“What I learned about that long, dark road in grieving for my friend was, there is no end to it, is there?” His question was asked quietly, and all I could do was shake my head. “A part of your heart will always be on that road searching for a way to heal the raw wounds left by the loss of someone you love.”
“All while the rest of you goes on with this thing called life, pretending that every day without him is worth living.”
“I’m so sorry, Tobi,” he whispered, his strong palm cupping my cheek tenderly. “You have walked that long, dark road so many times in your short life. You are the tiniest woman I know yet the strongest person I’ve ever met. Alfred explained that you would need someone you could count on when you needed to shed some of that pain. I chose to be that person. In hindsight, I can see it was a way to ease my guilt about not being there for Cody when he needed me. I blamed myself, so there was no reason I couldn’t take your blame too.”
“Joe, I know it wasn’t your fault. Logically, I know Cody died of an accident, but I needed someone to blame, and there was no one left but you. That wasn’t fair, and I see that now. I haven’t dealt with losing Cody. Not the way I should have. I simply didn’t know how after losing my mom, too. I was on overload every hour of the day, and when my lid popped with steam, I directed it at you so someone else could feel the pain instead of me. I should have taken into account that you were also grieving for your friend.”
His hand tightened on my cheek as he gazed down at me, his blue eyes darker than I’d ever seen them before. “I loved Cody like a brother. We were inseparable most of our lives. By the time he was eighteen, I was twenty-three, and my adult life didn’t always intersect with his anymore. I still wish like hell I’d gone with him that day instead of helping the sheriff. Could I have saved him? No, maybe not, but he wouldn’t have died alone at the very least. That haunts me. A lot of things haunt me.”
“Daddy Nash?” I asked, unsure where his intensity was coming from tonight. He was always intense, but tonight felt different. Dark and brooding were the words I’d use to describe his mood as he brought his other hand up to cup my face.
“You, Tobi. The things I said and did to you when we were kids is something I will regret forever.”
“You were a kid, Joe.”
“I was, but I also knew it was wrong. I saw the look on your face every time I acted like an idiot and pretended to be afraid of you. I noticed how you started keeping your hands in your pockets all the time as though you were ashamed of them. I did that,” he whispered with a shake of his head. “You’re the reason I went into law enforcement, Tobi.”
He held so tightly to my face that I couldn’t turn my head in confusion. “Because you teased me as a kid?”
“Yes. Well, more like because of what that taught me. When you and Cody were still in fifth grade, I was in high school. There was this one jerk who loved to talk about you behind your back. It was cruel and unnecessary to say those things about an eleven-year-old. I thought back to when I had done the same thing to you. I explained to him that he didn’t need to worry about you, considering he’d graduate long before you got to high school, and he should stop being rude and disrespectful to a child.”
“What did he say?”
“To mind my own business. See, I considered you my business, so I explained it to him again with my fist. Broke his nose and knocked out a few teeth.”
“Joe!” I exclaimed with surprise. “That’s not you!”
“I guess that’s me when I’m defending someone I care about, at least it was then. Maturity has taught me better ways. The point I’m trying to make is, that day when I was sitting in the principal’s office accepting my punishment for doing the right thing, I realized that was what I wanted to do with my life.”
“Punch people in the nose?”
He chuckled, and I was glad to see the smile that lifted his lips ever so much. “I would love to punch a lot of people in the nose if it weren’t illegal, but no. I realized I wanted to protect people. A lot of guys become cops for power over others. I became a cop not so much to serve but to protect. The mistakes I made early on were a lesson to me on being a better person, man, and cop. I didn’t want to go out and walk a beat in a big city where one face blended into the next, and I never made a difference in anyone’s life. I wanted to work in a small town where every action I took positively affected the people's lives, whether it was getting someone dangerous off the street or saving a little girl lost on a ridge. Mostly, I wanted to make up for the damage I’d done to another little girl with my callous disregard for something that wasn’t her fault. That’s what I strive for every day when I put the badge on and sit at my desk. Doing the right thing for the right reason.”
I held his dark and stormy gaze, searching for any sign that his words weren’t true. I found none. He had laid bare his soul and reasons for going into a career that is often vilified rather than appreciated.
“You don’t think my hands are disgusting?”
He shook his head back and forth as his hands slid down my shoulders and arms to my hands. He grasped them, holding them up between us. “No, Tobi. They’re yours, and they’re unique, just like you. I’m so proud of the life you’ve made for yourself with these hands. They’re the smallest part of you, yet they’re the biggest, and that humbles me every time I see you.”
He thought I was unique? He wasn’t afraid to touch the hands he used to pretend made him scream with terror? Okay, so I always knew he was kidding, but everyone says there’s a little bit of truth in every joke.
I swallowed over the lump in my throat and pushed the warning thoughts away. I wanted to believe what Joe said with everything inside of me. That little girl was crying out for absolution from the negativity and pain she’d lived with all those years.
His hand slipped up my face again, and he rubbed his thumb against my temple. “Where did you just go?” He pulled the hand he was still holding closer to his chest and held it there, his thumb tenderly rubbing the back of my hand.
“I remembered the little girl who needed to hear your apology, even though she was all grown up now. I wish we could go back and do so many things differently, Jo-Jo.”
“You don’t know how much I wish that we could. I wish we got a do-over, but we don’t, so all we can do is take what we’ve learned and move forward.”
“When we move forward, can we do it in a way that’s kinder to both of us? I’m tired of carrying the heaviness of the past with every step, Jo-Jo. I’ll never get over Cody’s death, but I can no longer demand that you carry any responsibility for it.”
“You’re tired, and you need somewhere to rest.”
“I need to set the weight of my past down and enjoy the present. I live in one of the most beautiful places in the country, but the bitterness I carry for the land prevents me from enjoying it. I know I’m going to walk that long, dark road again soon when Daddy Nash leaves us.”
His lips thinned, and he nodded, but he never stopped caressing my face with his thumb. “I know how close you are to him. He always tells me you’re the brightest star in his world, and I honestly believe you are. You’ve been good to him, and we both appreciate it, even if you’ve tried to put him in an early grave with chocolate and cigars.”
“I honestly didn’t think it could do much harm in his condition. I just wanted him to enjoy the time he had left and to have a little spot of light to look forward to.”
