I spill it all, and he listens.
He doesn’t judge.He doesn’t analyze, even though that’s his job.
He just listens.And somehow, that alone makes the storm in my head a little less intense.As I speak, I feel a weight lifting from my shoulders, one word at a time.By the time our conversation nears its end, I feel drained yet strangely energized, as if I’ve been given a new lease on life.
When I’ve exhausted myself of all the things I wanted to say, Dr.Engel finally speaks.
“Yes, what Ralph did is reprehensible,” he begins, “but remember that you are not him.He is filled with hatred and malice, while you’re filled with love and justice.Love for your wife and justice for her death.”
“How do I move forward?”I ask.
“Grief,” he says, “is like a river.It can pull you under, or it can carry you to new places.But you have to let it move you.Not drag you down.”
“And Angie?”
“Let go of the guilt about loving Angie,” he says.“You may indeed love her more than you loved Lindsay, and that’s okay.Lindsay wouldn’t want you to be alone, mourning her and Julia forever.You will always love them, and they will always be in your heart.”
“But Lindsay was never supposed to die.I don’t believe she killed herself.”
“And you know that if she hadn’t, you’d still be together.”
“Yes.Exactly.”
“Dr.Lansing,” he says, his voice grave, “you’re an intelligent man.What does all this tell you?”
A beat of silence.I swallow, feeling the weight of his tone and the question he’s laid out before me.His words ring in my ears, stirring up thoughts and feelings I’ve been attempting to bury deep down.
“That I can’t change the past,” I finally say, my voice sounding foreign to my own ears.“That Lindsay’s death wasn’t my fault.”
“Exactly,” he says.“You’re not responsible for Lindsay’s choices, just as you’re not responsible for Ralph’s actions.You can control only your own actions, your own reactions.”
He’s right.Ralph is a monster of his own making, but I am no puppet in his hands.The guilt and anger that have been festering inside me are mine to deal with, not Ralph’s.
And they’re mine to let go.
“You’ve survived something unspeakable,” Dr.Engel says.“And somehow, you found love again, which tells me you’re stronger than you think.But strength isn’t just endurance.Sometimes, it’s having the courage to feel everything you’ve been running from—grief, rage, guilt—and still choosing to move forward, not with your fists, but with your heart open.”
“And what about Ralph?”I ask.“What if I can’t prove that I’m not the one who assaulted him?What if I can never prove that he killed Lindsay?”
“I believe you will triumph over your own charges.In fact, I believe so strongly in your innocence that, if it comes to trial, I will testify as a character witness on your behalf.”
“Thank you,” I say.“That will help.”
“Also, your attorney may be able to plead the case out so you don’t have to do any prison time.”
“But I’m not guilty!”
“I know that, but you must consider all your options, Dr.Lansing.”
He’s right, of course.
And I say so.“I understand.I have the best attorney, and I’ll be smart about this.”
“I know you will be.”
“What if I can’t prove that Ralph killed Lindsay?”
“Whatever happens with Ralph, remember one thing.You always have control over your own actions and reactions.If you can’t prove his guilt legally, then prove it through your own resilience and recovery.Live well, Dr.Lansing.That’s the best kind of revenge.”
