‘Emily,’ her mother interrupted before she could protest further, ‘I shall be incredibly displeased if you do not wear that dress this evening. It is the least you can do. I shall never forget the horror of finding you in such a disgraceful embrace. It still gives me heart palpitations.’ Her mother pressed a hand to her chest and the fight drained out of Emily. She may not be with child, but she had behaved badly when she had strayed into Glanmore House’s gardens. On that she could not argue. Be that as it may, she could not find it in herself to regret it.
‘Very well, Mother, I shall wear the dress you suggest,’ Emily capitulated and immediately wished that she hadn’t. Her mother merely nodded as if she had assumed her daughter to comply all along, which, Emily supposed, was to be expected.
Chapter Twenty-seven
Freddie and his brothers never travelled to balls together, not even in the several months after they had begun living together once more. Finding himself squashed between Christopher’s wide shoulders and a fidgeting Edward made Freddie want to throw himself from the uncomfortable seat and out onto the uneven road over which the carriage was slowly rumbling. Emily was opposite him, making the torturous journey worse by the way her silver-blue dress clung to her willowy frame. He both wanted to stride into the ballroom with her on his arm, to show the world how beautiful his wife was, and also to hide her away so nobody else realised she was this lovely and tried to take her away from him. He had to remind himself that he was a grown man now, that his aunt could not take Emily away from him for the pleasure of seeing him upset. It was unlikely any man would try to steal a Dashworth wife, at least not on their first official outing together. The family was too eminent for that.
Even if Emily never loved him, the way he loved her, she would not have an affair with another man; heknewthat. But believing that she would remain faithful, even if she found someone better suited to her than him, didn’t stop the churning in his gut. It somehow wasn’t enough that she would not leave him because of the vows she hadmade; he wanted her towantto be in their marriage even if love wasn’t involved.
There was always an insidious voice in his mind that sounded suspiciously like his aunt, reminding him that he was not worthy of having someone as precious as Emily in his life. The same voice liked to remind him that he was worthless and witless and one day Emily would understand what a bad bargain she had made, that she had always known it but had temporarily forgotten how foolish she found him in the giddiness of their marriage bed. As every day passed and Emily appeared to be content in his company and as the work on his gardens progressed, he started to believe he was deserving of this delicate happiness. Somehow that was more frightening than assuming the opposite. If someone took away what he now had, he knew he would never recover.
The carriage wheels jolted as they hit a hole in the road. Emily swayed in her seat but made no comment as Christopher muttered curses under his breath. Edward grunted and poked Freddie in the ribs for no reason Freddie could see other than to annoy him. He ignored it in favour of gazing at Emily. This evening her hair was done in a new style that perfectly showed off the delicate features of her face. There was not a strand out of place and the whole ensemble looked ripe for being made messy. Earlier this evening, when she’d walked down the stairs to meet him at the front door, his breath had been knocked out of his lungs. He’d walked towards her, meeting her at the bottom step, because to have to wait for her to cross the hallway to reach him seemed too long; he was that much of a besotted fool.
For a while, he watched Emily’s slender shoulders sway with the movement of the carriage. He thought he caught a gleam of amusement in Tobias’ eyes, but it could have been a trick of the late sunshine.
He turned his attention away from Tobias and back to his wife. The wheels clattered over uneven paving stones and she reached out long fingers to steady herself against the edge of the carriage. Edward nudged him again, his bony elbow connecting with Freddie’s ribs; he ignored it. Emily was gazing out of the window, her long neck lifted regally as if she were a queen no man could touch. She was otherworldly beautiful, but that wasn’t what he noticed in this moment. He’d become attuned to her moods in the short weeks of their marriage and now he realised something was wrong, something other than being trapped in a cramped compartment with her husband and her three overly large brothers-in-law.
A hard knot twisted in the pit of his belly, as he sifted through all the possible reasons that could have caused her unhappiness. If it wasn’t for the plethora of ears surrounding them, he would ask, but she would not thank him for pointing out her business in front of everyone.
He thought back over the day, trying to find something that could have upset her. Breakfast had been normal, well, the new normal as his brothers had continued to turn up and join them in what was quickly becoming a loud, boisterous family affair. Emily had chattered happily with Lotte and had even seemed to relax enough to address a few comments to Tobias, although to look at her now one would never think so.
Afterwards, she had visited with her mother, which was always a tense situation. She had returned home slightly subdued, but Freddie had enticed her upstairs and undressed her in front of the mirror, sweeping his hands over her body, telling her and showing her just how beautiful he found every aspect of her. Her pink cheeks and swollen lips had seemed very happy as she’d watched him ease into her, their reflection helping to drive them both out of their minds.
