‘Thank you,’ she says with a smile, and I kiss her gently on the cheek, lingering for long enough to close my eyes and wish for all the happiness in the world to come her way. ‘Text me when you get home, just so I know you’re back safe.’
We embrace into a tight, lengthy hug and I can feel her soft hair on my face. I can smell her perfume and I know that she doesn’t want to let go just like I don’t. I take her hand just before I leave her, in a tiny gesture that will always be our own. Her hand in mine, mine in hers, in a way that no one else will ever understand.
We look into each other’s eyes, our breathing still in the same pattern, and I feel an urge to kiss her properly even more than before. It’s like a rush that washes right throughme, like a force, and it scares me so much. I can’t do this. I promised myself I wouldn’t lose control.
But I can’t help it. I pull her close, I lean in and our lips touch and for just a few seconds it feels so explosive. Hers are warm on mine, my tongue moves to meet hers and I don’t want to stop but she suddenly pulls away.
‘God no! Don’t do this, David!’ she says as tears fill her eyes and her hand goes to her mouth.
‘I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to—’
‘I want you to kiss me, I really do!’ she says. ‘I want you to kiss me so badly but I don’t want to ruin anything for you. You’re getting married soon. You need to think this through.’
We drop hands, our eyes wide at what we so nearly did.
‘What if I don’t?’ I find myself saying. I’m breathless now.
‘What?’
‘What if I don’t get married?’ I ask her. ‘I don’t know … I …’
We stare at each other for a moment and I gently wipe a tear from her eye with my thumb. Saying it out loud is as stunning to me as it is a relief, and that takes me by surprise. I have that option still. I could call the wedding off, couldn’t I? I could sort this whole mess out once and for all and just be honest with everyone, most importantly with Lesley.
I could call it all off.
‘Don’t say that,’ Kate pleads with me, her flooded eyeslooking up in my direction. ‘Don’t say that if you don’t mean it, David. You aren’t thinking straight.’
I take a deep breath. I close my eyes. She is shaking. We both are.
‘I don’t even know what I mean, I’m sorry. I’ve so much going on in my head. Look, I need to think things over and make some long overdue decisions,’ I tell her, stumbling over my words as a million thoughts fly through me. ‘Sorry … I need to – I’m sorry.’
I stand in the rain, watching as she takes down her giant umbrella and climbs into the back of the waiting car, her eyes on me the whole time.
‘Bye David,’ she says with a light wave of her hand and the pain of heartache on her face. I’m smiling as I wave her off but inside I’m crumbling. ‘Look after yourself. Goodbye.’
And with that we part company, just like we did on that August day ten years ago when the world was falling down around us.
I get into the back seat of my taxi, and as I travel towards the train station through the February wind and rain away from Kate Foley, her life here in Dublin, and the wonderful evening we shared together, I already feel as if I’ve left a part of me behind with her.
Can I go ahead and marry Lesley after this? I honestly don’t think I can.
APRIL 2009
11.
KATE
It’s Easter week, one of my favourite times of the year. The feeling of spring is in the air with a great sense of new beginnings, but just as I’m leaving to do some last-minute shopping before I head home to spend the weekend with my family, David’s call has stopped me in my tracks.
I feel sick.
I sit down. I stand up again. I don’t know what to do as reality hits me like a blow to my stomach. The night we kissed in Dublin plays out in my mind and I can barely remember how to breathe when I think of how I left there thinking everything between us had changed. And everything had changed, but now … now it’s all finished.
Now, it’s all changed again.
‘Should I say congratulations?’ I manage to say to him, gripping the phone to my ear, but even that word itself makes me fear I might actually be physically sick. I go to my bedroom and curl my knees up in agony at what I’m hearing.
‘No, that doesn’t sound right coming from you,’ he tells me. ‘I’m sorry.’
