“I don’t have time for grief,” I mutter.“I need to focus.”
“Suppressing it won’t make you stronger.It won’t bring your wife back, and it won’t clear your name.”
My jaw tightens.“I didn’t call you to be analyzed.”
“Then why did you call?”he presses.
I hesitate.The words sit heavy on my tongue, but they slip out before I can stop them.“Because my life took a hard turn.Because I wake up feeling like I can’t breathe.”
“All right.You want justice.You want the truth,” he says.“But your mind is a battlefield right now, and if you don’t take care of yourself, you won’t be strong enough to fight.”
I let out a dry laugh.“So what, you want me to talk about my feelings?Journal?Meditate?”
He doesn’t react to my sarcasm.“No.I want you to understand how trauma works.How the mind warps under stress and grief.I want you to see that what you’re feeling is valid, but it doesn’t have to control you.”
“I don’t buy into all this therapy talk.”
“You don’t have to,” he says simply.“You just have to admit that what you’vebeendoing isn’t working.”
I open my mouth to argue, but nothing comes out.I hate that he’s right.I hate that for all my anger, all my need for justice, I still feel like I’m drowning.
“I’m not here to tell you to let go of what happened.I’m here to help you carry it without it breaking you.”
I swallow hard, my throat tight.“If I let go of the anger, what’s left?”
“The truth,” he says.“And when you find it, I want you to be strong enough to face it.”
I exhale slowly, rubbing a hand over my face.For so long, I’ve convinced myself that psychiatry is nothing but empty words and useless theories.But sitting here, listening to him, I realize something.
I began this path with him so I could get the surgery I want.
I called him today to get clarity about the man who’s trying to ruin my life.
Instead, I’m starting to find answers about myself.
“All right, Doc,” I say.“Let’s talk.”
For the next hour, I talk to Dr.Engel.
I don’t question his methods.I just talk.
About the surgery.
About the accident.
Julia.
Lindsay.
The guilt.God, the guilt.
About the charges against me.
And about my suspicions about what Ralph did to Lindsay.
About Angie.My love for her that is more than I ever felt for my wife.
God…more guilt.
