I put my right fist over my palm, and she does the same. My rock beats her scissors, so I go first. “Did you mean it when you said you didn’t want things to change between us—that you still wanted to be married to me?”
“Wow, you’re diving right in.” She looks at me for a long moment, and instead of seeing anger or frustration swirling in her eyes, I find love. It’s been a long time. It makes my breath catch in my throat. Her eyes pool as she says, “Yes, I still want to be married to you, Wolfe. I never wanted to get divorced in the first place. But I felt so lonely for so long, and remember, you were the one who brought up divorce first. Why did you start talking about it to begin with?”
“Because I could feel you pulling away from me every time I talked to you. You weren’t picking up your phone or returning my calls, and letters had all but ceased. When we did talk on the phone or over Zoom, you ended calls quickly. I could feel you slipping through my fingers, and I didn’t know what to do. There was so much arguing when I got a hold of you, and you seemed so unhappy. I thought mentioning divorce would be a wakeup call for both of us—not the end. But you jumped at the suggestion, and I went along with it because I’ve never wanted you to be unhappy. I convinced myself you were better off without me.”
She swallows hard. “For the record, I could never be better off without you, and I didn’t jump at the suggestion. But I did try to save face. Preserve my pride. I can see that now, and I admit it was stupid of me. I should’ve tried harder to salvage things between us, but I didn’t know what to do, either.” Her eyes are filled with tears, and I move closer to her, ready to end the game. Instead, she steels her face, saying, “It’s your turn.”
“It was just pride and saving face that kept you fromtelling me this? If you’d said even half those words to me, you realize it would’ve changed everything, right?”
“I was too hurt to see it then. You broke my heart. I was holding on by a thread without you around. Trying to raise our two children by myself. Fighting over the phone all the time did nothing for our relationship. Honestly, it was easier not taking your calls after a while. Even though I refused to admit what a risky game I was playing. I figured if we could just get through your contract and get you back home, things would be better. Once we could talk face to face.”
She looks down, taking a deep breath. I fight the urge to pull her into my arms and comfort her. I need to hear what she has to say, no matter what it entails for our future. “Then, you blindsided me with that word—divorce—and I couldn’t stand it. I warned you never to say that word to me, but you did anyway. And I couldn’t take it, Wolfe. I wasn’t about to beg or try to fix something you thought was irreparable. Instead, I panicked.”
The room is silent for a long moment as she stares at her hands. Finally, she says, “On top of it, I saw those pictures of Rutger and you with the Polish blondes, and I was so done. It made me feel like all of the sacrifices I’d made for our family, including my career, meant nothing to you. It also made me feel like you weren’t willing to make those same sacrifices for me.”
White hot rage hits me in a wave. The fucking Polish twins again? How could she ever think I would do something like that to her? It’s like she doesn’t even know me—a hard pill to swallow since she’s my wife. I’ve got to keep my cool because I’m seeing red. Through gritted teeth, I say, “I never cheated on you. Not once. I wasn’t even tempted. I didn’t even kiss another woman.”
“Why didn’t you say that to me at the time? I mean, Rutger did a better job of defending you in my officetoday than you’ve ever done for yourself. When I asked about it, you shut down, absolutely furious. You wouldn’t even talk. What was I to think?”
Izzie’s right. Another searing flash of anger hits me, and I look down, ready to shut down all over again. I admit it’s one of my most self-destructive habits. One that goes way back to my shitty childhood. But I can’t keep falling back into old patterns as Izzie has pointed out multiple times this past week.
Taking a deep breath, I put it all on the line. “You broke my fucking heart, Izzie. I mean, you of all people are supposed to know me better than anybody. You stood at the altar with me and vowed to spend the rest of your life with me …only me.And I did the same with you …before God. How the hell could you ever think I would cheat on you? I thought you knew me better than that.”
