‘You don’t have to be sorry,’ I say, feeling my pain turn to anger. ‘It’s just the last thing I expected. God, David!’
‘It’s a surprise for me too!’ he says, but his words are like mumbo jumbo as I try to control my reaction. ‘It’s a really big surprise for both Lesley and me. My God, I don’t know what to think, Kate. I don’t know what to do!’
This is more than a big surprise. It’s a shock to my system. It could easily bring me to my knees, but I’m doing my best to sound as if I’m delighted for him. I am not delighted. I am heartbroken even though I know I have no right to be so.
‘Just goes to show,’ he says in a hurried whisper. ‘As I was busy trying to make life-changing decisions, the universe decided to make them for me. God, I’m all over the place, Kate. We’ve just had the big discussion about calling things off and now this. I had absolutely no intention of this happening at all.’
I know exactly what he means. Since our last meeting in February, David has been in deep discussions about his future with Lesley, while I tiptoed around the subject trying not to lean him in any direction or influence his decision in any way, but now, all that pondering is over. Even after the ‘big discussion’ took place, it means nothing now. It sounds as though he is going to go ahead and marry Lesley after all.
‘How do you feel?’ I ask him. ‘Is this what you want,David? Ignore me. I don’t even know what I’m saying. It’s not even my business, is it?’
I can hear David pacing the corridor of the hospital where he is calling me from, and I can also sense the nerves in his voice when he speaks.
‘I just felt like I had to tell you first,’ he says, his voice shaking so badly. ‘Are you working? I’m sorry if I’ve rung you mid-shift but I needed to hear your voice. This is such a mess.’
‘David, try and breathe, for goodness’ sake. It’s all going to be OK,’ I tell him as my insides burn just a little more. I’m just about keeping it under control. ‘Having a baby is the most wonderful blessing in the whole world and there’s no one I can imagine who would be as good a daddy as you will be. This is obviously meant to be. Just look at it that way. It’s all we can do. This is how it’s meant to be.’
I know my voice is flat, but I’m doing my best to act grown-up through this and accept that this is way out of my control.
Lesley is having a baby. She has been feeling sick for a few weeks and was having pains in her side for the past few days (which I’ve almost lived through myself, David has called me so many times for advice). When they finally went to the doctor’s this morning they suggested an ectopic pregnancy at first but when they scanned her after admitting her to hospital, they have discovered that it is not in fact an ectopic, but a fully formed, ten-week-old foetus whois perfectly placed in her perfect womb and will be due to pop out some time in early autumn.
Oh God.
‘It’s just – well, with the wedding next month and all my nagging doubts, it’s the last thing I was expecting,’ he tells me. ‘My head is mangled, Kate. I don’t know what to think.’
I want to scream. I want to tell him exactly how this news is making my stomach curdle. I want to tell him never to contact me again, but I also want to kick myself because of course I should have known something like this could happen. They’re engaged to be married for goodness’ sake and I knew that from the start.
‘Kate, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,’ he says. ‘You know this wasn’t planned at all. I don’t know what to do!’
‘You’ll stay with your fiancée, that’s what you’ll do, David,’ I say feeling sorry for myself and trying to steady my shaking voice. ‘In fact just do whatever you want to do. Forget about me and do what’s best for you and Lesley and your new—’ I can’t finish my sentence.
‘You don’t mean that,’ he whispers. ‘I can’t just forget about you.’
I shake my head as tears stream down my face.
‘Well what do you want me to say?’ I ask him. ‘Congratulations? Is that what you want? OK, congratulations, David. There you go. Congratulations!’
‘That’s not what I want and you know it!’ he says firmly.‘Jesus, Kate, I’ve just told Lesley I didn’t want to get married and now this. What a mess! I’m sorry.’
I take a deep breath and do my best to compose myself.
‘And I’m sorry too,’ I whisper.
In fact I’ve a feeling I’m going to be even sorrier when I realize how foolish I’ve been.
Since our meeting here in Dublin two months ago, David and I have become closer and closer and there’s not a day that goes by when we don’t speak to each other for at least half an hour at a time. We recalled our wonderful evening together in detail, we talked about how meeting each other again has changed us both and how much we each feel we continue to grow by having each other in our lives. We talked of how we kissed for seconds before we said goodbye – a heart-stopping moment we’ve eventually brushed under the carpet, afraid to ever mention it again until David knew what he wanted to do regarding his marriage to Lesley.
I lingered over that moment for nights on end, imagining in my mind what it would have felt like had we kissed for a little longer. I could taste his lips on mine, I could feel his warmth and passion in my dreams, and then I’d force myself to snap out of it and to realize that, although it almost did happen, I did the right thing by pulling away.
But I continue to let it play out in my mind when I want to, and I have to admit I enjoy where it takes me.
My near-miss with David led me to tell my mother about our growing friendship on my last visit home and, while shethought it to be a truly beautiful thing that we’d found each other after all this time, she did do a double take when I told her exactly who the ice-cream shop boy was in real life.
‘He’s a very handsome man I’m sure,’ my mum said as she recalled seeing David years ago when he was just a teenager. ‘He looked very like his mother back then, not like the grumpy old reverend who always looks like he is chewing a wasp.’
But my sister wasn’t letting me off the hook so easily.
‘Friendship?’ asked Mo as she dried the dishes by the sink. ‘Is that what they call it these days?’
