The sun was settingbehind Elena’s cottage, painting the June sky in bruised purples and angry oranges that matched my mood perfectly. I sat on her front porch steps, empty beerbottles lined up like little soldiers beside me while a fresh one sweated in my palm. Everything had that soft-focus feeling, the coke from my center console mixing with the alcohol to create that familiar dangerous euphoria—edges blurred, Jasper’s words a little less sharp.
Just hours ago, Elena had told me she loved me. I’d been flying high on that confession alone, feeling like maybe I was finally becoming the man she deserved. Then Jasper had to remind everyone exactly who I was—the family fuckup. The one who’d never be good enough. Not for the family business, not for their respect, and definitely not for Elena.
Everything tilted just enough to feel good, my skin alive with that too-perfect hum that always came before the fall. Her footsteps echoed like thunder across the wooden planks as she approached, each step sending vibrations through my bones.
“Chase, look at me.”
I did as she asked. Always would. Through my hazy vision, I could see something hard settling over her beautiful face as she stood a careful distance away. The way she looked at me—clinical, assessing—told me she saw right through me. Maybe Jasper was right. Maybe I’d just been fooling myself thinking I deserved her love.
“You’re high.”
I slammed my eyes shut, not ready to see that look in her eyes. Not from her. Not after this morning, when she’d looked at me with such trust, such hope. My heart raced, and I couldn’t tell if it was the coke or the shame.
“I’m an emergency medicine physician, Chase.” Her voice was steady, professional—the same tone she probably used with countless addicts in her ER. “I’ve seen what happens topeople who depend on drugs and alcohol. And I’ve seen what happens to the people who care for them.”
“I’d never hurt you,” I insisted, the words coming out fast and slurred despite my best efforts. “Not you. You’re everything, Elena. This morning, when you said?—”
“Don’t.” She cut me off sharply. “Don’t use what I said this morning to justify this.”
The memory of her whisperedI love youtwisted in my gut like a knife. Six hours. I’d managed to hold on to that perfect moment for six whole hours before proving Jasper right.
“Please.” I struggled to my feet, the world tilting dangerously. “I just... When Jasper started in on me at the cidery, saying how my best would never be good enough, I?—”
“I think you should go.”
“No.” The word came out broken. “Elena, please. I love you. I’ll stop. I swear to god, I’ll stop right now.”
“I love you, too, Chase.” Her voice wavered. “That’s why I can’t watch you destroy yourself.”
The gentleness in her words hurt worse than anger would have. I moved toward her, desperate to close the distance between us, but she took another step back. That small retreat felt like a chasm opening up.
“Let me explain.” My words came too fast, thoughts scattered and racing. “Jasper, he just... He knows exactly how to get under my skin. Talking about how my best isn’t worth shit, how I’m just pretending to be better.”
I dragged shaking hands through my hair, the rest spilling before I could stop it—more than I’d ever admitted to anyone. Elena listened intently as I rambled on and on, bits and pieces tumbling out in no particular order: how lost I felt, howaimless, how I’d been the family fuckup from the start, from pruning the trees wrong to hanging a straight-C report card beside Elliot’s straight A’s on the fridge.
I knew my family loved me. But they weren’tproudof me.
There wasn’t much to ever be proud of.
“Maybe Jas was right. Maybe I am just pretending. But this morning, with you... that was real, Elena. That was real.”
She wrapped her arms around herself, and I recognized the gesture—the way she protected herself when things got hard. Only this time, it felt like she was shielding herself fromme, from the messy truth I’d just dumped in her lap.
“Being with you makes me want to be better,” I pleaded. “You make me feel like maybe I could be.”
“Chase...” Her voice cracked. “I can’t be the reason you get better. That has to come from you.”
The truth in her words hit harder than any of Jasper’s insults. I stared down at the beer bottle still clutched in my trembling hand, seeing myself through her eyes—just another addict making promises he couldn’t keep. The same promises I’d probably made and broken a hundred times before.
“Let’s just go to bed.” Her voice was soft, defeated in a way that made my chest ache worse than any shouting match could have.
I swayed on my feet, the mixture of coke and alcohol making everything too sharp and too blurry at the same time. Elena didn’t offer her hand to steady me. That small withholding felt like another wound.
She led the way inside, not looking back to see if I followed. I always would. Even now, barely able to walk straight, I’d follow her anywhere. The house was dark except for the porchlight spilling through the windows, casting long shadows across the hardwood floors. Each of my stumbling steps seemed to echo in the silence between us.
In her bedroom, she didn’t turn on the lights. Maybe she didn’t want to see me like this. Maybe I didn’t want her to. The mattress dipped as she lay down, still fully clothed, turning her back to my side of the bed.
I crawled in behind her, desperate to close the distance between us but knowing I didn’t deserve to. My hand hovered over her hip, trembling. When had I become so afraid to touch her? This morning we’d been tangled in these same sheets, whisperingI love youbetween kisses. Now the space between us felt vast and uncrossable.