Later, they’d spent a quiet afternoon in the library, him working on a design for the glasshouses he wanted to build, and her reading. Every so often, she’d lifted her head from her book to comment on his sketch or to smile softly at him before leaving to get ready for the ball. There was nothing in all of that to suggest that she was unhappy with him and yet his mind refused to settle, a lead weight forming in his stomach at the thought that maybetodaywas the day she remembered he couldn’t read and he was never going to be able to and she had made a hideous mistake.
She was gazing out of the carriage window as the sun set over the town houses, but he didn’t think she was seeing what was out there. If he’d seen her weeks ago, he’d have thought she was full of haughty disdain for him and his brothers and he’d have wanted to tease her, to break through that cool barrier. But now he knew her and he knew there was nothing about her that was contemptuous, that the edges he’d seen in her before were not a brittle arrogance of her superior intellect, but a shell she wore to protect herself from those, like her mother, who put her down because she was different from the norm. She didn’t have to fear that this evening because he would be by her side.
Another sharp dig in his ribs had him turning in his seat; enough was enough. ‘Stop it,’ he bellowed, his voice filling the cramped compartment.
‘Stop what?’ replied Edward, smirking.
‘Stop hitting me in the ribs like a child. You are a grown man; you need to act like it.’
Edward’s eyes widened, his smirk disappearing. ‘Sorry, Fred,’ he murmured, pushing himself into a more upright position.
Freddie nodded. He hadn’t meant to take his increasingly anxious mood out on Edward, but now that he had said something, he felt oddly relieved. He was beginning to like Edward, and all his brothers,and was glad that they were starting to become a real family, but it was time they started treating him like an adult, at least when he was out with his wife.
The carriage descended into a heavy silence, the wait to alight from the carriage longer than ever before. As they trundled forward, Freddie could see Emily retreating into herself ever further and he was helpless to stop it.
After an age, they were finally released from the carriage, but Freddie still could not speak to Emily privately. Acquaintances of his gathered around them as they all queued, bunched together to await their announcement into the grand ballroom. The press of people was even worse than being in the line of carriages. Those who knew him relatively well showered them with congratulations, some of it sincere but most of it as an attempt to glean some gossip about the nature of their quick wedding. With every word uttered, Emily’s arm, threaded through his own, tensed, until it was like having a plank of wood resting on his forearm.
For a brief moment, they were granted a sliver of silence. ‘Are you well, my… Emily?’ He’d been about to call her, ‘his love’ and he had no idea why he had held back from that. He did love her. He was both desperate for her to know and terrified of her finding out.
‘Yes, Freddie.’ Even in the dim light of the crowded hallway, he could tell that she was paler than she had been in the carriage.
‘Are you sure?’
‘Yes, of course.’ For the first time since they had married, he sensed she was not being herself in front of him, but there was no time for him to press any further. A man he had known at Oxford, in the months before he had been kicked out, was jostling his elbow and adding his congratulations to the many they had already received. He then proceeded to tell him all about men Freddie could no longer remember. Freddie was on the brink of telling the poor man to go tothe devil when, finally, their family was announced and they could follow Tobias down the stairs into the ballroom. His relief was short-lived because as soon as they reached the bottom Emily turned to him and said, ‘I have spotted Eloisa. Please excuse me while I speak with her.’
She slipped her arm from his, the throng of people instantly swallowing her up. From nearby, some other people called out to him, but Freddie didn’t respond. He was too busy wondering why he was feeling so bereft.
Chapter Twenty-eight
Emily pushed her way through the crowds of guests filling the Beaumaris ballroom. No one seemed to be aware that she was trying to pass, or they didn’t care. The chatter suffused the high-ceilinged room, it was so loud surely every member of the Ton was in attendance at this prestigious event. Emily coughed; it was as if every single person had daubed on far too much cloying perfume and each scent was mixing together in the already excessively cramped space. The silver dress she had worn was so tight it was hard to breathe or maybe it was the overwhelming smell that was making her lungs tight. Someone gasped as she stood on the hem of their dress. She apologised profusely but kept going, not sure where she was headed, only that she wanted to get away, not even sure what she was getting away from.
She heard someone comment, ‘In the family way,’ followed by the tinkle of laughter, the noise like glass shattering. The loaded comment might not be about her and Freddie’s situation but the thought that it might wound her tighter still.
‘Emily!’ Eloisa’s wide smile, emerging from the sea of people, was a welcome sight.
