I can’t say I miss it.
The fact that his case is still open is something I desperately want to put behind me. It fuels this relentless anxiety that has consumed me lately, apparently even in my sleep now.
Every second I spend in the quiet of my head sends me spiraling, and I’m thankful for the busyness of the majority of my days outside the walls of this haunted dorm room.
Thankful for the busyness of Sienna.
For the distraction of Jack.
And in this panicked state I’m struggling to come down from, I find that right now, all I want is him.
Most of the time the only ghosts are the ones in your mind, but that doesn’t make them any less terrifying.
13
MY RESTRAINT IS CLOSE TO SNAPPING
JACK
Sienna is so very attachedto Quinn.
Understandably, because so am I.
She’s flush against Quinn’s chest, snuggled close in her wrap. Her little arms flail excitedly as Quinn gently sways back and forth in an attempt to settle her a little before we make our way down the first street.
A look of pure love and tenderness is written across her soft features as she coos something about all the candy Sienna will get tonight and how she wishes she would have thought about getting a pumpkin for her to paint.
It slaps me in the face daily that Quinn treats Sienna like she is her flesh and blood, and this is one of those moments. She has natural maternal instincts that cannot be forced, and I want to tell her how much it means to me that my daughter has her in her life, but that feels like too much too soon.
Everything about her feels like too much too soon, particularly thecertaintyI felt the moment she fell into my lap.
The certainty that roared through the rush of blood in my ears:mine.
I’ve never been one to ease into things, and my restraint is close to snapping.
The street is buzzing with kids running around, laughing and yelling like little psychopaths, their costumes flitting behind them in the fading light. Some hold their parents' hands while others tail their older siblings, all eager to skip to the inevitable upset stomachs they’ll have in a few hours.
My chest feels tight when I consider how it was once a possibility that Sienna may have never had the opportunity to experience this. How it would have been so easy for her to have missed out on what it’s like to just be a kid. Anna's decision to allow me the privilege of being her father was the best choice she could have made for her while struggling with active addiction.
It hits me often how different Anna is now. We were so close as kids—inseparable, really. I don’t know when or why things changed, but somewhere along the way, she veered down a path I couldn’t understand. The little girl I used to love, who had such an innocent spark, living this broken, miserable life. It tears me apart—it’s like watching a part of yourself fracture, and you’re powerless to stop it.
Sienna lets out a yelp and it slices through my despondent thoughts. I look up to see her grinning at me, her tiny legs wiggling manically, drool spilling from the corner of her mouth. If she could say many words, I’d have been certain that was just a, “Hey!” Her little lobster Halloween costume looks just as ridiculous and adorable as I knew it would.
My gaze flits to Quinn using the end of her sleeve to clean Sienna’s face. I couldn’t convince her to go for the full mermaid getup, which is a damn shame, but our matching Little Mermaid shirts are just as photo-worthy. Even if things don’t end up going the way I hope they do between us, I’m glad for the little family photo shoot we had before coming out. I’ve already made a picture of the three of us my phone background so I can see her as often as I want, even when she’s not around.
Not that I don’t spy on the real thing on my security cameras while I’m at work.
Unfortunately she’s not always at my place.
I briefly muse about how I could possibly sneak a camera into her dorm. The fact that I am even considering that should sound several alarm bells, but the sad truth is… I am not sure I’d even hesitate if given the opportunity. Nor would I feel bad about it afterward.
She feels me looking and her green eyes meet mine. I don’t think I’ve ever noticed a single other person’s eye color, but they're the most stunning shade of olive and I can’t help but stare. She smiles and it makes me want to kiss her stupid.
Holding back the words I want to say is impossible.
“You’re such a natural with her. The little mama we’ve been missing.” I place my hand at the base of her back as I lean across them to grab Sienna’s treat bucket from the car’s front seat and close the door. “What will we do without our little mermaid when you’ve moved on to bigger and better things?”
I don’t want to think about that and I don’t know why it’s the first thing that came to mind.Maybe because you just threw yourself off the deep end with that mama comment, you fucking moron.
