The bubbly water is divine on my sore muscles as I step into the bath. The ache of last night is still alive in my hamstrings, inner thighs, and even inside me in a pleasant way that I feel when I twist. But the ache from the fight is more present. My forearm stings where the fresh cut is red and angry, and the growing pain in my ribs makes it hard to really relax.
I resign myself to quickly wash my hair and scrub the day from my skin. I lean my head back, lifting my hair over the lip of the tub and resting my neck.
Now that I’m safe—or at least as safe as I have ever been—it all hits me.
The adrenaline is like being struck by lightning. One moment, I am functional, and the next, my body is trembling like I’m electrified by delayed fear.
I try to suck in great gulps of air, but it’s like my lungs can only hold a mouthful. The air wheezes in and out quickly. My heart is so thunderous, pumping so loudly, it’s all I can hear. Tears burn in my eyes and I’m afraid I will drown here, not in this tub but in whatever this torrent is.
It feels like dying—or at least what I imagine dying feels like.
Though it always passes, I wish so badly I could feel nothing at all. That I could be the woman I am in the tense moments when I can thinkclearly and strategize. I don’t want to be someone who breaks, and I definitely don’t want to think about that moment of blind rage.
The anxiety builds to an all-consuming peak, and at the center of the storm, I try to call up Aidia’s soothing voice—how she would tell me to look for something in the room to ground me.
“My heart,” I rasp between desperate gasps of breath.
But there is no one to say, “My bones.”
And it feels wrong to say “Our blood” when I’m alone. I’m so miserable that I let myself miss her—feel frightened for her—desperately wishing she were here.
I sink under the water and allow myself one good sobbing scream even though it sends a fierce shock of pain through my ribs.
When I come up for air, my chest is burning and my vision is spotty, but it’s like the scream let something loose, and the tension begins to unwind.
I’m homesick. This feeling is nothing new—the instinct to go home, but not tomyhome. Maybe it’s just the fleeting human impulse to seek shelter, to endlessly search for comfort even if you’ve never really known what it was to begin with.
I’ve been hit enough to know that pain is not a home, but it felt like all I deserved. Over time, I started to believe it.
Some old base instinct clings to the possibility of something better—the myth of it alive inside me, the way a story sinks into bones and becomes as real as the ache in your ribs when you watch two lovers kiss.
My breathing slows and the very real ache in my ribs returns. I splash water on my face and sigh, batting a mound of bubbles onto the carpet.
The bathroom door flies open, and Henry storms in so fast I don’t even have time to reach for the dagger I left on the shelf next to the tub.
“Get out,” I snap.
His dark hair is damp, and he’s changed into linen pajamas. There’s something about the contrast of seeing him with a feral look in his eyes while wearing matching navy pajama separates that makes me want to laugh.
He sniffs the air and narrows his eyes at the bubbles like an assailant might be hiding beneath them in the giant tub. “I wanted to make sure you were actually in here.”
I stand. The bubbles slide down my body and my skin tingles as his gaze follows their path. “Leave.”
He arches a brow. “Is that what you want? After playing games with me? After touching yourself where I couldn’t get to you and making me watch? After going upstairs in a boarding room with another man? After trying to kissStefan?”
A slow smile tugs at my mouth. I didn’t think any part of this assignment would be fun, but driving this man out of his mind is so easy.
“First of all, there’s nothing wrong with a woman practicing a little self-care alone in her safe room.”
He huffs a laugh. “Self-care.”
“Second, I went upstairs with that idiot to getinformationabout a dangerous situation within the fort. I’m miles from home and surrounded by strangers, and I think I deserve to know about the very real threats to my safety.”
His hand flexes at his side. “Youare the greatest threat to your safety.”
“Thank you for the vote of confidence. I’m inclined to agree with you now that the deadly evolved vampire is gone.”
Henry glares at me.