She looks shocked, and her eyes fill with tears. “I’m sorry, Wolfe. And you’re right. Under any other circumstances, I would’ve never doubted you. But I was lonely, sleep deprived, dealing with two small children—for all intents and purposes, a single mom. I’d given up my career, and my life felt miserable with you overseas all the time. I needed you so badly, and you were gone more than you were home. Sometimes, I wondered if you wanted to be home with me at all. And there were already so many secrets between us because of your job. You lived a double life, doing things and going places I’ll never know about. Honestly, I still don’t know what you’re fully capable of when it comes to your job?—”
That’s something she never needs to know. But it sure as hell would never involve another woman.
“Seeing those pictures… It was the straw that broke the camel’s back. You know how jealous I get. I lose my mind and can’t think straight, and that’s exactly what I did. I didn’t want to see you. I didn’t want to talk to you. I didn’t want shit to do with you because to me, you shutting down was as good as a confession. I know the distance didn’t help things. Because if I could’ve just looked you in the face, had the conversation in person, things would’ve been different. The question is, can you forgive me for doubting you?”
I look down at my hands for a long moment. I have to admit, this is still the toughest part for me to think about. I’m a man of my word. Period. I need my woman to know that and trust me implicitly. I need to be able to give her that same trust. Looking up, I point at the bullet scar, “Like I’ve told you before. This means I’ve got your six. Forever, Hops. Ride or die. I would never let OPP fuck that up.”
Tears spill down her cheeks now, and I long to comfort her. But that’s a tough subject for me. Really tough, and I need a moment to pull myself back together. After a long silence, she observes, “I didn’t ask my question.” She was always much better at keeping track of this game than me. Searching my face, she asks, “Would you have made the same sacrifices for me? Given up your career and settled down if I had asked?”
I don’t even hesitate. “Yes, and I have made them for you now and will continue to do so. That’s what I found so frustrating after I got back home. I changed my life completely, and it’s like you didn’t even notice. And as for talking face to face, you wouldn’t give me the time of day. For the past three months, you’ve refused to speak to me without a lawyer, mediator, judge, therapist, or the kids present. It’s like you wouldn’t even let me try to fix things.”
Her eyes narrow, and I know what’s on her mind.
I continue, “I know you’re not thrilled about my mention of side jobs. But if that’s really all that’s standing between us being happy together, I’ll stop. I’m serious. Yes, it’ll be hard to pass up good money, but you and our kids mean more to me than anything else in this world.”
“Wolfe, I don’t want to change who you are. But I’m tiredof sharing you with the entire world. I need you here with me, helping me raise our children. If you can promise to never be gone for more than a week or two at a time, I can accept that.”
“That’s an easy promise to make. I’m tired of missing out on you and the kids because now I realize I can never get that time back. I already have a hard rule. A side job can never keep me out more than three to five days. So, done. What else?”
Tears fill her eyes. In a voice so quiet I have to lean in to hear her, she questions, “Can you ever forgive me serving you divorce papers overseas?”
“I already have,” I say quietly, and now her cheeks are shiny with emotion. I finally allow myself to close the distance between us, palming her cheeks and wiping away the tears. She takes one of my hands, kissing my fingertips softly and reminds, “It’s your turn.”
“Will you promise me you’ll never give up on us again? I’m being serious when I say those divorce papers nearly killed me. Rutger can tell you. I was a fucking shell of myself thinking you wanted to end the only forever I’ve ever believed in.”
The words hit Izzie hard. She crawls into my lap, wrapping her arms around my neck, and saying, “You’ve never said that before.”
“What?”
“That our marriage is the only forever you believe in.”
I smile, kissing her forehead and staring deeply into her beautiful periwinkle eyes. “It is, and I should have told you that every single day. But I won’t make that mistake twice. Fuck, I’m going to get it tattooed right here,” I say, pointing to the spot over my heart and just below the bullet mark. Her hand covers where I pointed, and she traces the scar with her forefinger. I feel warm waves of love radiating through me as I lean down, capturing her lips.
After a few minutes of breathy making out, I say, “I haveplenty to apologize for, too. I’m sorry for using the word divorce. I never should have said it, and I swear I never will again. No matter what. I never realized how hard it was to be a single parent until the last three months. And I can’t tell you how much regret I feel over the time I lost with you and our babies. I don’t know how you honestly did it all without me around. Although I know your career suffered greatly for it. I’m so sorry. Can you ever forgive me for that?”
