whatever problems she and Freddie might face, bedding one another was not one of them. ‘I will tell you what to expect, but not here.’
Eloisa pulled a face. ‘I must say, I am disappointed we cannot discuss this, but you are quite right; now is not the time. I am very glad that it is something you can enjoy. It would be such a shame if spending time with your husband was unpleasant, especially as he comes across as such a friendly man.’ Eloisa looked over Emily’s shoulder.
Emily turned so she could see what her friend was looking at. Her heart expanded when she caught sight of Freddie. As always, at events like this, he was surrounded by people. She couldn’t blame every person for wanting to speak to him; he had a unique gift of making you believe you were the centre of his attention and that was thrilling. She did not begrudge him that; now she knew he lacked confidence about his abilities, it was lovely that he was treated with respect wherever he went. But earlier, as people had surrounded them on every side, slapping him on the back and congratulating him on his wedding, she had begun to feel every bit as isolated as she had done before her marriage, if not worse, because now she was alone but in a crowd of people. As the men had laughed with Freddie, the women had cast her sideways glances, often skimming over the flatness of her stomach. She’d had to force herself not to flinch, to pretend as if she did not notice their pointed looks. There was an odd lump in her throat and she didn’t think she could get out any words past it.
‘What is married life like?’ Eloisa asked softly, almost dreamily.
‘It is… not how I imagined.’
‘Oh.’ Eloisa’s shoulders drooped.
‘That’s not a bad thing,’ she reassured her friend. ‘I always imagined I would find someone who would let me curl up with a book in my own private sitting room. I pictured myself content and peaceful. I thought happiness was for other people.’
Eloisa scrunched up her nose. ‘That sounds rather dull and unpleasant.’
‘Yes,’ said Emily, watching Freddie laugh. ‘It does rather.’ And yet, would peacefulness have been better than this? There was a strange agony in what she did have. Never, in her wildest dreams, had she thought up a husband whose heavy weight curled around her as she slept; who would roll his eyes when she got lost in a book but then would hand her another one when she reached the final pages; whowould reach out and lightly brush her fingers under the table whenever his intimidating older brother would turn his attention to her. She’d never thought she would come to care desperately for her husband, that the link between them would feel so fragile she’d carry it around as if it were a bird in a cage. It was a strange thing, the joy her marriage was giving her. Now she knew what it was like to experience it, completely and fully, she was in utter terror of losing it.
‘But it is not like that,’ Eloisa prompted, reminding Emily she had been in the middle of talking.
‘No, it is not like that at all.’ It was breathless and soft, and thrilling and wonderful and also downright terrifying in its perfection. ‘Freddie has been a rather wonderful husband.’ That did not do him justice really. He could have made anyone a marvellous husband, but he had married her.
‘Why do you sound so wistful? Surely that is a good thing?’
‘Of course it is. I am sorry.’ Itwasa good thing, averygood thing, but it was also frightening. The more she thought about it, the less equal this marriage felt. Freddie was bringing security, a business plan, and all she was bringing was herself. She’d made herself useful by reading to him, but he could employ a man of business for that. When she was with him, she felt whole, but this ball was showing her that wonderful though Freddie made her feel, she was still the nobody who wanted to hide behind floral displays. Eloisa was still looking at her, her brow furrowed. ‘I am being rather silly. It is this evening; it is setting me all on edge.’
Her frown faded to be replaced by a knowing look. ‘What has your mother done this time?’
‘Oh, nothing. Well, not nothing. Nothing this evening. I took tea with her this morning and Mrs Winstone was there too.’
‘What did that bracket-faced old woman have to say for herself?’
‘Eloisa!’ Emily gasped, looking about her, hoping that nobody else had heard her friend’s insult. Unpleasant though Arabella Winstone was, she was a woman with great standing in Society and it would not do to cross swords with her.
Eloisa did not look bothered by her outburst. ‘Oh, come now. We both know she is a troublesome gossipmonger. Whatever she said to you is bound to be a bag of moonshine.’
‘She did not say anything to me really and yet she somehow managed to imply that Freddie only married me because we had anticipated my wedding vows.’ Emily raised her eyebrows to show how ridiculous that idea was but Eloisa didn’t smile in response. ‘Oh,’ Emily said as realisation dawned on her. ‘You have already heard that rumour.’
‘I…’
Emily’s stomach swooped. ‘You do not need to spare my feelings. It is not true, by the way.’ She forced a laugh. ‘In fact, I would really rather you told me what is being said about me; it would be better to be forewarned.’
Eloisa muttered something under her breath, before sighing softly. ‘You do not have to tell me that it is a falsehood. I was with you the night before you married, remember. Besides, no one would be so vulgar as to say that you had already lain with Freddie before your marriage.’
Eloisa glanced to the left and that was all Emily needed to know. ‘But it is being implied,’ she finished for her friend.
A small, sad nod confirmed what Emily had already guessed. Bile rose to her throat and she fought the urge to be sick right here, in the middle of the ballroom. That really would add fire to the gossip that she was already pregnant.
